Lonliness depression
I feel like nobody has time for my trivial issues or to listen to my small problems, but actually feeling lonely is what really kills me. I want to cry to anyone with all my little small problems since grade 1 that nobody knows anything about. I am now depressed for these small things that I have kept inside me and now I suffer from loneliness, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, lack of experience in my life. I have tried to invest my time in some activities but whenever a small problem faces, I find myself alone and don’t know what to do so I just stress out and blame myself for it. I have never been in a relation with any girl as I don’t feel like I am the right one for any girl.
How do you guys make new friends or start new relations? And do you have in your life someone who you trust that would never leave you or is it normal to feel like I do?
Just want to let the small problems out to anyone:
1- I was bullied everyday in my early childhood in school and in my house by my father, younger brother and mother.
2- I have been rejected by my school friends when I told them that I want to join their gang and someone who I considered back then my best friend lied to me about not going to school trip so that I won’t join then he told me that he was going when the admission was closed.
3- A seller once harassed me for being weak as a child.
4- My parents used to leave me and my brothers at my aunt’s (my parents were not working or something) who was yelling at me a lot.
5- My uncle was treating my little brother so nice and was nearly avoiding me.
6- Once I was an example in front of the whole class about how ugly yet polite I am from my favorite teacher back then.
7- My high school best friend left me for another gang who used to smoke.
8- Everyday I hear my mother telling anyone about how low experienced I am in life.
I wish that I had someone who would defend me and guide me through these times. And now I am the ugliest and the most boring man on earth.
@chainhistoric
Hey you
So sorry that you had to go through all of these by yourself without having anyone to share them with.
And they are all valid issues and not small, as the previous user pointed out.
I'm going to address them individually as best as I can, but I'll let you know that I've dealt with a lot of issues on my own too for a long time, & all I've wanted most times is someone to share it with. But I guess, God blessed me with a tough hide (& though the loneliness can be overwhelming at times, I channel it into something productive, like helping others, doing productive work 💙 laughing (I'm a big fan of comedy. cos when you're laughing, you're healing) etc
Now, let me leave this here with you before I continue. No one has the power to hurt you until you give it to them.
They can try, but they won't get to you. However unintentional or intentional the gesture might be, they don't get any power unless you give it to them.
Now that that is out of the way, I want to address what you listed
1- I was bullied everyday in my early childhood in school and in my house by my father, younger brother and mother.
(Sorry about that. But that's water under the bridge now. They might have taken advantage of you then, don't give them that chance now) 💙
2- I have been rejected by my school friends when I told them that I want to join their gang and someone who I considered back then my best friend lied to me about not going to school trip so that I won’t join then he told me that he was going when the admission was closed.
(Their loss. They missed out on having a great time with you. You're a super interesting person to be around. Too bad they couldn't see it)
3- A seller once harassed me for being weak as a child.
(Pray to see that seller now so you can let them have a piece of your mind for saying that to an impressionable child)
4- My parents used to leave me and my brothers at my aunt’s (my parents were not working or something) who was yelling at me a lot.
(Have this experience firsthand, unpleasant relatives. You couldn't help being where you were. Forgive everyone involved and move on. If she still keeps her unpleasant attitude now at this stage of your life, give her distance)
5- My uncle was treating my little brother so nice and was nearly avoiding me.
(His loss as well. You're unique. Too bad he couldnt see it. He probably needs glasses.)
6- Once I was an example in front of the whole class about how ugly yet polite I am from my favorite teacher back then.
