Different Birthday
As usual, I had started feeling depressed about a month before my birthday. When yesterday, I suddenly realized that this year's birthday is different. As year 2023, the year '23 is the same number as my birthdate. Which when I think about it, is like a once in a lifetime coincidence. Earlier in the month, I was told by my parents that they won't be able to celebrate with me on the day of my birthday, as they had to have dinner with their friends, as it's a special dinner to start the Chinese New Year off. I was told my family would have to celebrate with me a day earlier. So, I was saddened then. As a family tradition, we always celebrated on the day of our birthdays. Early this week, I was told their plans changed. So now, as a family, we'll be able to celebrate back on the same day.
Secondly, I finally had some one-on-one opportunity, to chat with my mum today. We sat in a coffee shop over lunch and she voiced her concerns and worries about me. From what we talked about, one of her friend wants to introduce me to a couple of guys, that are around my age (mid-30s). One of them is the best friend of the friend's daughter's fiance, and the other is a colleague or something. But my mum say that she will tell her friend about my interest at least a couple of months from now. She says, and I agree, that I'll need to make some changes in myself first. So, in these couple of months, it will be a time of change. Personal growth in all aspects. Work, appearance, attire, and filling in on more knowledge and everyday life trends (so we have more topics to talk about). My mum says she was shown a picture of the guy, and said he looked outdoorsy. I used to be a Scouter, so I had done a lot of camping and hiking, but that was about 20 years ago. Ever since Covid though, I haven't really been out of the house. I used to take walks around my neighbourhood. As I lived on a hill, it was a lot of slope walking. Nowadays though, I hardly get out of the house, let alone, go on walks. So, I either might need to take up walking again (but it's raining a lot this month), or do some form of exercise. The friend suggested that when the weather warms up, that she could set up hikes for us. Along with her daughter + fiance, and his best friend. So I have until the weather warms up, to make changes on myself. So, I'm guessing at least until Spring?
Anyways, for some reason, my usual birthday depression doesn't seem to be as bad as the years before. So, I hope this new year will be a good year for me. It's also been a long time since my birthday lands in the same week as Chinese New Years. So, that might be a good sign as well. There are some dreams I want to achieve before I turn 40, and for once, I feel that there may be a chance that it would happen!~
@Jaeteuk
That is a very cool coincidence! That’s so nice that your family’s plans were able to chance, so now you can all celebrate your special day together.
Having a little coffee date with your mom sounds so lovely. Especially, since you were able to talk about some personal growth plans. Sometimes it can be hard to hear, but it is nice that you were open to it. It seems you have such a nice relationship with each other!
Also, it appears that this year is off to a great start. I hope it continues and you have a great one!💜
@innateJoy9602
Thank you, Joy! Actually, the relationship with my mum had always been on the edge. This is the first time that we were able to sit down and listen to each other for more than an hour. Otherwise, we hardly ever talk. Makes me think, maybe I'm more receptive when the environment we chat in is not at home.
Yes, I'm hoping this year will be a good year for me too!~
You are headed a good direction and I am glad that your birthday feels like it might be happier this year.
Exercise is an excellent idea but not because of any relationship to physical appearance. It just helps you so much mentally. I really turned a corner when I committed to 3000 steps a day. It is supposed to be 10000 but even my much smaller amount really helps me. I just carry my phone and count any steps whether they be doing laundry, grocery shopping or actually walking. Some days are a mess weather wise but I really push myself.
I must admit that I am not sure you are right about needing to change anything about yourself before trying to date. You have a wonderful personality and that is what matters. You should not need to change to please others (especially your parents). @Jaeteuk
I thought about the changing part too. As much as I want to be liked because of my personality and what's inside me, rather than my appearance, my parents made a point that people of the opposite gender tend to look at physical attraction first. To see if they have an interest to want to get to know the person more on a deeper level. Then, personality comes next. I, of course, never believed that I want to be liked because of my appearance, but as others have once mentioned in 7 Cups, that my thoughts are "wishful thinking" and that I'm in "fantasy land".
I'm actually a bit nervous, the Auntie that wants to introduce me to the guys will be coming over to my place, upon my invitation, along with other Uncles and Aunties. My mum warned me that she may unintentionally pry for information, that I'd better be careful of what I disclose, or she might even secretly take a picture of me. We might end up taking a potential group picture though, since I ordered a cake for the occasion.
