When home doesn't feel like home

Hii , are u having good time? i wish you do bcz i am not , lol right? but its ok i am just soo overwhelmed and stressed and maybe overthinking i don't know so i just came here to write my emotions and thoughts . It might look all of u that i am just dumping my emotional baggage so you can just skip or ignore it .. SO basically ,i have been in depression and have anxiety from long and now its getting more and more intense but good thing i started my therapy . so whenever someone fight in my family even if it doesn't not included me i get soo overwhelmed and anxious and i get soo many intrusive thoughts that i can't handle it etc ,and i don't even have energy to fight or argue with anyone ... i am even scared of noises .. me!!! the one who is loudspeaker of my home , ironical right? but yeh thats life ... so whenever my mom says *** or tries to argue or start a fight which is do all the time she just shouts and curses everyone no matter what and i try to speak calmly and respectfully but she can't accept even that and yesterday she and my lil bro started arguing they are raising their voice i am telling them to not fight , she don't listen to me and i used to it now so its ok so i am telling kana my lil bro to not fight and stay quiet and he do but she keeps poking him and saying mean things to him and me and they started arguing and fighting and i can't handle it .. i started crying so hard , so loud ,so scared , so tired and frustrated of everything of myself .. and guess what she does ..? if its other mom's they would have been looking their crying daughter but nah she is different she started cursing me and saying mean things to me that i am crying to get attention and that dad will wake up and fight with her bcz of me and thats what i am trying to do and i am crying as if there is no o.. and tbh now i want it but it isn't and i don't know weather to be happy or sad about it but its ok .. i am fine and then she just left me and went to another room and sleeping and u know i was crying but after 2 mins i had to force myself to not cry because " I DON'T WANNA BE THE REASON SHE AND DAD FIGHTS " so i stopped and rest in my room alone and hugged my pillow because i want cuddles and i need them but i don't have a human so pillow is only cuddler to me and i am listening to my music and resting .. i couldn't sleep bcz i am not able to now i am thinking and i am started getting insomnia cause i couldn't sleep from almost half of month or more ... and i started crying again crushing my face in pillow bcz i can't make noises and then finally after crying and letting everything out i finally relaxed a little .. I just have a ques , arn't parents supposed to make u feel loved and safe ? so why arn't mine? i mean why they make me feel like i am a burden or my lil bro is ? why i have to be the mom of my lil bro when he has one ... and why i don't have a mom? i mean i do have a women who is called my mom officialy but why she never felt like one ? why she loves everyone outside even my big brother but not me? why she thinks i am the reason of all the fights they had in home? why she always compare me to everyone? why she loves even the spoiled kids out there but not her own blood daugther ? why she can't see i am not able to sleep at nights and i just turn and turn or scroll almost half of night bcz i couldn't sleep? why she don't make me feel loved and protected? why she made me feel like burden and failure ? why she says her own daughter the meanest and cruelest things no one should ever say to anyone , why she always made me feel wonder why don't i have a big sister who understands me and make me feel like what true love looks like what motherly love looks like? why she made me feel jeleous to those kids who have sweetest mom who loves them and protect them ? why i had to be loving mother of my lil baby bro when i am her elder sister who is just 18 and struggling with my own mental health but she don't gave a *** .. why i had to go to find him and look for him yesterday night at 11 PM all alone , walking when he is out and not picking up phone while both of our parents act like they don't gave *** about it where one is sleeping and other is scrolling !! why i had to be his mom when i hate kids .. when i never want to be a mom in future because it scares me that i will be like her and ruin someone's life when she is the one whose words and actions made me feel like i have her genes i can't be anyone's mom in future or i will destroy their life so why i have to be his son's mom when she is alive and why her own daughter don't have a mom ... when i genuinely want one .... why her words and actions doing the same with my baby bro and i try my best to protect him but feels like i am failing even in this and that even how hard i try protect him so he won't be second me but i see him becoming another me and i just can't help and feel guilty that i am not even a good sister when i trying ,... i am trying soo much i swear i am but i just can' do anything and feel like a failure .... and wonder how different a person or a home can feel to different people where my big brother get all the love and everything i get nothing and he asks whats wrong with u , what should i tell him , that i want a mother but doesn't have any but its ok i am good all i imagine in my mind is telling them everything and maybe after it they will finally understand and change maybe but i can't in real life because i don't have courage so i am good .. its ok ...