My Depression is ruining my relationship
I've been buried in escapism that I've lost track of time. Real world news feels like gaming patch notes. Relationships are all fleeting.
I'm at a point where I'd rather be faded than have a conversation. But, I keep going up and down to being his best friend to be a distant coworker. I'm doing this towards the person that I love. The one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
It's terrible. I'm terrible. Because I've been telling myself that I'm going to change. That if I put in more effort, I'll be a better me. But I still feel the same. I am the same. People don't change. Their minds do. And I feel like I keep changing my mind between healing and self-destruction.
@Smile4mepls
Depression can be hard to explain or understand from the outside.
How is he responding, does he know your mood swings your ups and downs is depression? have you looked into medication or treatment of any sort ? depression IMO is punishing ourselves and we feel hopeless to change.... that does not mean there is no change.
@toughTiger6481
I think I'm ruining him. He's less happy.
He played a song from Jellyroll- Save Me, and expressed this is how he feels.
And it just makes me feel more like a loser.
I'm treating him like I treat everyone else. Even my own family, I'm cold and detached. So, how can I express love for him if I do the same towards the people that brought me into this world.
It's sick.
@Smile4mepls
He's done so much to help me. And I'm still like this. I told him I feel like giving up. I feels like he is, too.
I also romanticized being the best girlfriend if I ever got into a relationship. But, I can't even force myself to laugh. And when I do, it's forced. Everything knows it.
I'm just in a spiral. I'm just going through it.
@Smile4mepls
you are very self aware of what is happening that is a great sign. i know the struggle of playing fake so long i do not know what to do. i found for ME i just force myself to do things to find a way to climb out of the depression fog and i am totally honest with those around me of the struggle i am in