One word I'd use to describe my depression is.....

Swallowing

I hate men; but I hate women more than them; but the truth is: I hate myself more than whoever

hate

emptiness.

sneaky

Exhausting

Lonely

SCARY

winning

Temporary ... "this to will pass" has a great impact on my depression. I've had issues before and worked my ads off to recover from bulimia, manic episodes and deep bouts of depression. I've struggled with suicidality for about 3 quarters of my adult life. Maintaining self care was number 1 for along time, even while I struggled with depression ... it got easier to manage... more capable to work through my eating disorder issues to the point they didn't serve a function anymore because I built so many ways to cope with stress, anxiety and depression in healthy ways. Almost 2 years fully recovered from engaging in bulimic behaviors and still find my strenght accessible even though today I struggle feeling depressed due to a year of being battered emotionally from a fwb relationship that turned into love but we were too f*ED up to fix our dynamic to really make the relationship work in a healthy way... it didn't end too bloody, but the pain is still there... there's a lot of it to be honest. I have to grieve a little bit, but also keep in mind the more constructive points I can still take away from it. We are neighbors so seeing eachother frequently is inevitable ... we cut eachother off for what's best for ourselves individually. It had gotten very toxic and both felt so much guilt bc we still do/did genuinely care. But moving on and letting go is this path I am beginning to grow with and find refuge in... connecting with myself again