Am I even depressed?
Sometimes I dont even know if I have depression. I dont know why Im so concerned with labeling it, but its been giving me anxiety. I google the symptoms, and it says that theyre constant, but mine last for one or two days and then Im okay again and then Im back to not feeling okay. I dont know what triggers the bad moods; just out of nowhere I feel nothing and hopeless, and I dont want to get out of bed. My therapist already ruled out bipolar disorder. Is this all just something Im making up in my head? Is it normal to have feelings of okay/happiness every now and then only to have it disappear? Some days I really feel like Im okay, but then the next day Ill wake up with this gray cloud everywhere. Its like Im waiting for someone to say, you have depression. Like some kind of validation that Im feeling this way. Because if its not depression, then what is this feeling?
I also feel this dissonance within myself. Like I want to get better, and I obviously reached out for help, but at the same time its comforting to feel that depression. Like it makes me just want to stay in that and not get better. That sounds crazy because of course I want to get better, and I shouldnt feel this way, yet here I am.
@turquoiseClementine1750 Depression can come in so many different forms and types, and I think it's important to note that someone doesn't have to be feeling not okay 100% of the time in order to classify as depressed. Usually it's just "most days most of the time", not every moment. It's absolutely normal to have okay moments, even downright happy moments, if the majority of the time you don't feel that way, it could still be considered depression. But you know, I think regardless of the word used to describe what you're going through, it's important to recognize that you are going through it. Even if it's not the majority for you, it is still there. You're having a tough time sometimes, you're having these low feelings and sometimes have difficulty getting yourself to do things. That's what really matters, I think. You deserve to feel better and to be able to manage these feelings when they come up. If having a word to describe it, such as 'depression', is important to you, maybe that could be something to talk to your therapist about. Together you could figure out a good way to describe it, some way to be able to simply say "this is what I'm going through", perhaps something like 'atypical depression'.
About your last point...I don't think I could say this enough, it's absolutely normal to feel that way. Of course no one wants to feel awful, and we want to get better, but at the same time, feeling sad can be comfortable and familiar, and it's hard to want to leave what's familiar. We know what it's like to feel like this, and even though it's not really nice, it's still what we know. Sometimes we even feel, "if I'm not like this, then what am I?" if it's become so normal to us that it feels a part of us, like it's just who we are. And it's hard to let go of that. That's definitely definitely a normal feeling to have.
@turquoiseClementine1750
I want to see you happy all the time that isn't always possible though. I'm here for you through everything if you need a friend I'm here. I suffer with depression. If you want to know if you have depression I recommend seeing a doctor and if you have depression, find and Learn ways to cope with it. Your therapist can help with that. They may want you on medicine . That isn't always a bad things never is. They are meant to help you. I would go see a doctor to see if you do. If you have depression it is hard to deal with but isn't impossible to either. It takes work. I hope for the best for you. Remember we are all here.
