Thrown my good life away and it’s my fault
I’m grateful for my life so far up to the point I accidentally did something that really gutted myself. I took some medicine for a minor issue that probably would have resolved on its own, and now it’s causing my hip issues and I wouldn’t be able to run again, maybe barely walk. Now everyday is pain after pain after pain, the moment painkillers pass it’s effects, I can’t do anything from this pain.
Before that I used to have a happy life, a goal to live for, I’m in university and doing ok in a somewhat prestigious program that I worked my entire elementary to high school life for, and all of it is coming undone because of my health issue. School is just too much for me now because I can’t even focus in class with the pain, and the sadness knowing that I would never be the same as my peers ever again.
I tried to blame something else for what happened but I know it’s all my fault and I loathe myself for it. I don’t know how to carry on
I cannot imagine the devastation and pain you must feel knowing that you may never be able to go back to a time where you didn’t have to cope with this heavy pain the physical consequences. Knowing that this condition is holding you back from fully experiencing an academic life you’ve worked so hard for is extra hard. I know this is something that is hard to process and to integrate in your life, but I hope that you give yourself kindness and compassion for what happened. A lot of other parties, such as your prescriber and regulatory agencies also play a role in the resulting consequences, but, at the same time, looking to blame something or someone or yourself is an expression of pain and an attempt to craft a narrative about a situation that you had no control over. If it was truly an example that you had control over and that you had the true clarity and understanding to make a better decision, then you would have made a different decision.
Finding ways to carry on in spite of the circumstances is a deeply personal journey. Some find meaning through the compassion that they feel now that they have suffered deeply. Some see their limitations as strengths rather than weaknesses—a sign of their determination. Others see meaning in defying expectations. Others move forward with new purpose and meaning in life in supporting others like them. What might ultimately resonate with you may require a desire to ask deeper questions and to confront grief and loss. In the meantime, whatever pushes you to continue, even if seems small or insignificant or even silly, is something to really hold onto. If it means living just for one more day, telling yourself to simply see what tomorrow might bring, and to hold onto that mantra until you arrive at a better place, then so be it.
