My personal struggle with depression. Share your story struggling with depression here! All welcome

I've had depression a long time without realizing it. I tended to explain away the dark feelings by what had triggered it that time. Like 'I just don't like school right now' or 'I'm just unhappy with my relationship right now' or later 'This job just isn't for me' and my answer was always 'It will get better when...'. This meant that I was constantly searching for something else to make me happy, without addressing the real issue which was my depression and a deep level of self-loathing. Realizing this allowed me to actually start to get a handle on the problem.

Hey, I m Lyn.

I really don t know if I m depressed or not, maybe I m just overreacting but it feels like there is something wrong with me. I don t want to be one of this kids, running around, showing everyone their scars and acting depressed because they think it is a lifestyle. And maye that s my problem.

It all started when I was 12. I wasn t very depressed at all but I had a lot of discussions with my parents about unimportant things. Arguments always made me feel bad and i was always so afraid to hurt anyone, so I started to hurt myself. I always cut my arm before I could say anything mean. And it worked.
Nobody saw it and I persuaded myself of the fact, that this was good but in reality I wanted someone to see it. That never happened.

I became older, i changed school and at the start everything looked good. Neverthless it changed. I had a friend, she was a nice girl but she said so many mean things i couldn t bear. I was so afraid that if i "left" her I would be alone that i stayed with her in this unhealty friendshio that made me sad.

Then the next year i found new friends. They were amanzing, absolutely amanzing and the first time after 3 years everything was perfekt. I was so happy and this happyness stayed almost a half year. However the black hole came back, idk why. I learnd to know a boy, he was also an asshole (yes, maybe i have a problem with all these mean people around me) and i was so in love with him but he also treated me like crap. I got problems with all these great friends i have, because..i have to many friends. In my life I was always afraid to be alone, so I am nice to absolutely everyone and maybe they thought I didn t wnat them anymore. I don t know it.

So my problem is that I can t show my sadness. If you would see me at the street, you would never think that I m depressed because I smile a lot but in reality it hurts so much. I can t talk to anyone, I don t want to bother them and all these feelings are inside me and I can t let them out.

Hey there everyone. You all can call me Melon or Mellie. I don't know where to 'begin'. Whenever I look back on my childhood (which wasn't too long ago; I'm barely a teenager) I don't really recall memories. I recall feelings. A lot of my childhood had me feeling empty and sad inside. It's still the same today. I feel like it's been there my entire life. Like another weight chained around my ankle. I'm the oldest child and take care of my siblings so thats why I never really looked at these emotions more. My parents are affectionate, but it's not really enough for me. They are really controlling so I actually never really had some opinions or my own morale set until 2 years ago. It was 2 years ago when my parents got mad at me. I had a best friend, and for once I was opening up and saying what I thought and felt after years of torment keeping them inside and letting them stew. She accepted me. Depression and anxiety seemed the closest to what I felt. Later that night, my parent read our conversations and were mad. My phone was taken away and they restricted me from going out even more. Which meant school and back. I didn't do any sports and was kinda felt fat. My doctor assured and said I was just tall. It didn't really help and I judged myself really harshly. And because I didn't have the privalages of going out with my friends, before and after the situation I kept more to myself and that's kinda when some dark thoughts appeared. It's not like I was preoccupied with too much. And I nutured them. They came in voices. They sounded just like me. But crueler and meaner. All except one. It was really nice sounding. But it was devious. The others would whisper mean truths about me, but this one would be gentle in saying these things and I would believe it so much more than the others. Eventually I became that voice. Super soft spoken. And after not really interacting with my peers I matured faster than them and didn't really connect with them. I was basically turning into me. Cynical, slightly Nilihilistic, sarcastic and right on the path to Pessimum. This was also the time i developed Social anxiety. It was great. I became even more angry. At myself, the world, my parents, and everyone. But I took theater and acted. I acted so well, and I was smart enough to realize that I was not normal and no one else was going through the same thing and acted my way through life. Then I met my best friend. She had the same kind of thoughts that I had and I never felt more at home. Even with my other friends who liked to read. She liked to read too, but not as much as I did. She prefered art and art was okay to me. I liked to read to drown out problems in life and become someone else. Even for just a while. It helped. Just like music did too. But a couple months later she told me that she went to the doctors and they told her that she had depression. It was a day for both of us. She knew that I was probably depressed too, and encouraged me to talk. She told me that my parents would care. No. They care, but I wouldn't. As I said, I was a smart kid, and knew that there was a name for what I 'had'. I found depression and anxiety. I struggled for weeks with the weight of this information. Eventually I told them. They were angry at me. They thought that I had no reason to be depressed. I was relatively healthy, I lived in a rich town, and I got things that I wanted. There was no reason. And because of that I was not going to tell them that again. So I talked to the guidence consuelers. They helped a lot. One day I admited that I had suicidal thoughts. I had cut a bit but I didn't tell them that. My parents were called in. While my mom was in my school she looked concerned and caring. The minute we got home, she was angry. That I didn't tell her all of the things that I told the conselers. I was yelled at, which I hated and kinda caused all of my self eesteem and self image problems. We went to the ER, and they told me that I should see someone. This person reccomended me to see a thearpist. My parents didn't take me there. Our agreement is that if I feel bad, I go and tell them. I've kept that agreement, and honestly I hate myself more and more each day for it, because it just means I need to stuff it inside. It doesn't help. I just angrier and angrier, and honestly it all just comes out as sadness and tears. That's my story. Of me, Melon or Mellie the young girl, lost. But at least I have my hobbies. Volleyball, Reading, Music, History, and Writing. Hope it makes someone else less alone. Bye.

