posting…again

i just posted yesterday..i’m sorry if it’s too much. i just don’t know what to say and knowing that someone may read this instead of no one at all feels better. i hope my words make someone feel less alone.

i stopped seeing a future for myself last year. i’m not sure when it happened..or why. but it was like i woke up and it vanished. everything did. when i thought of my future i didn’t see anything. i still don’t. it’s like a blank canvas where nothing can be painted on. i thought it would get better but…it’s almost been a year. i remember last year not thinking id make it to the end of the year. not because id hurt myself. i just genuinely didn’t see myself surviving that long. and when i was still alive…i was surprised because i didnt see it coming. and now. now i wish i could say that i feel different. i wish i could say that i feel better. i wish i could say that i helped myself. but i didn’t. i’ve been in this state for so long. the days blur into one another. i don’t know what’s real and what’s not. everything seems to be moving so slow yet so fast. i lost passion and purpose in life. i don’t enjoy doing anything. i dread waking up. i never want to leave my bed. i’m barely taking care of myself. i feel nothing. i was hoping me writing this now would trigger some emotion but right now…im so numb. yesterday i was filled with pain and sadness and guilt. but today…nothing. i guess that’s depression. thank u for reading if u did. i just needed to let this out somewhere.