After the Harvest
For the first time in my life, I dread the arrival of Autumn. I was always captivated by this season, I felt it was a time of year specially created for my melancholic nature. The crispy sounds under my shoes while walking through the park. Quiet fall of raindrops, warm breeze, pockets full of chestnuts. Taste of sweet apples, shy sunlight, the sway of trees' branches. The whole world in bright yellows and oranges, and deep reds, like a beautiful secret known only to me.
It's heartbreaking that I cannot feel it anymore. The magic was replaced by anxiety and morbid thoughts. I feel terrified with an upcoming return to university. I sank deeper and deeper into the pure darkness. This week I almost give up, letting my brain to hurt myself irreversibly. Somehow I managed to reach out and for the first time in my life, I told the whole truth.
I cried and cried until I felt empty, and then I cried some more because my despair doesn't have boundaries. I let others support me, I haven't refused their help. I was brutally honest with my family, doctor and friends, and this act alone set me free. I don't have to pretend even in the slightest way that living is easy for me. Instead, I can use this energy to empower myself, to come up with plans on how to accomplish things I care about. I speak clearly about my struggles, I informed the faculty. I don't want to hide anymore. I deserve a better life for myself.
My love for Autumn was devoured by depression, but I refuse to let it devour myself. I won't limit myself to the depth of the abyss. I can live a fulfilling, loving life. I can breathe and read, and I accept that it will be a hard life. I can be in pain, but I don't have to suffer. I choose to act. I choose to learn how to love Autumn again.
I feel like I empathise with you a lot, but it's a bit different for me because I dread Autumn and Winter every single year.
People always speak so romantically about Autumn and I have never felt that way. To me this is a very lonely and cold time, also the time of year where I struggle most to keep myself together.
Reading your pieces are always so inspiring because you take a bad time and turn it around into something powerful and positive, and maybe even beautiful. In a way I feel as if I am using your words to try and change the way I see the world. You truly are a guiding light in this community.
Your depression may cause you a lot of hurt but you never let it destroy your beautiful heart and soul.
I hope you can learn to love Autumn again. You deserve to feel joy. I hope you know that I am always here cheering you on in the hopes that you will get through your struggles and find the path to a happy and fulfilling life.
*hug* May you tomorrows always be better than your yesterdays.
@discreetAcres6234, I can understand where are you coming from. Autumn can be dark and lonely, without sunshine, without encouragement to discover the world. It is a moody time, and not everyone will favour it. I think that's why the year have 365 days - each one distinctive and marvelous on its own way. We can choose from them which hours to love, which to discard, and we don't have to worry about appreciating them rightly. There is always a new chance after year's passing.
Would you like to tell me what is your favourite season? I'm curious about it ^^;
Thank you for the support. You took your time to write so many lovely and encouraging words I feel bit at loss how to show gratitude. And the line "May you tomorrows always be better than your yesterdays" is one of the kindest wishes I received. I will hold to them tightly. Thank you, really.
*hugs*
I remain hopeful that there will come a time when these dark times are no longer filled with darkness but are replaced with happiness, fun, comfort, and companionship.
I would love to tell you my favourite season :) I'm always willing to ease curious minds. I love summer. I guess that's why I'm so sad it's over now. I just love feeling the warmth and the sun on my skin, it makes me feel alive and energised. I love taking walks in summer in order to soak up all the life and energy the sun gives me before the dark times come to make it cold again. There is just something about summer that makes me feel some sort of happiness. I know it's an unpopular opinion because everyone hates the heat and the sweating but I would take brightness and heat over cold and bleak any day.
You truly move me with your words and your journey, I will always be supportive. And something as simple as a thank you or a reply of any sort is enough gratitude for me. I don't expect anything from you at all. The fact that you actually take the time to reply to me makes me feel noticed and I appreciate your kindness just as much as you appreciate mine.
*more hugs*
Lovely, you are so lovely, did you know that, lovely? ^^
Ah, yes, the end of summer. It's bittersweet, @discreetAcres6234, isn't it? Metaphor of freedom's end. Kids forced to go back to school. Not warm, but not cold yet. The wind's getting stronger and wilder. And every day sun is hiding faster, and faster over the horizon, as if it was tired after months of hard working. I share your sentiment in some way. We are literally preparing ourselves for darkness - at least in northern hemisphere ^^;
Sending you lots of love, darling!
Oh @Celaeno, you really have a way with words. You're making me blush :) You are very lovely also, do people tell you that enough? Doesn't matter, no one should ever stop telling you how lovely and valuable you are.
The sun is already setting earlier than before. The darkness is coming quicker. Soon we'll have to change the clocks again and then we will be in complete darkness for most of the day. In a way I'm not dreading the dark times so much this year, I'm moving away and starting my first year of university so there is slight optimism in the mix too. Maybe I'll find people to make this dark time less dark and lonely while I'm there.
Sending love to you also, my dear!
Your writings leave me grasping to find the right words as usual. You inspire me, sweet Celaeno. I'm glad you reached out. I felt a huge void when you weren't around that week and I can't bring myself to think about any length longer than that.
@ValentineLove, your support is invaluable for me. You are my chosen companion for the time of recovery journey.
It is so much easier when you are around. Thank you. Thank you, dearest.
I would love to walk with you while we both begin the journey to recovery. It would be an honor.
❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Don't know why, but I suddenly remember a scene of LOTR movie ^^;
@celaeno
Your way with words amazes me. I don't know what else to say.
I am so thankful that you reached out for help for yourself. You deserve it.
Thank you for helping me so much. Thank you for helping me to get help.
@Solitaryshadow, I'm so happy to hear that! There is nothing better than knowing you were brave and inspired to seek help you fully deserved.
I am thankful that you are here, lovely.
I'm pretty speechless by the display of shining bravery I see in front of me right now. It's wise, beautiful, wonderful souls like you that light the way for many amongst the darkness. It's the strength in your heart that keeps you going, despite whatever may attempt to throw you offcourse. It's the determination of yours that makes others smile, not just because of how amazing it is, but because of what an inspiration it is also.
You deserve nothing but the best in life and I wish with all my heart that you get that. Until then, may the positive side of each day shine its warmth against you and bring you new hope with every dawn. You are so strong, so loved and so important. No matter what difficulties you face, I know you can do this.
This gif pretty much speaks for itself. (The hug is included... multiplied by 7654378291)
@ZaraSmiles, thank you, thank you, thank you!
I will save your words and read them to myself in times of doubt. I'm so grateful you took your time to write such an amazing reply. You are inspiration to me, actively participating in forums with such caring and optimistic demeanor it is impossible not to smile. My lovely, you are so lovely!
*hugs*
Amazing writing. Awesome as usual :D
Thank you, @NewRomantic677; you're too kind ^^
I hope you have a wonderful day!
This is utterly beautiful. Thank you so much for posting it.
Thank you, @Essieluvsu, for such wonderful words. I really appreciate it.
Best wishes, lovely!