Just needed to vent dw just a bit overwhelmed

I find it hard to find any sort of motivation to keep on going. I have a good family, I study a nice career and if I ask for anything material that I want, I’ll get it.

I just don’t see how life is worth it and I feel so ungrateful for being so unhappy. I cannot bring myself to see how studying to have a job is worth the time, how living just to die anyways is worth it.

I study a career because that’s what I’m expected to, I went out with a boy because that’s what I’m supposed to.

I brought pain to that boy by telling him the truth, I worry him and hurt him by telling him that I just allowed him to kiss me because I wanted to return the momentary laughs he had brought me, that I believed I owed him. I will bring disappointment and loss to my family if I fail, that I don’t want them to spend more money and energy on me.

I wish I didn’t had to deal with the burdens that come with simply existing. Now I have to make a life for myself somehow, when I don’t really want to live at all.

I don’t hurt myself or others, but if I could choose to stop existing, I would.

I wish I were dead instead of my mother, my family would’ve been so much happier if it was that way. My mom was so beloved by her sister’s children, she always spoiled them when their father wasn’t there. They love her.

Then I came, she died when I was 14, and now my aunt has to take care of me.

I made them suffer so much my speaking of the pain my mother brought me, how hurtful the things she had said were — I dirtied the perfect picture they have painted of her, and I know they only keep up with me because we are blood. I know they love her in a way they could never do with me.

I’m not trying to sound depressed, I just think it’s a fact. They would’ve been better off without me, I’m just a fanatical burden.

I’m 20 and I feel Im wasting my time, I just want to get this over with.

I laughed at the fact that I was looking for help tonight, and everything was so expensive. Love how only those with money can afford to seek help.

Worst thing is that I can afford it. I can ask for the money and they would give it to me.

I just don’t want to bother them anymore.

I’m in a better position that a lot of people who truly are in a crisis and require help and I don’t use that privilege.

I wish I could sleep all day every day, but I have to keep studying.

Thats it, goodnight.