Taking Stock Of Some Stuff
Not expecting replies, just really need to write some thoughts out into the ether. Lots of negativity on my mind, maybe seeing it written out will help in some way, maybe to provide clarity.
I miss my friend. We reconnected about 3 years ago after a 12+ year absence and then we suddenly stopped talking again after about 6 months. Feels like that's just the end of it. Bye my brother, I genuinely love you and I hope you're doing well.
I quit my job before the end of the year and I'm still unemployed. I've been vacillating wildly moment to moment between crisis-level depression and the other side where I try to devote my time to learning a skill that I can get a decent job with (might be turning out to be a fool's errand). Occasionally I feel "centered" and acknowledge my bad situation without breaking down over it. How do you earn respect from a boss if putting your nose to the grindstone for years can't get you past entry-level?
Those 2 issues are the heaviest things on my mind. I don't know why but I'm also going to mention this other thing and it's embarrassing
I always wanted a family of my own. Never even got close. My relationships felt like I was either being a huge inconvenience and wasting somebody's time or that I was being set up for a CARRIE-esque prank. I never feel relaxed or loved, I feel like the world wants me dead. Just being honest. That's how I feel on the topic of love haha. Even the skin on my hands changed to "old guy hands" and I still have nothing to my name. I've disappointed everyone including myself.
Lots of bad luck, lots of mistakes but there are positives. I may have quit drinking finally and I am keeping myself from spending what little money I have needlessly (although I could use more control at the grocery store). The days pass too fast so my daily goals are just trying to balance being productive, being kind to myself and of course trying to find some damn work.
@blueWillow6417 It sounds like you're carrying a heavy burden right now. Reconnecting with your friend and then having them disappear again must have been difficult. You're feeling let down and unsure of yourself after investing so much. Your job search has been discouraging, despite your best efforts. You're grappling with these challenges and expressing deep hurt around love and relationships. Please know you deserve understanding and support.
@blueWillow6417
I'm sorry youre going through these challenges. Hopefully you can find the support that you need.
@blueWillow6417
Feel free to reach out if you want to talk. Can't promise to solve anything, but I may be able to support you along the way.
Thanks everyone. It did feel nice to put some of these feelings out to sympathetic ears. Some food for thought. I might take you up on that offer walkabout, we'll see. Thanks again
@blueWillow6417 It's completely understandable to feel heavy, depressed. Remember, challenges, anxiety, depression, these are just temporary, and you have the strength to overcome them, I believe in you. Stay positive and focus on the solutions rather than dwelling on the negatives. Things will get better, and I'm here to support you through it all.
Some of that, I could've written...we might have a few things in common.
All I can tell you is that life rarely ever works out the way we imagine it when we're young. I never thought my life would take the direction--if it can be called a "direction"--that it did. If I had the chance, I would certainly do a few things differently the 2nd time around. From what I've seen & heard, a whole lot of people feel that way when they get to a certain age.
Yes, depression is a cruel b**** indeed.
Try to do what you must each day, & don't take life any more seriously than necessary.