I’m so lost and don’t know how to feel any more…
Hi everyone. Today has been a really bad day and I’m trying to recover, but nothing is helping. I went through *** today. Husband and I got into an argument and he said some things that just set me off. They were hurtful. Seems to be a reoccurring thing with him whenever he gets “upset”. Does anyone else believe that things said while being upset have truth in how the person feels? I certainly do. I’m tired. I can’t do it anymore. It’s bad enough I have depression, but for him to add to it? Nah. I honestly do not understand how he treats me this way when he claims he loves me. I can’t even look at him right now. That’s how upset I am. I have it in my head that I might want to walk away from our marriage. I’m sick of feeling worthless, stupid, unloved, and not good enough. He asked me a question and I answered politely (even with being upset) and his response back was quite rude and very aggressive.
It’s not just depression I’m dealing with either. One of my children just moved away. I’m so lost without her. She could always make me feel better just by going to sit with her and talking to her. Texting her doesn’t quite have the same outcome. My doctor wants me to make an appointment with a therapist to see if that will help with my depression and or mood. I could dump a million things on them, but not so sure it will help. I guess I don’t know until I try. I’ve been sitting here crying for hours now. I’m so lost and sad. I need the biggest hug right now and for someone to tell me it will be ok because it sure doesn’t feel like things will ever get there 😭
Thank you for reading (if you did), I don’t usually get a lot of responses when I post. Just thought I would try because I have no one right this second that I trust with any of this information right now. The few I do are asleep.
@ConcernedWife2017
The sound of your distress and hurt comes through loud and clear. I am very sorry that you are feeling at such a low ebb and do not feel supported by your partner. There will be better days. I understand it can be very hard to see that horizon, and happiness tomorrow doesn't lessen the sadness of today.
It sounds like your relationship with your child is very special, and it is lovely that you feel their presence could lift your spirits. You are quite right, that texting is a lesser substitute for being in someone's company, especially when that person has such an impact on how you feel. Do you find calling them gives a greater sense of connection when they cannot be physically close to you?
I appreciate that these words will probably not be able to alleviate the burdens on your heart, but I just wanted to let you know that you are heard.
@BastionKnight,
Thank you for your reply. I try to tell myself better days are ahead, but honestly I don’t know if I believe it. I’ve had many bad days with him. I know we had good as well, but sometimes even trying to explain things to him and let him know what triggers me is a chore. He doesn’t hear me and he does the stuff anyway. He made me feel like 💩 tonight. I can’t even explain how much worse this makes me feel with having depression.
@ConcernedWife2017
Bad days can feel disproportionally large and heavy...so much so that it does make it frequently hard to keep in mind the better ones.
It is very understandable that when you feel you are being treated badly that it makes it hard to feel that there is any light at the end of the tunnel.
That your partner made you feel so worthless is very unkind and unfair. Sometimes there are days when it seems that the trajectory is continually down. On those occasions, I have sometimes found it helpful to say to oneself "Okay, today is write-off. So rather than expend more of my dwindling energy on dwelling on what I can't avoid or salvage what I can't fix, let's consign this day to the bin and see what tomorrow brings".
I hope your tomorrows will be easier than today, but even if it is not so straight away, we can always chuck more todays in the bin and try to find ways to get small wins and comforts in.
@ConcernedWife2017
Hello Concerned,
I'm sorry that your husband is saying hurtful things during an argument. I feel that 90% of what is said out of anger is not true or ment to be true. This is my take on spousal arguments, in 40+ years there have been plenty of times my wife will spew a bunch of hurtful words during an argument and when things cool down. I know she only said those things out if anger and not because she ment it, I hope this is the same for your husband.
Has your daughter moved far? Can you go to her place until things settle down and cooler heads prevail?
@QuietByNature
Thank you for your reply. I think what you are saying is true for some and that it doesn’t have any meaning behind it. With my husband, I feel it does, sadly. I think that might be because he brings the same stuff up, even out of the arguments. Maybe just worded a bit differently. It sucks knowing this person I have loved for almost my whole life thinks so little of me.
She has not moved too far, but at the moment doesn’t have the room for me to stay. She has some things that need to be done before hand and her spare rooms are packed right now. Maybe soon if things do not cool down here. Thank you so much for your time in answering me. I appreciate it.
@ConcernedWife2017 I'm assuming you have talked to your husband about how it makes you feel when he makes little or no effort to understand how what he says makes you feel? How did he respond? I'm also assuming that you've never been to couples therapy so a third party could provide feedback to him on the nature of his interaction, right?
After a lifetime of being a certain way, sometimes it is hard for some to truly understand how they come across to others, and often requires a hard knock before they wake up. And sometimes a hard knock is not enough and outside intervention may be required - that may be required in your husband's case, assuming ofc they are willing and you are willing to make the effort. It sounds a lot like maybe you are at the end of your rope, though, and maybe trying to get someone else to change, never ever an easy thing, is really asking too much.
@azuleyes
Yes, I have actually let my husband know many times how it makes me feel. I talk and talk but do not get through apparently. I explained to him many times the way it makes me feel. He will say sorry every time afterwards, but then it happens again at some point. He also says he will not do it again, but he does.
You are correct in saying that it’s a hard habit to break, because he can’t break the cycle. He grew up like that with parents like that, so maybe it’s just him seeing it and thinking it’s normal. I don’t know for sure, I can’t really speak for him. I have just witnessed things like this before and that had always seemed to be the case.
We have never been to couples therapy. I had asked him multiple times to go, he always says he doesn’t want to. A big thing that he does is say that he got upset over a different situation (nothing to do with us), and he ended up taking it out on me and that he’s sorry. I explained that he can’t do that. He agrees, but again- multiple offenses with it. None of this is an excuse, but as you said it’s a hard habit to break if it was lifelong reoccurrence. And I understand that. I just shouldn’t have to be the one who he takes it out on.
@ConcernedWife2017 Wow - so sorry to hear that about your husband. I think your
husband perhaps at some level realizes he has a problem, but is unwilling to do
anything significant to change. Unfortunately, in such circumstances, where he
can continue to live a relatively comfortable life with no serious blow back
for his maladaptive behavior, someone has to provide the blow back before he
takes the issue seriously. And I think the only person who can provide the blow
back is you, which if you do go that route, would not be at all easy.
Definitely a good idea to talk this over with a therapist, someone experienced
in dealing with difficult relationship issues.
@ConcernedWife2017
Hello,
So sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time with your husband and that you are struggling with depression.
Your doctor mentioned talking with a therapist. Through my own experience I have found that a therapist can be helpful when going through difficult times.
We care and we are here to help and support you.
Like you, I know how difficult it can be when our adult children first move out of our house to be on their own. It is not easy to let go, but it is a part of their growing up and becoming independent. It requires time to adjust, but it does get better.
Sending love and hugs.💕🫂
@sabeyesofblue3535
Hi there. Thank you so much for your reply. The depression is awful. It’s not the worst it can be, and I’m thankful for that, but it’s still hard. I am planning on making an appointment with a therapist to talk. I am hoping it helps, even if a little.
Yeah, I do understand it’s all part of them growing up and becoming independent. It’s just really hard. Especially on top of everything else. I miss her so much. I still see her, but it’s not every day like it was before. So that’s hard. I talk to her daily though. I know it will be better in time, it’s just hard for the time being.
Thank you so much for all of your kind words. I appreciate it. 💖