(That's cruel of a teacher to do. No one made themselves and no one should be made fun of, privately or publicly at that. Perhaps she did it in ignorance. Forgive her & know that that is not in anyway a reflection of who you are. You are priceless. The world is better because you're in it)💖
7- My high school best friend left me for another gang who used to smoke. (Who heard of youngsters smoking in high school who ended up being the valedictorian? I can assure you Elon Musk didn't. Hey. I know it might have been a cool thing then, but look at the bigger picture. They were probably a dangerous gang to be around, because you could've gotten into a lot of vices & perhaps ruined your future)
8- Everyday I hear my mother telling anyone about how low experienced I am in life. (Well, there's one way to prove her wrong isn't it? I've done that before. (Laughs). Start getting on dates bro. Get Experienced. & Watch your confidence come back. )
There are lots of YouTubers that help people out in this regard, one is Alpha M. Basically scour YouTube, get some tips and get out there.
Your future is yours to create!! 💯
Thank you for your kind reply, I will try to apply this mindset and see if any progress occurs and I will watch Alpha M. Videos for any tips. One of the barriers the keeps me away from healing is that I hear many negative words about me and nearly no positives to keep me going and the loneliness makes me keep these negatives inside me until I break down.
@chainhistoric
Hey friend, I understand how hard it can be to feel positive or good about yourself especially when all around you there has been nothing but negativity. I’ve faced this first hand and I will tell you, that the best confidence and love for myself came from when I started to see and tell myself those things instead of waiting for the people around me to. Although I’m still not sure why, we are often placed around people who usually do not have our best interests in mind. My guess is that all of these negative experiences are preparing you and leading you to the realization that are and will always be your #1 friend and supporter. Other people may change up as you said in your post and we have no control over others, only ourselves. So it is up to us to pour that love and positivity into ourselves first.
What helped me on my journey was:
- writing down and noting all the things I am passionate about & good at. Talents, Skills hobbies, what makes you, you? What makes you uniquely you? What lights you up? That is where I started to find my own inner strength and love and appreciation for myself.
- seeking groups or people that were positive and actually wanted to see the best for me. And then I only focused on these people, because in my opinion, only genuine people matter. The rest are just the villains in the heroes story. They are just there to make things interesting. But rarely is the story ever about them.
Hope this helps, you’ll be okay 💕 you already found a community of people on here who want the best for you.. keep searching.
None of those problems are "small". They are all moments where you have gotten badly hurt. A lot of us here have had things like that and the trauma takes a while to work your way through.
So it really begins with finding some solid starting points to build from. I am sure that you have heard the idea that it all starts with loving yourself and having confidence that you are a good person. That is much easier said than done though.
Two starting questions: do you have any doctor or therapy support? They can both help. And second, how are you doing on eating and drinking water right now? Those are the first ways that you love yourself. Sometimes starting from actionable items helps.
You can start building a friendship right here with me. I will write back once a day every day for as long as you want.
Thank you for your kind message. No, I don’t have a therapist because it is expensive where I live, I drink water and even have a healthy lifestyle. They are small problems because right now people struggle to advance in their careers or with building their own families and no one cares about me being bullied in my childhood or so.
I would appreciate your friendship right now and would be happy to talk with you.
Bullying in childhood can be devastating. It was for me. It is just as important as all the other stuff. But you work through it a step at a time.
It is great that you are leading a fairly healthy lifestyle. Are you getting outside every day? Creating a routine of caring for yourself can help quite a bit.
What kinds of things do you like to do?@chainhistoric
Not everyday but I go out every now and then. I enjoy games (any), cooking, football, movies.
There are lots of great things in there that can bring you a bit of comfort as you figure out how to move forward and which might start allowing you to create new friendships.
Tell me a little about the cooking first. Do you have certain things that you like to cook? How often do you get a chance to do it? What did you cook most recently? I did something with noodles, corn, cheese, and a few other vegetables tonight. @chainhistoric
I am more of a desserts guy but I don’t get to cook a lot now that I have started my healthy diet recently. Last time I made a flan and it was delicious.
Flan sounds pretty awesome. There are healthier versions of that as well. What kinds of healthier food are you making? I had some candied oranges today which were pretty good. They felt healthier than my usual cookies, but I bought them rather than making them.
