Is this a good sign?
I have been struggling with depression for a long time, and in the past I had many thoughts about suicide and even tried to take my own life many times, more than twenty times, although none of those attempts worked and eventually I stopped trying. Recently, however, I have noticed something confusing happening to my emotions: even though I still sometimes have thoughts about suicide or dreams related to it, I also feel strangely calm or even happy for no clear reason. This sudden calmness feels unusual to me because for a long time my mind was full of heavy and painful thoughts. At the same time, I have found myself giving some of my belongings—especially things that are meaningful or special to me—to people who are close to me, like my mother or other loved ones. Normally I am very protective of my belongings and would not easily give them away, which is why this change in my behavior feels strange and confusing even to me. I am not sure why I feel this way or why I am doing these things, and although I do not feel like I want to harm myself right now, the combination of feeling unusually calm, giving away my belongings, and still occasionally thinking or dreaming about suicide makes me concerned and unsure about what is happening in my mind. Because of this, I feel that it is important for others to understand what I have been experiencing so that I am not dealing with these thoughts and feelings completely alone.
@communicativeKiwi4255
🙏🏻
Your safety and emotional health matter 🫂
It sounds like you have gone through many painful experiences. It is completely understandable to feel confused by the recent and sudden changes in your emotions. When the mind has been carrying heavy and painful thoughts for a long time, it can become tired and emotionally numb. This numbness may sometimes feel like calmness, even though it may not reflect true healing. The suicidal thoughts and past attempts you mentioned deserve careful attention and support.
One helpful and important step would be to share your thoughts, feelings, and recent changes in behavior honestly with a mental health professional as soon as possible. They can help you understand what may be happening and support you during this time. If you are already seeing a doctor or therapist, letting them know about the calmness, the dreams, and these changes in your feelings could help them support you better.
It may also help to stay connected with people you trust, such as your mother or close friends, instead of going through these challenges alone. Being around supportive people can help you feel safer and cared for during confusing moments.
You have already shown strength by going through many difficult experiences and by sharing what you have been feeling with us. Reaching out and allowing others to support you during this difficult phase can help you stay safe and move toward healing.
Healing and support are available. Please continue to stay connected and supported.
Sending strength and healing your way 💕🫂
Thank you so much for your concern. Actually I think I am a bit better now. Especially because I have been able to journal but the big more better than last time. I am still a very scared talk to a professional therapist. It is not because of what people my say mainly due to my insecurities of my parents reaction.
I had tried to get help multiple times before falling into that pit. But from the reaction it was clear that they didn't really care or understand and didn't really wanted to acknowledge the fact. So I am still struggling but I think I can still do better relying on my on. I don't know why I have this kind of feeling where I don't really want the other peoples help or other part is help but I am also very desperated for them to notice me and help me.
And for some reason I have been able to be Self aware about a lot of things related to mental health and up my own all the problems that have been occurring. For many the since like a blessing but for me it's more of a curse. Since I know what kind of help I need ,I know what kind of problem I am in, I know that my mental health is getting worse. But I can't really help myself I am somehow stuck. And it is really painful and it also brings numbness because I know I want help but I really can't help myself.
There's are many things such as parentism as I have got no that what I had experience was that. It very is sad because you know why you are feeling this way are ,why you had been feeling that way but you can't do anything about it. So because of that most of my empathy and emotions are numb I mean I can express but I can't express myself like I used to especially like a child I used to be.
