had a massive crying episode over my ex before writing this

Just been really going through it you guys.. This month means so much to me now. Two years ago in december a life changing moment occurred. I post about him all the damn time and I just wish I could move on but I can’t. This is the time when a huge shift happened in our dynamic, I would deny it initially but he never did, of course until I finally stopped denying and then he left me because of how real our connection was and how afraid that had made him, that he ran into hiding and into a “normal, easy, simple” relationship.

He was the first person who had ever fallen in love with me and he was the first person I ever fell in love with. He had said to me early last year that he had waited since december of the previous year to tell me that he loves me. And I’ve just been thinking about that moment a lot. 

Him leaving me just really changed me, I mean I have truly not been the same since then and I don’t know what I can do anymore. He might not talk to me anymore and he might be with someone else now but I still wonder if he thinks about that moment and others the way I have. If he has ever felt regret for leaving so abruptly the way he did. 

What’s even weirder is how I saw his name randomly engraved in a desk at the library on campus just a few days ago, and I had never seen his name etched like that anywhere before, and never on these desks. And my friend who knew him had also had a weird dream with all of us together, but he had hurt my feelings in the dream like in real life. Just the timing of it all is so weird, how these events lined up perfectly with what occurred between us just two years ago, and the feelings we had both caught back then, and how our history still lingers throughout the little things, even if we’re different people now and it’s been 2 whole years.