Ok, now tell me about the football. Do you have a favorite team? Do you get out to play? If so, what is your favorite position?@chainhistoric
For my healthy food I try to keep it simple with not too many ingredients (oats with bananas and cinnamon for example). My favorite team is the Spanish team Real Madrid but I don’t get to play a lot as I don’t know enough people to complete a team and that is why I am not too good at playing it but I prefer defending positions.
The oats sound fantastic. I love banana and cinnamon. I recently made a spread of mashed peas, wasabi, a little light cream cheese, breadcrumbs, dill, salt and sugar that turned out well. It is nice to spread on toast. Though my son may have added a bit too much wasabi when he went to try some...
Real Madrid is quite good. I bet that they are fun to watch. Have you ever been to a game in person? I totally get not playing yourself. I am not particularly athletic either. Team sports are hard because you don't want to let other people down.
So you said that you like all games. Where do you play them? Do you have online friends that you do games with?
Finally, how was your day today? Are you feeling a little better? ("no" is a fine answer)
@chainhistoric
I have not been to a Real Madrid game in person before due to visas hard requirements. I play online games (solo or with strangers) and recently I play chess with a colleague.
My day was pretty good actually.
Yes, there are lots of fans who can only watch matches from afar. That doesn't make them less of fans though.
I don't do much in the way of online games myself except Wordle, but my sons are really into online chess. They do a large in person tournament each year in December. Do you have a favorite game?
Also, what's your favorite recent movie?
So what made today pretty good? It is always good to bookmark in your head those days that are okay so you can try to figure out what made things easier. @chainhistoric
I think chess is my favorite game but literally I enjoy all the games. I like to watch Harry Potter franchise but I heard that Sherlock Holmes will have a sequel soon and I am eager to that movie.
Really what makes my day good is that when I don’t have any problems or a conflict with anyone. My best days were when I spend time with someone I like and there is actually a friend of mine that I really enjoy spending time with but I feel he has a busy life and a family and I shouldn’t be intruding with that. What really hurts is that fear of abandonment that is inside me whenever he says something or does something I have that feeling that he got bored of me but he is too shy to say so and then I remember all the people who I liked and thought they liked me too but ended up abandoning me.
I enjoy watching my sons play chess, but I don't play. I do like Harry Potter and Sherlock Holmes though. One of my favorite Sherlock Holmes is Benedict Cumberbatch. Who is yours? I also liked the two Enola Holmes movies but they are more of a guilty indulgence than high quality.
I know that depression can make that fear of abandonment pretty strong. That fear can make things harder because it always feels like abandonment is about to happen. But it usually isn't. If you check in with your friend every so often (but not daily) then you can keep the friendship going usually. Other people may have abandoned you but it will never be true of everyone. It also is rarely your fault if someone moves on.
I like to think of friendships as taking lots of different types. I could say that I only have two closer friends. But in reality I have a bunch. Some are coworkers who I have general conversations with but the talks are friendly. Others are people I see once every six months. What different kinds of friendships can you see around yourself?@chainhistoric
I like Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes. I have 3 friends from school, one from college, one from work but none of which listens to me or help me with my daily problems. Others are acquaintances that I can talk to generally.
Hello, just wanted to let you know that today we were supposed to go out with the friend I told you about along with two other friends and we agreed on the exact time and place yet when I called him an hour before we meet he told me that he was out of town and he didn’t come with us eventually. Is this normal? How should I react to that? (P.s. I have an exam next week that I should have studied for but I have chosen to go out just to spend time with him)
I really hate it when I like people and be willing to sacrifice everything for them and I turn out to be so naive. I now have mixed feelings of being naïve and abandoned again.
Ok, I know that you are hurting right now, but I think that we can work through some of that.
First of all, friends are rarely complete confidants. They are good for occasional pick me ups but that works best when you also pick them up when they are down also. So it might help to see things in waves rather than in steady constants. Sometimes you are at different points on the wave. That is okay.
