I just want to vent
I feel like *** half the time, the other half I don't remember a thing.
I was abused from the age of 5, it lasted for many years, and that, combined with harassment and bullying, has left me with lasting scars that I don't know how to treat. I freeze up at loud noises, I panic when I'm in closed rooms with men and I have this same nightmare over and over again that I've had since I was 8, where there's something in my Belly that moves and I bleed.
I hate myself, I hate myself so much, I keep feeling that I am very weak and I can't even go to study (I only study once a week and I can't even handle that) I don't want to do anything, I don't want anything, and I've noticed that my memory is blank when I think about the last few months; I can't remember anything I did last week or even what I ate yesterday. My situation is getting worse and worse, and the healthcare system in my wonderful country has left me without treatment and without medication...
. And yet here I am, not knowing how to live. I'll graduate soon, and I'm terrified and stressed, and by some divine intervention, I get out of bed every day to drag this out a little longer...
@mariaManzanilla
🙏🏻
Your pain is real and valid 🫂
It sounds like you have been through a lot of painful and distressing experiences, and they are still showing their effects on your body. Anyone who has gone through this much distress in their life would feel exhausted and disconnected like this.
What you are describing—freezing, panic, nightmares, and memory gaps—are not the side effects of weakness. These are ways your mind has been protecting you for a long time. The self-hate and exhaustion you feel make sense, but they don't define who you are.
When thoughts feel too heavy, doing something simple or routine helps to divert the mind from those thoughts and release stress. It helps to break the cycle of intense thoughts.
The fact that you are still getting out of bed and doing a simple routine, even when it feels too heavy and uneasy, shows your strength and is commendable. You don't have to figure out everything right now.
Please don't carry this alone—You need help and support 💕
@mariaManzanilla
It sounds like you're "scars" may be related to PTSD and unresolved grief. When a person is dealing with such a state of mind, concentration, memory and physical well-being is commonly affected. I'm sorry you've had to face such hardship in your life.
That you've made it so far, especially without any kind of help is amazing, and I'd even say heroic.
I hope your life becomes more manageable.
@mariaManzanilla
Lamento que hayas tenido que pasar por una experiencia tan dolorosa y traumatizante como esa.
Debido a él es comprensible que tú sistema nervioso se encuentra constante en estado de alerta por al trauma sufrido, lo cual ocasión esos episodios de amnesia selectiva debido a la carga psico emocional. Por lo que tú sistema nervioso elige bloquear cerrados recuerdos con el fin de protegerse.
Es probable que cada que te enfrentas a sucesos estresante durante tu vida, tu cerebro decidida disociar tu experiencia cerrada con el fin de evitar más daño, por ello mismo es que te paralizas cuando escuchas ruidos fuertes, ya que asocias dicho estímulo con alguna experiencia nociva pasada. Mientras que cuando te encuentras en espacios confinados con otros hombres de inmediato tu organismo se encuentra funcionando en modo supervisión. Más sumando el bully y acoso escolar que te desgastan aún más... Todo puede parecer gris, sofocante y sin salida alguna.
Pero hay algo que tienen que entender. Tu no tienes responsabilidad ni culpa alguna por lo ocurrido, eras una niña cuando ocurrió aquello. No eres debil, ni inmerecedora de amor o afecto. Todo lo contrario, eres una persona muy fuerte que sigue luchando por estar bien aun con las heridas que porta. Por más que en ocasiones todo se vuelva tan pesado, sigues aquí de pie.