Not coping well
Just here to vent, I guess. So much is going through my mind right now that I can't process anything. Nothing has been helping. I wish I could just sleep peacefully but have been crying at night for a few days now...
There are days when you wish to end the pain before it ends you and then there are days when you can't think of anything.
But the people who don't give up easily have it really rough.
Don't even know what I'm typing. There's some level of dizziness when you cry too much, I guess.
I wish to heal soon because I can't try harder. Too tired to keep going. Pushing myself too hard but getting drained...
I wonder if I'm not here someday and people find this. Wish they don't:3
I feel stupid sometimes. For just existing and me being myself.
Today I wanted to write a letter to all the people I trusted before the right people came in and I couldn't handle. Couldn't trust myself or them.
I wanted to tell them what they had done to me and how much time it's taking for me to not hurt myself for how much I gave. For letting myself be with people...for just accepting the parts of me. I feel like a terrible person because of all of you and I don't think I deserve the people I have. And the worst part is that I had forgiven you long ago and now I have no one to blame it on..it hurts.
I just feel so stupid for trying...:)
Sometimes hurting yourself keeps you alive because at least it helps you know you're breathing, your body is still trying to keep you alive, you have a heart and you're allowed to feel the pain without thinking it's wrong to..
Might sleep now. Good night ✨
Probably saying it to myself but does it matter?
At least I've a teddy hehe
Hopefully, I'm able to distract myself through books tom without looking up
I hate feeling
@Stormandshelter This all sounds similar to my own thoughts and feelings or lack of. It all depends on the day
I wish there was something that could be said... some magical concoction of words that would pain the pain lessen for you.
Some days it does feel like too much to even breathe. We're so tired of the constant battles day in and day out. It's tiring to keep picking yourself up. Let me just lie here for a while and at least catch my breath.
I think it's good that you write and/or vent here. It's better than holding it all inside. Would it be better to call or text the therapist? I'm not really sure. They can be frustrating at times.
Do you find that you have moments where you feel everything or nothing? There is no in-between? All or nothing.
I hope you're able to get some sleep. Goodnight Storm
I'm sorry to hear that you feel the same way. It's definitely better typing it here or else I'm just messing up everyone's lives by being in it. I have these breakdowns and they get to handle it. I feel like a terrible human sometimes. At least, those people won't be here to see this. My therapists are nice but I don't share extreme thoughts with even them.
It does happen. A lot. They say you can't love someone if you don't love yourself but why do I destroy myself to keep them safe? I wonder sometimes.
I hope I'm able to get some sleep tonight. I haven't slept properly for a past few days
@Stormandshelter The lack of sleep always seems to make everything worse. I've always found it funny that people makes this declaration like it's never occurred to me that I need sleep
Haha I know.
Nothing helps except crying sometimes. I'm just usually too anxious to do anything else. If I don't lie down, there are chances of me harming myself in some way. I just slept crying but it worked. At least I survived the day.🤍
Thank you for your kindness. My therapists are nice. It's just me. I always struggled with sharing things specially the deepest wounds. I thought of journaling yesterday but then my emotions went all over the place and I lost control. Hopefully, I'm able to gain it back today.
@Stormandshelter Anxiety sucks. So does depression. There's all kinds of things that they tell you to try for anxiety but most of the time they don't work. I'm glad lying down helps you. And I'm really glad you survived the day. Sometimes we have to do whatever it takes to get through the day - through the moment. Night time always seems to worst at least for me
Thank you🤍
It definitely does. I feel as if I'm trapped in my own mind. It's very difficult to deal with it. Journaling doesn't help me because I find it difficult to keep up with it and I'm not honest in it. I always have a fear in the back of my mind that someone might read it and I'd not want other people to you know..be sad too. I'll find other ways, I guess.
I hope you're taking care of yourself as well. 🌻
@Stormandshelter I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It sounds incredibly tough, and I'm here to listen. Sometimes it helps to talk about what's going on or what might be causing these feelings. You're not alone, and it's okay to ask for help.
Thank you for offering help. I did consider it and I talked too but I'm in such a state of mind that I'm only bringing trouble in people's lives. Wish I could make it easier for them but guess I have to do it by myself. I have a therapist by my side..but I'm mostly feeling very alone. It's alright though. I'd better be alone than hurting my own people
@Stormandshelter I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It sounds incredibly tough, and I can understand why you might feel like you're a burden to others, even though I'm sure they care about you deeply and want to support you. It's great that you have a therapist, but feeling alone can still be really hard.
You don't have to go through this by yourself, even if it feels like the best way to avoid causing trouble for others. Sometimes, just sharing how you feel can make a difference. There are people here for you, and want to help in any way they can. Please remember that you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to be there for you, even in difficult times.
Would it help to talk more about what's been going on or what you're feeling?
Thank you for your kind words.
It's not that I never tried to receive help. I always did but unfortunately I have some attachment issues. I get so attached to people that once they leave me, I find it difficult to breathe.
And sometimes no one can help you, except you. At this point, I feel I will try. If I survive, it would be good and if I don't...I don't care that much anymore. I think I did everything I could and yet I'm here. My thoughts are so consistent that they never go away. They're so recurring that everyone gets tired of me. But the thing is that I get tired the most that none can see.
I'd rather keep my people away instead of drowning them along with me. And if I'm able to come up, I'd probably get back to them.
Right now, I'm causing all the trouble whenever I'm talking to someone. I'd say I'm even prone to end up getting attached to someone abusive. I know it. So, I think it would be safer to be alone because I've zero self - esteem.
Updates, I guess.
2/07/23
Today was slightly better but my eyes hurt from crying. Didn't have extreme sh thoughts thankfully. Refused to face something that I had to face but took the first step.
Didn't notice but I messed up the year and month too haha...well that says something
3/06/24
Updates.
So, I didn't have lot of extreme thoughts but they're still somewhere in the back of my mind. Sometimes it almost feels like I've given up already. A part of me wants to keep going but the other part wants me to give up on myself already because of how tired I'm. My whole body hurts. I have an extreme headache that didn't go away even after sleeping. I think the only thing that partly worked today was distracting myself but that has always been a temporary solution. At least I'm not focusing on my thoughts and feelings then. It's hard to keep going. A lot of thoughts come and go.. some are way too extreme to put here or anywhere. Hoping someday I don't feel this caged in my mind..