Am really depressed. My dad is trying to have sex with me but it didn't happen.I've been feeling insecure for months. I get aroused from sleep with the feeling of someone touching me in appropriate places,when I turn or get up,he would run. I haven't been able to catch him red-handed. I keep telling my mum,but she's also tired of hearing it,its like she doesn't believe me. After all his unsuccessful attempts,he started treating me like crap and would complain about every single thing i do. He is trying to make my mum hate me so she wont believe everything i say.i cry everyday.I need help please

I dont know if I would call whats going on with me depression. Its a bit of a complicated weave. But the end result is a general draining of my will and joy making the world a harsh gray place. I am going to start the story here and if its not the right place I do apologize.

See, I was really looking forward to going to the beach this weekend. It was a rare event where I planned ahead and got everything in order. After a week and a half of rain and cold the weather report for this weekend was... perfect. 90 degree days with sun and light winds. I was able to snag a hotel close to the beach. I got my laundry done ahead of time. I even swung by the store on friday to pick up some corn and hot dog. Everything was lining up.

Then she saw me walking on the grass and it was all over.

I live with, and love, someone with OCD. She refused to get treatment, and refuses to take medication. Her obsession have been slowly getting worse. Slowly pushing out anything that could be called a life. Its slowly killing me.

And I know that I am the problem here. At least in that I could just leave. Were not married (she afraid her family will intrude in her life if she get married) have no children (you have to have sex for children), there is nothing holding me in this situation. Hell, theres not even a good reason for me to stay. I just cant leave.

I tell myself all these reason why I can. It too expensive to move out of the house She cant hold down a job to support herself, Id literally be killing her Its too late to start over, you're too old. I logically I can see the flaws in these arguement but I just can manage to muster up the will to overcome them emotionally.

I think it all comes down to a fear that no one will ever love me if I leave. Because there are good times. There are time that she makes me feel loved. There are times laying by the fireplace with her in my arm and I just feel at peace. And I am afraid I will never have that again. Honestly I dont really like myself and Im afraid to be left alone with me.

Again logically I can see the flaw in that. Im not a bad guy. I can hold a decent conversation, generally kind, and not physically or deformed. But deep down, emotionally, I just believe that I am fundamentally wrong. I could not tell you what this wrongness is, but I feel it. I am hyper-vigilant looking for signs that other people have detected this wrongness in me. When I think I see it, an aversion in eyes, a awkward pause, any minor social cue, I withdraw. I dont want to force myself on other, force them to endure my wrongness. It feels cruel to make people be around me when I am so... tained.

