lost messages.

hey this is a letter to someone that i won’t end up sending. i didn’t want it to be lost in my notes. i wanted it to exist somewhere. feel free to reply with any lost message of ur own.

i spent a long time alone battling all my thoughts. some days id be angry and bitter. others id be forgiving and understanding. i spent a while not acknowledging my own hurt caused by you. i didn’t think i deserved to feel it. i felt too guilty. too regretful. of all the hurt i’ve caused you. until one day….i starting thinking about it. i decided that there’s no way of moving forward if im ignoring my feelings. that just because i felt so remorseful over what i did…how it is so hard for me to forgive myself…it didn’t take away from my own hurt. thinking about it too hard hurt me. it pained me so much. i didn’t realize how much it affected me at first but it made me view everything differently. it was like everything was tainted. all the memories i had with u were ruined. it felt like it was all a lie. like if it was easy for u to pretend and lie to me for months-saying u loved me and cared for me and missed me while having so much resentment built up-who says the whole friendship wasn’t a lie? that u ever cared for me? that maybe u only stayed out of pity. that maybe u only saw me as his extension. i didn’t understand how u could care for me and willingly choose to lose me instead of talking to me. i didn’t understand how at the end, i had to be the one to come to u so you’d tell me. i believed our friendship was built on honesty-one small lie crumbled everything in my eyes. it felt like it was all a lie.

i don’t think that way anymore. i reread our texts all the time. texts from that night and even before that. at first it hurt. so much. i couldn’t cherish all the memories i read. they were all ruined for me. until one day.

i’m not sure what changed-maybe it was just time. but i reached a state of understanding you that i didn’t have before. i understood it before on some levels. but right now…i understand u fully. i got u on another level. i was able to acknowledge the hurt i felt, the hurt u felt, and accept that we both didn’t show up for eachother the way we needed. i was able to understand why u didn’t come to me-it didn’t make it right but i truly got it.

i’m sorry for what ive done. i don’t think there’s much i can do-i can’t change the past. i can’t change what id done then. i can’t change how my morals were months ago. i can’t erase the hurt ive caused you. i did change. long before u told me. once i realized how messed up i was-i changed. once u told me i reassessed myself and acknowledged that. u may not believe that-i don’t blame u. even if u do, it doesn’t take away from the fact that i had hurt u then and im sorry that nothing i can do could make it better.

im sorry that i had drained you. i was trying to cling to you when i felt u slipping away. i was trying not to take it personal everytime i’d get ignored or get one reply saying u loved me. but it was personal. i didn’t expect of u to tell me how depressed u were or how life was crushing u when i asked u how u were doing or if u were doing okay. id be worried sometimes. id want u to know i was here sometimes. id want to reconnect with u sometimes. it was never my intention to pressure u or suffocate you. i had just missed my friend. i was so afraid of losing you that i didn’t realize how suffocating that must’ve felt. you were never wrong for needing space or room or for pulling away. u only needed to breathe and i only made that harder for u.

i think a lot was broken between us. i never really knew if i should reach out or not. will it do more harm than good? i’m not sure. i hope you’re doing okay. even if im not there to witness it. i love you and i always will.