don’t know what i’m feeling to be honest
hey everyone, hope you all are okay!
i need to be up in an hour, didn’t get a wink of sleep. i felt like basking in the peace of the solitude i have at nighttime. there’s no time like it and i find it sad how quickly it always seems to go by.
i just wanted to share how i’ve been feeling lately. years ago, back in grade school, i realize that i never associated myself with a clique or a crowd. i sort of floated around different groups and it was easy for me to get by, not being intimate with people but just getting by was easy, but i never really had a troupe. i wasn’t popular, i was constantly left out, very much forgotten a lot of the time. i easily blended into the background and yet i still somehow stood out sometimes. i often just felt unwanted and like i was burdening everyone there with my presence. and i had this feeling everywhere i went. i didn’t feel like i fit in with the nerds, nor with the popular crowd, or the rebel alternative kids, or the artists, or the athletes. i just didn’t belong to any group. and a few years later, still feeling this way. like i just don’t belong.
i think that’s the one thing that’s never left me, the feeling of not belonging. i don’t really know why or how that started, but even to this day, i don’t feel a sense of belonging anywhere. i feel like if i stick to one crowd there will always be something about me that makes me too different from the rest of the people there. i feel like i’m just too stupid sometimes, always have. i’ve often felt too ugly or different to be associated with a crowd, or like they never wanted me or needed me as much as i needed them. no matter what group it was, whether they were cool or rejects, i still didn’t feel like i could be with them. i think on a subconscious level i feel lesser than everyone else around me. it might have been because of how i was raised. but it feels like getting to the point where these feelings no longer affect me will take an entire lifetime or two. and i’m just another resident of planet earth, we’re all just logging into our phones or computers and using the same silly internet connection, going on the same browsers. i’m just another regular person just like the person reading this is. so why can’t i feel a sense of belonging?
@peaceandblessings
what you described is felt by far more people then you realize ..... what you said about grade school etc was same as i did ..........
now i feel same way not fitting but really i see it differently ....
i see groups even at work that stick together and i do not fit because simply i see something they do not ........many have become lemmings who believe everything they are told and never see the bigger picture.
I a long time ago .........thought i was not seeing what they were ............... then i saw NOPE they are staring at a wall as i look around the room .......
you can fake it for short times if you want to hang with the crowd but if you look and listen most likely you will see their clique is clueless.
hi toughtiger, thanks for your reply! that’s a nice way of seeing it differently. i think whats bad in my case is that i feel like there’s something wrong with me. and even if i see things that others don’t, i’m still below them somehow. like whatever is wrong with me is what causes me to never see things the same way another group would. not even those who i should call “family.”
@peaceandblessings
seeing things they don't is a blessing many times ...nothing is wrong with you.... you are not below them at all
I cannot tell you haw many times it comes in handy and people will say how did you know that or see the pitfall we all missed because i was not super focused on being the same and in the clique ....
I am sorry that you are struggling right now to get that sense of belonging. It can be tough to find.
What do you think belonging would feel like? What would make it appealing? Sometimes there are ways to belong without feeling total connection. I think that many people actually feel that way. There is also peace in belonging to yourself. @peaceandblessings
hi bestvase, thank you for your reply! i have no idea what belonging would feel like. but i imagine it would be appealing because you feel part of a tribe. humans are social beings and without one another, we’d instantly perish. no matter how individualistic our society may have become. and i’m almost certain i would feel more confident and strong if i had a tribe which i felt understood me completely. and even though it is nice to be at peace with your own self, it’s still so important to have deep and intimate connections that inspire you. and i have always lacked that type of connection. if i have had any, for some reason they always grow sour and end poorly and quickly.
I think that the more desperate you imagine your search for that connection outside of yourself, the more challenging it becomes to achieve it.
You are right that it is important, but those connections take time and change shape a lot. It starts within you. What kinds of things do you like to do?@peaceandblessings