Please give me your opinions on my story…. Be honest, thank you.

My story: Tw: self harm, depression, manipulation.

I had a boyfriend of 2 years that i loved and still love with all my heart, he’s the man that I’ve ever loved more than anyone else, as soon as i met him, i fell in love with him, with his physical and wonderful kind heart and feelings, we started dating and everything was perfect, but his family kicked him out when they found out we were dating, so.. my mistakes start here.. when he was staying in another place suffering because of his family kicking him out, he had nobody but me and my family.. and i started to help him and dry his tears, and give him food and lots of love, but my mistake.. was that while he was gaming and barely speaking to me.. but being loyal to me, i was speaking to my ex (we had ended in good terms years ago so we had kind of an on/off friendship) about his problems and how he barely spoke to me, but that he was the man of my dreams, i was never unfaithful to my current boyfriend.. but my mistake was to lie and hide and erase messages from my ex.. even if i knew i was never doing anything, i still lied and erased.. and i blocked him but would end up unblocking my ex.. i never understood why.. so while my bf was out of his house going’s through so much.. i was talking to my ex.. and that’s what truly hurt my boyfriend’s heart.. you have no idea how many times i asked for forgiveness crying my eyes out, and he said he had forgiven me.. but that’s where he stopped loving me.. completely justified.. but never told me directly, he wanted to leave for the Us alone (giveaway) but i was so depressed (my grandma had died 4 months prior) and i always struggled with being clingy and depression, and i knew he was the love of my life and didn’t wanted to lose such a great man.. so i started saying how I didn’t wanted to live if he left.. and i would cry.. so he basically forced himself to love me and take me to the US with him.. we fought our way to the top, and i never abandoned him no matter how hard things became, i defended him against anyone including my own family.. i gave him everything i could and couldn’t, i was always there by his side through thick and thin loving him with all my heart, and we did so many things that showed each other love.. he gave me a ring and told me to marry him.. we would apologize mutually whenever we would hurt each other… but unlike him i never waited more than an hour to apologize.. but he told me that for 2 years he practically forced himself to love and be with me.. because he was afraid i’d *unalive* myself if he left me.. so without noticing i pretty much put a gun against his forehead.. because i would cry and sometimes cut myself to relieve the pain not to manipulate him, because i always told myself i rather feel physical pain rather than emotional pain, i did not know he was so miserable by my side.. i did not know he was living in agony and stopped loving me.. because i was selfish, narcissistic, stupid and childish.. thinking it was love and thinking we were destined to be together.. but all i did was to make him miserable and made him felt forced.. so on my birthday on August he broke up with me, and told me he had a woman of 4-5 months who he truly loved.. and that day he left with her and everyday since then he would come covered in hickies and was truly in love.. while i cried my eyes out every day because of the guilt.. and because of the damage i did to him.. he grew to hate and despise me and grew disgusted and tired of me.. because of my own actions…. So now, i cannot live with the guilt, with how stupid i was and still am.. i tried so so hard to fix things, to be a good and loving woman, to show him love and support and i gave him everything, my body, my soul, my love, my time and my money.. but it was never enough i guess.. so now.. i ask myself, do i really deserve forgiveness? Will God ever forgive me? Do i deserve that God and my ex boyfriend forgives me? Because I know i deserve this pain I’m going through, and he deserves the girl who he has because she actually makes him happy for real, and i am happy for him, but i am also destroyed because i lost a great man because of my actions.. and my attitude.. I don’t think i deserve happiness or forgiveness.. but do you think i do? I don’t think i can ever forgive myself.. specially when i still wish he’d return to me(is selfish of me i know) but i do not deserve him, and he does not deserve to be with someone as bad as me. Do you think i deserve God and his forgiveness and happiness?