Just releasing
I’ve come to realise that I’m not really a good person. I lie a lot and I’ve hurt many people. It’s never been intentional but I’ve still done it, and these actions have had serious consequences. I don’t have friends, there are people that say they are there for me but when I try to open up, I just feel like there’s no point. It’s hard to maintain relationships when ur as messed up as I am. My whole life I’ve felt this void and struggle to be at peace with things. I hold onto the past and find it hard to think about the future. If I didn’t work, I’d go days without speaking to anyone and that’s such a scary feeling. I don’t like being alone. I’m someone that needs a lot of attention. I’ve got work to do I know but I’ve been thru so much that I just feel like I need someone to look after me. I’m not sleeping properly and I’m not eating right either. Funny thing is I just got a temporary promotion at work but I can’t even feel excited about it. I’ve tried counselling many times and the last time, I had one session before she cancelled because our schedules wouldn’t match and I’ve not heard anything back from another counsellor. I hate depression. I hate feeling low and depressed. I hate crying myself to sleep. I hate putting on a facade and faking happiness and lying about how I’m really feeling. I am not in a good space. I just don’t know how to get out of it. Writing this here cos I have no1 else to talk to
@conscientiousTiger7814
Hey Tiger. I know you're going through some hard times but I hope that your day gets better, even if it's just a little bit. Have you ever kept a gratitude journal before? <3
I want to respond to this piece by piece. :) 🌻
I’ve come to realise that I’m not really a good person. -- We all question this. It's part of being human. You don't have to be perfect to be good, and being able to learn from your mistakes and regrets makes you even stronger in my opinion. You have weaknesses and strengths like every other person out there. And you're the only person that'll be with you constantly, so we can work on self-forgiveness and acceptance to make that a good person to be with.
"I lie a lot and I’ve hurt many people. It’s never been intentional but I’ve still done it, and these actions have had serious consequences." -- I understand. You're not alone in hurting others, everyone hurts each other. It's part of human nature and honestly, we all have the urge or the regret of doing things like lying even when we know we shouldn't. That doesn't make you a bad person - that makes you a PERSON. As long as you wake up, there's a new day to be a better version of yourself. You just have to have faith in yourself to give yourself that permission to do better. I believe in you.
"I don’t have friends, there are people that say they are there for me but when I try to open up, I just feel like there’s no point. It’s hard to maintain relationships when ur as messed up as I am." -- Have you ever looked into attachment styles? You deserve friends and people need friends. I think learning about those could be a good starting point to identify the issues you have specifically, such as with feeling comfortable to be vulnerable. Attachment Project is a great website for this (and I'd love to talk about it with you too!).
"My whole life I’ve felt this void and struggle to be at peace with things. I hold onto the past and find it hard to think about the future." -- You might have more deep-rooted issues, which attachment styles also teach us about. And don't feel negative about yourself due to the past, please. We all have childhood patterns that we repeat into adulthood. This is just what it means to mature: to become our own parental figure. Give your inner space to grieve, to be angry, to be sad. Anything they need to feel. Their feelings are valid and so are yours. Your past has its place in giving you the foundation (that can be repaired as necessary) to learn from, but it does not dictate your future. You have a life ahead of you to make what you want from it. I wonder if there's anything specifically on your mind, perhaps what created this void(?), that you need to reflect on. Be patient with yourself.
"If I didn’t work, I’d go days without speaking to anyone and that’s such a scary feeling. I don’t like being alone. I’m someone that needs a lot of attention. I’ve got work to do I know but I’ve been thru so much that I just feel like I need someone to look after me. I’m not sleeping properly and I’m not eating right either." -- Your mental health isn't going to be able to improve as much as you need if you're not sleeping and eating consistently, unfortunately. Do you have any goals in mind to help with these? I'd love to talk about them with you. Personally, I've found it helpful to set phone alarms for meals every 3-4 hours and to avoid eating 1-3 hours before sleep. Also, to sleep in as dark of a room as possible with ac on high/fan. I just sleep better in the cold so I can get cozy with my Squishmallows though, lol. But you're right in not liking being alone. Your brain knows you need social support and there's nothing wrong with that. Deep down, you got to listen to those feelings. Reach out even if you're scared. Being brave means doing it scared.
"Funny thing is I just got a temporary promotion at work but I can’t even feel excited about it." -- You don't have to feel excited yet. Depression can be numbing. But you can still acknowledge it, even if it feels fake or meaningless. You have a promotion. You got a promotion! You're a hard worker!