She doesnt make this feeling of wrongness any better. I can never do things right. I am always running afoul of some ritual and the resulting rage is intense and very long lived. Today she saw me waking in a place that geese had been walking. A place that could potentially contain poop. So the beach trip was canceled and she will probably not speak to me for half a week. Eventually she will let me apologize. I will fall on my sword saying that I am sorry for the pain I cause her by walking in a place she didnt like. Only after I have apologized three or four times absorbing all the insults and rage she directs at me in that process will she accept it. Then she will end it it with a Fine, maybe I over reacted a little. and consider that the end of the story.

The whole thing leaves me feeling broke and small. A helpless pawn in a world that just want to hurt me because of some sin of mine that I dont even understand.

I would say I dont know what to do. But I do. Leave. Find a stable situation to rebuild. Just go to the beach and if she upset she can stay home. I know the solution. I just can implement it.

A its this inability to act that makes me feel worst of all. See you really are wrong, a voice says inside of me A real person would fix this situation instead of just pouting like a child. Its the power that my self hate gains from these pointless OCD battles that breaks me worst of all.

My life's been a mess and most days I barely know what's going on anymore. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I want to be happy again. My boyfriend is amazing and supportive but it's not anything he can really fix. I just want to feel okay. I've been going through are really. The sad part is no one sees it and I don't know how to tell them without putting myself through the ringer. I've been having repetitive dreams about work every night. Its driving me nuts.

My struggle with depression began I think like when I was 15. My mom was seldom at home. And when she came back was in a terrible mood (Because of marital problems for what I know) and she vas very critical and ask too much of us (We are four siblings) and then after I graduated my dad died. And I didn't fit with my classmates and also I don't know what to do for life. I have few motivation. I try my best... But it's like nothing works out right now. So... I had a crisis last year. I didn't want to do anything at all. I almost didn't get out of my house. I was so sad and hopeless. And wonder if it's starting again...

I am 25 years old and a doctor. Ive recently started working in an academic role which has a fair share of prestige. I have done everything 'right' my whole life, got good grades at school, Ive got a great family and have built up my CV well.

But I am deeply unhappy. I cant put my finger on why. Ive always considered myself an introvert, I feel very uncomfortable with social interaction, to the point where I worry about being percieved to be boring, stupid and shy so much that I usually just stay silent

I dont feel like I have any real friends, I tend to rely on people. If I find one person who seems to like me I cling to them until I push them away

Im constantly comparing myself to others and there's a self critical loop in my head that I can just never turn off.

To be depressed for the majority of my life so far, it is difficult to think back to a time where I was happy. When you do find that memory, you question yourself if it was the real you, or the one that is acting it to show others. I wasn't really diagnosed until my early teens to mid-teens, but during my early 20s, a Psychologist told me that my depression originated from before I was 10 (based on things that happened as a kid).

Even now, my laughter and smile are so short-term, that when it disappears again, you feel even more sad afterwards. Angry that it was so short-term and confused if it was real or not. I feel that being depressed, lonely, and sad for so long, that it feels very awkward when I'm laughing or smiling or having a good time. It doesn't feel "normal" because my norm, for the longest time, revolved around depression and nothing about depression is pleasant.

The only thing I like about it, is being observant of people around me and being alert of my surroundings. And having gone through so much, in so little time, I tend to see things on a deeper level than the average being. I remember when I went to a group therapy about 7 years ago, when we shared our past, and gave each other our perspectives; there had been many incidents where the other person told me that my words were so insightful and that it's not something that they would have thought of. (And I was the youngest of the group back then, they were all either ages of parents or early grandparents, at least a 20 year gap)!~

I usually know my triggers, but I have endometriosis hyperplasia (heavy bleed and hormonal imbalance) and with my hormones all over the charts, I will instantly get heavily depressed and restless for no reason.

One moment I feel good and productive, and the next I struggle to get out of bed.