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what is wrong with me. i cannot bear this pain anymore. i want to sleep for an entire week. i need sleep. but sleep has ruined my life up to this point. my brain is anywhere except the present. i’m screaming for it to help me to fix me but i won’t. i feel like ive been possessed by a spirit that wants me to fail. its something that hates me and wants to see me suffer. i cant bear my past i need to go back in time and save myself when i could have i dont know how im going to keep living with these experiences thar i feel nothing but regret towards. i dont know how to move on.. im marked by this and i literally cant move on. i cant find a way out. i hate myself and i dont know why i hate myself so much. i know exactly what i need to do to stop being so terrible and i know what i need to cut out of my life but i haven’t. i don’t know why i haven’t. i just don’t understand and i don’t know. i don’t understand at all why this is happening to me. all i want to do is feel proud of myself. i just want to get one thing right. all i do is a stupid action after stupid action. im a genius. i am so intelligent. i can do things people only dream of, some are incapable of dreaming them. i’m amazing. i hate myself and i can’t stop ripping pieces of myself off to become worse and worse and i keep letting everyone down and now i just become a joke. im a joke to myself. im disappointed in myself constantly and i f***** hate it. i want to fight my past self and everyone else in my past who turned me into this being i dont recognize nor understand. i will never understand myself. it hurts horribly. i break my own heart. what made me want to break my heart is all i want to know. there is absolutely nobody in the world who i can talk to about this. i need sleep but sleep has destroyed my entire life. it has turned me into everything i wanted to never become. i can’t deal with this i refuse to be this person. i need sleep but i need change instantly. i will just try again tonorrow. please pray for me i need to change. i just cant be this way no longer im so sick of it. the regret is so painful. i need a long real hug and theres nowhere i can get that .why did i care so much in the past. there are not enough hours in the day for me to recover. i just cant move at the speed everything else is. i cant keep up. i always muted myself to let everyone else take my spot. i have never let myself feel genuine pleasure. i have always thought of someone else before deciding something. i dont know what to do. i have been so quiet for too long. i dont know how to act or do anything anymore. i literally feel like a ghost. i don’t understand why i make myself so invisible.
@peaceandblessings Welcome to 7Cups and thank you for reaching out and sharing how you are feeling, Peace. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It sounds like you're carrying a heavy burden of painful experiences, regret, and self-criticism. Please know that you are not defined by your past or what others have done - you are worthy and deserving of compassion.
I get how distressed you are feeling and how overwhelmed you seem with regret and feelings of being stuck. It sounds like you have spent a lot of time putting others first and muting your own needs, and are now struggling with how to start meeting those needs. I understand why you would feel like a ghost and invisible, and that recovering and making changes can feel difficult to keep up with. You matter and your feelings and experiences are valid.
Perhaps you may join us in the Depression Support Chat and share more. I hope it helps you process trauma and find ways of practicing self-love. You are not alone in this. We are all here with you to listen to and support.