Depression kills me

Hello. My name is Michaela. Since I was a child, I was always very dreamy a felt everything more intensively. When I was 12 or so, for the first time I experienced anxiety. Back then I didn't know what that was and my mum thought I am simulating. This anxiety came from a lot of things - classmates bullied me for being different, my family got into lots of arguments and my self-confidence was very low from what I can remember. Even though I tried to be optimistic, at high school everything changed. I lost some of my friends and although I tried to be optimistic, I started to lose strength. Currently I am dealing with a cocktail of negative emotions. I have difficulty sleep. I am in a relationship and I blame myself for being this unhappy. I overthink a lit and look ak situations very negatively. Sometimes I even think about making everything come into an end... But at the same time I do not want to. I feel like my head will explode because there are always some thoughts. Especially negative ones. And they really affect my relationships and things that I love to do. As time goes, everything becomes more difficult. I cannot find joy in activities that I used to love. My life becomes bland, sad and dull. Even now, I am trying to get myself to sleep, but I couldn't. But although I tried so many times, I believe that one day something will change. I believe in all of us, who are struggling. It is good to know we are not alone in this and that we can share our experience. We can help each other. We are strong.