It's back. Again
This may be triggering*
You think getting out of depression's hard, try being depressed after a phase where everything was better. The worst is feeling like I went two steps further, two steps back. I feel empty, no matter how much I try to have a better routine, exercise, no matter how much I discipline myself, no matter how much I achieve. My head is either empty, either screaming " IT'S NOT ENOUGH! " . The worst is feeling disconnected from others, especially my friends, and feeling like you live in another universe. With depression, you're either " normal" , relatively calm and controlled, either in different stages of panic, guilt, anxiety mixed with shame, and often anger or sadness. There's no happiness, joy or excitement. No matter the good things that will happen, you can only ever be in fear of the next bad stage. In a summary, it's living in ***. I'm not even talking about all the study-delay. About being late almost everyday and hearing people tell you " Try more. Do more efforts. Wake up earlier. Run. Go faster. Organize yourself BETTER. " Depression makes you invisible in some way. I feel like a ghost. The question is : " Do my friends actually not care or is it all because of depression ? " Trying to smile, but I can't. Depression means you can't act anymore. Or pretend to yourself it's easy. It's not controlling your emotions, and then saying something you don't want, it's feeling isolated and wondering why you can't just be less insecure and more confident. It's about feeling like I lost my light, little by little, and that the people who hurt me won. I don't feel like a " boss" anymore. I don't feel strong, resilient. I feel like I became the word I hate more then anything. A victim. Not a survivor. I feel naive again. Controllable again. Alone again. Alone even with myself. I try to hold into the image of me there was in the mirror, but that image collapses. And there's only a broken me I can see. A destroyed perfectionnist, who probably has ADHD, who wonders why she can't remember the 100 things in her internal to do list, can't be like everyone else.
@oliveSailboat9838
I relate a lot to this.
Sometimes it feels like emotions are completely out of one's hands. You do all the things they say to stay well, and you end up in darkness again. That really messes with self-esteem. The resulting feelings of loneliness are hard to bear. You can control how you respond to this though.
The thing that really stuck out to me was your mention of ADHD. Are you diagnosed? Treatment could really help with what may be some pretty severe emotional dysregulation. I would speak to a professional about it if it seems to be the problem.
I recommend tracking your mood and journaling. When we don't know what's going on, knowledge is power. Plus, introspection is therapeutic anyway. You can't lose. You may just need to process your emotions to figure out what you want and need.
I'm still trying to understand depression. There seem to be many kinds with different causes. It's not an easy thing to deal with. But this is an important step in figuring out what's going on: asking for help.
Keep expressing yourself. Look within, look without, learn about yourself. That was my saving grace, and I think those things hold value no matter your circumstance.
It's hard right now. I completely understand that. Try not to engage in negative self-talk during this time, for I believe it is exactly that: a time. Remember the good, for it will help you get through this difficulty.
The problem is I don't have time to take care or myself. I have so many things to do...
@oliveSailboat9838
I see a lot of people struggle to take care of themselves because they just don't have the time.
Beyond empathy, all I can offer is hope. I believe in you.
😰