Afraid of happiness
Ive been depressed for so long I no longer know what its like to feel something more than numb and empty. Nor do I seek any happy feeling anymore.
Even in the rare times where I do feel genuine calm...I feel so scared and just...small. I become hyperaware of how fragile and alone I am. And how that flash of happiness is for sure extremely brief. I feel like being happy is somehow even more exhausting than being sad.
Right now Im just still living because Im afraid to know whats beyond death. Theres really no other reason.
@Hydrangea03 That makes sense. If you have been depressed for a really long time, then happiness might feel strange, unusual, or even uncomfortable. Also, feeling the contrast between joy and depression can be really painful. Sometimes, people prefer for their mood not to change, because the feeling of the negative change itself is so painful.