I'm only ok at work. I'm tortured by the past.

When I'm at work, I'm needed. I play a preordained role and I don't have to think- just serve. Others build up a persona for me and I live inside that false mask of positivity.

Outside of work I am nothing.

I had a good childhood and I was a creative teenager, but ever since college hit, things have gone downhill: insane loneliness, eating disorder, self harm, and alcohol abuse. I clung to an old friendship and watched it die. I clung to another friend and watched myself begin to hate her. My parents yelled at me instead of helping- or they said nothing. They have businesses and plastic surgery to take care of. Mental health professionals abused their power. Therapy didn't work. I cling to an old friend that ignores me when i visit her- she doesn't care that I find it difficult to be creative or that I feel like I've lost myself. I cling to another old friend that only talks about material things and online drama- she used to be inspirational and creative. The brother I used to love is now a pathetic ghost of himself who hates me. My two other brothers have grown to be strangers to me. I try to love them, but I can't. A mentor traumatized me. A psychiatrist pushed the wrong diagnosis and made my life *** for half a year before dropping me- she said i was a bad patient. Everyone I know, including myself, has become a worse version of themselves. Any guy I meet that I get along with ends up leaving me when I tell them I just need a friend. It hurts. My life is full of 'used to's. 

I can't concentrate on being a person, can't concentrate on being optimistic and creative, when i feel like im sitting in the middle of a shipwreck with the water only rising by the day. Continuing to live like this: a fake person at work and a shell of a person at home- the future is unbearable. 

Anyone else only ok at work? Anyone else tortured by 'used to's?