I don’t know why I am like this (useless rant i guess)
I have been shackled as always by intrusive thoughts (ocd) and my own pathetic being.
Here I will write by true thoughts, at least I will try.
I always struggle to put my thought into words, when typing I almost stutter too like in irl, you must be confused how, well my brain forget how to function and comprehend how to type and always types wrong things and I have to erase them all and type again. It's like my brain is confused and one part of my brain is foggy (for the most part). I wish spelling mistakes and grammar didnt exist at times.
Anyways, I stop with that.
The main reason I posting this is because I am tired and depreciating my pathetic self with self loathe.
I want to stop being happy, I want to stop being sad, I want to stop feeling any emotions. I want to stop eating for the post part, I want the intrusive thoughts to stop, I want my pathetic self to stop, I want me to stop, I want an end, I want to d i e.
This is my thoughts often times, even though I already know as bright as daylight that I shouldn't be thinking nor feeling the way I am right now. Weren't 10 years enough, that the ocd and anxiety is getting worse and worse and I am grappling with depression and hopelesssness?
I hate myself I hate this world tbh. I have brain fog, can't think clearly, my words get jumbled up and become gibberish at times and even typing is frustrating because I am getting confused and typing b for g and i for z. Yes, I might be having neurological damage at this point, but that is only an excuse.
There's nothing wrong with me, I used to speak and type better, at one year I did too. Now I am always anxious always confused, the intrusive thoughts and brain fog wont go away neither I can stop myself frok always feeling pathetic and like ***.
People go through ***, abuse, torture, war and what not, and I am undermining and disrespecting them by feeling like the way I do when I shouldn't be at all. This is what I believe.
I used to be ok and happy, and now I am not happy even when I should be. I am thinking the wrong things and thinking the bad things, even though I have been told to stop I cant I cant its impossible for me..I try to byt the relief is for only a min or two.
I have been told to stop yet I cant.
I have been told so much, I cant forget that.
For my betterment, yet I am wanting to s.
I dont even know why I am going on and on thinking what i dont want I cant control that ranting on and on. I dont get why I am like this why I am doing this, whats the point of talking about and saying all this here, really hopelesss wishes are worst than no hope at all and no wishes too because sometimes some wishes do not come true what remains is only thoughts of death and constant never-ending anxiety.
Whats funny, I am starting to not even relax when I just wake up and have bad dreams when I sleep more than I ever had, ofc the nightmares have been less frequent but for how long? Truly I have no idea whats going to be my life like anymore or even if I will be alive in the future in any literally any sense at all.
I am not in crisis for the sake of guidelines I dont even have any plans because nothing will work for me at least not now and ofc I am a pathetic person who is a coward and imprisoned by intrusive thoughts.
Well I am done ranting
I am a joke I am never ever in my *** life taken seriously. I think when if I ever com mit s then my parents and others will understand but ofc i feel like even then they wont.
I should be de ad this year. I hope I can en d my suffering if I cant take it anymore. God if you do listen to me, just let me end this. Let me have my punishment..After that please please give me my de ath and true de ath after that nothingness at all..really if thats possible..I do deserve suffering and punishment, please please after that let me di e and be at pea ce..if theres truly any peace. I am sorry..I am sorry. I know I feel guilty writing this, I know I am in the wrong but I am done..I dont want anymore..I am weak, I dont need more suffering to be stronger. Please bless them and let them be free from their suff ering who suffer and please please please please please have mercy on me too.
I am even embarrassed I said all this..but I cant keep on going any longer if this and more of what I go through and i have no idea what else is waiting for me to increase my pain more..yes I am not in reality feeling any pain, i am being a brat trying to take the easy w ay out..but I have no idea what other easy w ays I can ever choose. Are there ever any easy w ays? Is there peace in the future, will I have freedom from my shackles?
IF there is peace and freedom then I dont wish for s or an early de ath. But if I do have an early dea th, please let my short life be at least truly happy one so that even an early dea th isn't regret and sadness filled.
I am not in crisis please dont delete this page as one in sh community was done in January.
Let me keep this post at least where I spoke freely.
@calmmoon2104 I saw you suffer with pure O and saw this. You said you are not taken seriously. I feel I need to tell you I know this is very serious. Mental torture is real.
@ConstellationSystem I really wish good for you.
