A rant or vent

Hello everyone I am pretty new to 7 cups and this is one of my first times making a thread. I recently have had my father pass away and it’s been so hard to find motivation to continue work and school. This was my biological father who was in and out of jail my whole life and I kind of barely even knew him. His death was something that really hurt me which I didn’t think it would. I attended the funeral and had so many people tell me I looked like him or I saw a slideshow of him at the services and he looked like he was so happy and everyone who knew him said he was a great person deep down. I have grown up with people who have went to jail but know they are great people so this wasn’t hard to believe to me. It was just hard because I never gave him the time of day and now it will never be possible for me to know my real father. I feel so guilty because he has tried to reach out to me before and I was scared of him leaving to jail and hurting me like before. I don’t know anymore everyone says it’s not my fault but it’s also not his. This last time he came out of jail he had been out for a while and I still didn’t give him the chance. I will always think about what would’ve happened if I did. Would he still be here? How would the relationship have turned out? I don’t know and I am sad I won’t ever be able to know.