"I’ve tried counselling many times and the last time, I had one session before she cancelled because our schedules wouldn’t match and I’ve not heard anything back from another counsellor." -- Have you tried looking into Psychology Today's database? If you go to a community college, they may have a free counselor in between classes. Does your job have insurance or are you on state insurance? I don't mean to pry, but trying to make suggestions of where to begin your search again if you feel open to these options.
I hate depression. I hate feeling low and depressed. I hate crying myself to sleep. I hate putting on a facade and faking happiness and lying about how I’m really feeling. I am not in a good space. I just don’t know how to get out of it. Writing this here cos I have no1 else to talk to -- I want to leave one of my favorite quotes from a Tumblr meme here. Just entertain the idea.
🌻 "You will feel so alive again, like so incredibly alive. I don't know when that will be but it WILL be. You are going to feel so alive that your cheeks hurt from smiling. I promise that day is coming. You DO have a future, you DO have good things coming, and you'll survive EVERYTHING that's thrown at you until you reach that day." 🌻<3
Btw, I know your name is probably just randomized, but I love tigers! They were my elementary school mascot and it brings me warm fuzzies to think about lol.
Hi Seeds, thank you so much for responding in the way you did. Your words are so kind. I hope you are doing ok.
I’d like to respond back the way you did.
Self-forgiveness and acceptance is hard especially when I feel like I don’t deserve it. It’s like I don’t to want to forgive myself and I should just accept my karma. On the other hand that sounds very harsh and I wouldn’t want anyone else to not forgive me so why can’t I forgive myself?
Hurting people seems to be like a defensive mechanism but I don’t know what for. I never intentionally hurt people but my actions over time have consequences. I know that deep down I have a lot of love to give and I’m a quick to protect those close to me but I just present that in a loving way always. I like to be in control and I don’t k ow how to handle things when I’m not so I tend to lash out and push people away.
I have looked into attachment styles and I would definitely say I have a disorganised attachment. I used to have friends but not so much anymore. And it makes me think about what have I done wrong? But I also think that maybe they never really understood me or cared enough to. Because I’ve struggled with my emotions pretty much my whole life, I’m a huge empath and I take on other peoples emotions/problems, I don’t find it easy to express myself but I feel like no1 has really given me the chance or tried to stick it out with me. So how can I open up to people when this pattern keeps reoccurring? I’ll have a look at that website but I’d love to delve into the attachment styles more with you too.
I definitely have deep-rooted issues some I’m aware of and others im still trying to figure out. To name a few, my dad left us at a young age in a traumatic way and I am a daddy’s girl, I held resentment towards my mum and we didn’t have the best relationship, I also didn’t have the best relationship with my older sister, I’ve been sexually abused, I lost both my grandparents who I cared for both my parents have now passed away too within 11 months of each other and I cared for them too. So yea I’d say a lot of the way I’m feeling and the things I’m going through now is because of this. I haven’t come to terms with any of it and I know I need to but there’s so much more to unpack.
Sleeping and eating are really difficult for me, sleeping is probably the worst. I have a night routine that I created so I guess I need to start with that again and amend it if it doesn’t work. I don’t forget to eat, my issue is knowing what to eat. I don’t have a good relationship with food and I’m incredibly fussy. As a result I’ve grown to hate cooking so I tend to avoid it. Which obviously puts me in a bad cycle of either not eating or eating the wrongs things. I also sleep better in a cold room, so I leave my window open but I might try the fan for the white noise. I hate being alone but I wouldn’t know who to reach out to.
My promotion is definitely a plus and I am grateful for that. It will give me a chance to learn and grow and who knows what doors it may open for me. I just don’t want to waste the opportunity.
What is the Psychology Todays database? I am not in education nor do I have insurance but I will look into what my work can offer. I live in the uk so there are a lot of free services for this but the waiting times a ridiculously long and most services and inundated with cases.
Thank you for the quote: that means a lot and it’s a good reminder to keep pushing.
Also tigers are cool, I’m definitely a cat lover lol. I’m glad my name could give you good memories 🥰
Side note: before and whilst typing I was crying but feel a bit better now so thank you x
@conscientiousTiger7814 you are in a good place. This is a good place to start trying to deal with things.
May I recommend Listeners https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/
And trying a path https://www.7cups.com/path/
Keep coming back! You aren't alone!
@conscientiousTiger7814 you might find this helpful
https://www.7cups.com/path/playlist/moving-forward-with-self-forgiveness-under-construction/