@ConstellationSystem
May you be free from your suffering soon too. My pain and mental torture aren't enough to mandate them to be called "serious". I wrote here that my parents would care and maybe also understand if I committed sui. But now I truly really truly know that they won't care for me but themselves I dont blame them for that in any sense in any way at all. They won't understand, even not a bit that they will and maybe forever they will not. I cant fight them cant explain what I cant about my feelings and thoughts ever to deaf ears I dont have have energy to fight a loosing war any longer. I am tired and done with this war. No ruminating and venting anymore now.
Anyway thank you for your kind words constellation. I appreciate you and your hobbies are really good, I liked Pokémon in the past.
@calmmoon2104 would you message me over 1:1 chat? I wish we could talk. I am not afraid of what you wrote here.
@pinkCherry1616
Hi pinkcherry thank you for your support. I cant message you since you are a listener for 18 and above.
@calmmoon2104
Oh, my bad. We can post a little here, if you are comfortable.
I feel deeply about what you wrote.
@pinkCherry1616
It is heartbreaking. You seem to not be able to see your own beauty.
I am not someone who knew you for long. But I have enough evidence on this platform to see it. Girl, there is so much caring in you! So much that it hurts. That you have trouble holding it... It seems to overwhelm you... It seems to crush you 😢...
I feel like... I want to scream. It so precious and so fragile. Your life made you believe that you are broken. That you are pathetic. I hope that what I am about to write won't insult you. You are a bird in too small cage. It hurts you too have wings. You can feel the pain with every move. Those wings get stuck in the cage bars, they bleed.
It seems to me that you made friends on this platform. What did it mean? Are you able to describe that?
@calmmoon2104
I am not someone who knew you for long. But I have enough evidence on this platform to see it. Girl, there is so much caring in you! So much that it hurts. That you have trouble holding it… It seems to overwhelm you… It seems to crush you 😢…
I feel like… I want to scream. It so precious and so fragile. Your life made you believe that you are broken. That you are pathetic. I hope that what I am about to write won’t insult you. You are a bird in too small cage. It hurts you too have wings. You can feel the pain with every move. Those wings get stuck in the cage bars, they bleed.
It seems to me that you made friends on this platform. What did it mean? Are you able to describe that?
It’s like you are me and I’m you🌹
These thoughts seem standard for GAD and MDD patients. It’s like a cycle of thoughts and never stoping. BUT finding a solution is the key, fighting daily with these thoughts not solving any thing. Accepting it help but implementation of acceptance is also painful and difficult we all are prisoners of our own wishes and thoughts and not letting it go. Not ready to face the reality. All the therepist try us to accept and let it go but it’s not very easy to leave any thing. in true sence I struggle acceptance but all the time failed and badly disappointed. Yes few things which i accepted then interlaced. One time burgler enter my room at night and took all my old items like broken band repaired watches my awards and Awards pins , coins, shirts, empty wallets etc etc. Worthless for any other person but valuable for me and I got panicky, upset and sad all the times. My anxiety level crossed the limits but then I learn to accept it. Thinking how happy I’m without it.
Likewise many times we loose cans failed but acceptance heal our wounds. But relationships losses most oftentimes stay and not acceptable, too as we feel we are nothing without them. Here the mental sickness start and flareup., inexperienced handcuffing regularly. Don’t know how to accept the reality??
It’s like you are me and I’m you🌹
These thoughts seem standard for GAD and MDD patients. It’s like a cycle of thoughts and never stoping. BUT finding a solution is the key, fighting daily with these thoughts not solving any thing. Accepting it help but implementation of acceptance is also painful and difficult we all are prisoners of our own wishes and thoughts and not letting it go. Not ready to face the reality. All the therepist try us to accept and let it go but it’s not very easy to leave any thing. in true sence I struggle acceptance but all the time failed and badly disappointed. Yes few things which i accepted then interlaced. One time burgler enter my room at night and took all my old items like broken band repaired watches my awards and Awards pins , coins, shirts, empty wallets etc etc. Worthless for any other person but valuable for me and I got panicky, upset and sad all the times. My anxiety level crossed the limits but then I learn to accept it. Thinking how happy I’m without it.
Likewise many times we loose cans failed but acceptance heal our wounds. But relationships losses most oftentimes stay and not acceptable, too as we feel we are nothing without them. Here the mental sickness start and flareup., inexperienced handcuffing regularly. Don’t know how to accept the reality??
