I'm nothing more than a broom, waiting to be used.

I have a hard time accepting that I may be depressed; the main reason is I can find happiness and be happy about things and look forward to things.

But I'm a 45 year old man in a dead bedroom marriage. I do all the cooking, cleaning and taking care of our kids who are now in their teens.

I bring home most of the money, and because of that its always gone. If im lucky if I can spend $20 on myself per check. She gets to out money in savings and I dont. I even have to send her money to take care of bills. Then I get told I stress about money too much.

She's in another country right now, on yet another vacation. I'll admit most of those vacations are cheap but we wasn't getting paid while she's gone. So more financial stress on me. Although cheap she never realizes the cost to others around her.

We even have a semi-adoped kid who's parents just did not want her anymore once she was 16. She stays in our house for free (friend of my daughter's) withno job we pay her car insurance, and cell phone bill. While she drives my car everywhere because I work from home; she needs it so she dose not have to walk 20 minutes to hairstyling school.

I work in I.t. for a dying company who has had to reduce my pay to stay afloat, and the I.t. industry is so flooded its impossible to get another job. Working 9-5 m-f, and about 2-3 hours a night and on weekends due to critical issues, i dont get bonus pay for it.

I have gained a lot of weight in the last 5 years due to these stresses, and something always comes up preventing me from going to the gym.

Things just are ***, how can I change my perception and feel better about stuff. Drugs dont work, alcohol doesn't work. I have too much responsibility to do those things, to many people need me to be there.

No one is there for me. Even my dnd group that I was in since I was 16 have stopped being there for me. They would rather play with someone who molested my daughter knowing full well its an issue.

My birthday has been forgotten about several times.

I reach out and no one is there, including wife. They reach out and like a broom in a closet in always ready to work.

I cant get along with my son, he has severe ADHD he uses it as an excuse, not doing work at school, his room is a disaster. Garbage and mice. I have to spend all weekend cleaning it only to be yelled at by him, and kicked and pushed and shoved

It's a vicious cycle of circular thinking I need to break.

Maybe iifi was more of a man, like I see others being. Not giving a ahit about people. Yelling at their wives and kids. Looking out for number 1.

That or I need to change my life. I'm 45, I can't imagine being a failure of a husband and being in a single $2000 1 bedroom apartment. Who can afford that... i feel so trapped. No way to get out, no one to love me. No way to do things for myself .

I'm fine being alone, I just can't stand being alone while surrounded by people who are supposed to love me.

I've had lots of conversations with my wife and friends on this stuf, but it never seems to matter.