Friends also make tons of mistakes. Their lives are going quite different directions too. So when they cancel at the last minute (and mine also do so regularly) it really often is less about you and more about them. When you start giving them the benefit of the doubt, then your brain starts releasing you from the self doubt. They weren't trying to say anything about how they valued you as a friend. Does that help a bit? Focus on being your own friend first and liking yourself when someone cancels.
Speaking of which, there is a slight chance that I won't be as available the next day or two. I have to go fly to my aunt's funeral. It shouldn't interrupt things because I usually find time anyway, but if I don't you will know why. @chainhistoric
May she rest in peace, and I wish you a safe flight.
How can I like myself when I feel that nobody has ever liked me? My self-esteem and confidence become very low whenever someone hurts me like this.
I know that your self esteem is low right now. But how you feel about yourself can't ultimately be based in other people's actions. Only you has the power to make yourself and your emotions.
The process can be really slow. It isn't easy. There are down moments. This is coming from a person who was rejected for yet another job today (on top of my aunt's memorial service tomorrow). It hurts. A lot. But I am going to work hard to believe that I am still a good person who does good work. Someday someone will see that.
Focus on you and the things that make you comfortable with yourself. They matter. @chainhistoric
In the past two days I have started focusing on my career and stopped giving any attention to other people (even to my closest friends) if they treat me badly and that would make me lose them but I don’t care. I don’t know if it is the right thing to do or I have just become numb.
So sorry for missing a night. My aunt died and I was attending her memorial service. It has been a really rough week for me. Those happen for all of us.
I think that your plan for focusing on work for a bit is a good one. Sometimes you need time for things to calm down and for you to heal. You are making that space for yourself. That is good. @chainhistoric
I am so sorry for your loss and for your job rejection. I hope you get an even better job. You are a good person and deserve the best. I would really like to thank you a lot for being with me in these tough times.
Thanks for the support. I hope that things were a bit better for you today as well. Did you see anything that brought you joy for a minute or two? I am trying to find something for myself each day. Today it was a rock, shell and stick that someone had placed on a tree stump to make it look like a smiling face. @chainhistoric
It sounds like you're going through a tough time, and it's completely normal to feel lonely, especially when you're dealing with unresolved emotions and a lack of support.
Remember, you're not alone in feeling this way, and seeking help and connection is a brave step towards healing and finding meaningful relationships.
Maybe I am feeling lonely because I get taken advantage of many times and I don’t know how to react. That’s why I feel that I am the only one who is feeling this way. I am trying to get help by any means that is my last and only solution after all so pray for me please.
I don't really have any answers for you. I have trouble making friends and am lonely. I just want you to know I understand because I'm there now..depressed lonely...we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other
@chainhistoric
@chainhistoric
Hey friend, I understand how hard it can be to feel positive or good about yourself especially when all around you there has been nothing but negativity. I’ve faced this first hand and I will tell you, that the best confidence and love for myself came from when I started to see and tell myself those things instead of waiting for the people around me to. Although I’m still not sure why, we are often placed around people who usually do not have our best interests in mind. My guess is that all of these negative experiences are preparing you and leading you to the realization that are and will always be your #1 friend and supporter. Other people may change up as you said in your post and we have no control over others, only ourselves. So it is up to us to pour that love and positivity into ourselves first.
What helped me on my journey was:
- writing down and noting all the things I am passionate about & good at. Talents, Skills hobbies, what makes you, you? What makes you uniquely you? What lights you up? That is where I started to find my own inner strength and love and appreciation for myself.
- seeking groups or people that were positive and actually wanted to see the best for me. And then I only focused on these people, because in my opinion, only genuine people matter. The rest are just the villains in the heroes story. They are just there to make things interesting. But rarely is the story ever about them.
Hope this helps, you’ll be okay 💕 you already found a community of people on here who want the best for you.. keep searching.