heavy

I’m dreading having to go into work tmmro.. I start a new job and this isn’t my first one , not even my second in the last 2 months but with each one it gets harder and harder to pretend fake and smile . Depression is heavy it weighs me down so much, and I’m so emotionally tired but unfortunately I can’t stop. I’ve been trying to find jobs that I can at least do while still sad but that’s so hard these days while also still trying to build my career. I’ve been through so much this year, I graduated barely and made it out due to some events that led to my current emotional state . And it sucks because I realized I can never catch a break. Have to support my family, have to make them proud of which honestly I’m not doing so good at . They know nothing about depression and it isn’t something we discuss . The only reason they might’ve is because I ended up in the hospital right before graduation but after that life continued normally and it became kind of a secret again or untalked about. Still have to get up and contribute everyday. And now their are babies I have to babysit which is also difficult with how I feel. I guess I’ve learned to live with not having that kind of relationship with them but then when I am outside in social situations , I guess I carry that loneliness in my heart and it’s heavy .  My relationships with other people (outside of my family) are another big reason that led to the fall I had this year and the way I feel the way I feel currently , which makes it even harder to connect w new people and be “approachable” or open to others, especially when I’ve felt how cold the world can be , not knowing how ppl truly feel , I’ve felt and seen the nastiest sides of people and have learned how important it is to be kind to others because you never know who is on their last string.. unfortunately not many other people take on that same mentality so I always have to be on defense whenever I am outside , many people aren’t as warm and friendly . so to keep going back into it everyday , it feels like more blows to an already heavy heart . I’m expected to be presentable , approachable ,  I can barely get out of bed sometimes . While I am looking for remote work, I still need income in the meantime.. and being unemployed made me even more depressed . This is all to say, I don’t know how I’m going to have to do this 9-5 Monday through Friday when all I want to do most of the time is cry and watch Netflix lol. My depression isn’t often misinterpreted as me being mean or unfriendly and so that’s also a factor ... idk that’s all I wanted to say reallyx