I do hope this year will be different, not just birthday-wise, but for the entire year 2023~
@bestVase7265
I really and truly believe that your parents and those who thought you were living in some fantasy world are completely wrong about the importance of looks.
From the get go, both my husband and myself were attracted to one another based on conversation. He asked such cool questions and really seemed to me listening. The only thing that I noticed physically were his kind eyes. I have pretty bad scoliosis and have never considered myself physically attractive at all, but he has never mentioned that as an issue.
Ultimately though how you appear to others is really just how you feel inside about yourself. Emotions and looks intersect. When you are able to think inside "hey I am a pretty person and someone others would like" then you are.
But if you start down the path of "so and so told me to lose weight or change my hair" then you get yourself in trouble. You are just going on their interpretations which are probably entirely different from that of your date. Your parents are also older and their ideas will be more old fashioned that what is considered attractive today.
So if someone takes a picture at your birthday, let them. Just be happy and enjoy yourself and your real beauty will come through.@Jaeteuk
I will just be myself then. I know that I do need to change my wardrobe though, it's so old. I don't have any "new", "trendy" clothing. Nowadays, heading out the door, it's difficult to pick which clothes to wear. But, it doesn't really help when I don't like shopping either. Let alone, financially, I can't really afford to change much pieces of clothing in my wardrobe. I'm more on the conservative side when it comes to choice of clothes. There are points they made that does make sense, but you're right. My standards of myself is different than what my parents see me as.
I guess my parents have a way to make me doubt myself. Whether that be appearance or whatnot. I won't keep my hopes up though, just go with the flow and see how things go. Even having another friend would be nice!~
@bestVase7265
You are headed in a good direction.
As far as the clothes thing goes, I have never thought I was good at selecting things either. But lately, I have begun trusting myself a little more.
First, I buy new pieces only when old pieces where out. So I don't try to replace the whole wardrobe at once. It keeps the pressure less.
Second, I look at lots of pieces online before I buy. Then I have some idea of what is out there. I feel more comfortable the more research that I do.
Third, I was also bizarrely helped by watching Queer Eye. I don't know if you get Netflix, but it is really helpful to watch because what they are really doing is restoring people's self esteem. They help everyone see how beautiful they are inside. You can watch the American version but there is also a nice German one and a nice Brazil one. The American one had one season where they even went to Japan but I don't know if that is still available. @Jaeteuk
I went to a nearby mall today, the big major clothing store was closed for renovations. So, I went to a few smaller stores to take a walk around. I noticed that what caught my eyes were of the similar styles that I've always been wearing.. not sure if that's a good thing or not. I saw a few pieces that seemed reasonable in price and can be bought. I will go back on Saturday, when I have a bit more time.
I don't have Netflix, but it's a good idea to do some research to see what's out there.
On another note, yesterday, upon my invitation of my parents' friends, I was with the Aunties and Uncles. One Uncle re-invited me over to join them for a Chinese New Years gathering. We haven't agreed yet, because I'm supposed to be "working", my parents never told her friends that I changed departments and is not working full-time hours anymore. So, for yesterday's occasion, I had to tell them that I took a couple of days off. We told them that I'll have to see if I need to work that day, or if I could switch shifts with someone.
This morning, one of the Aunties called my mum and told her a plan. She had asked the other Auntie with the daughter + fiance, when she's free. So, this Auntie planned to invite that daughter + fiance, plus another Uncle's daughter. She wishes that us, younger generation, can meet each other for the first time and hang out first. She even had things thought out, she said, it would be awkward for that daughter to suddenly call me one day, and say, "Let's go for a hike!", while introducing her fiance's best friend to me.
So, regarding meeting the 3 other people, my mum mentioned that I need to watch what I say. She says that I can't be too honest with my working situation, and that if asked what interests or hobbies I have, that I can't say, "I don't really leave the house, and I don't have friends to hang out with." So, I'm not quite sure what else to say, or what I need to make up. Maybe I'll just need to say things that I used to do with the colleagues from my original department and make it sound like I'm still doing that now.
Honestly though, I am a very boring person. I seriously don't have much hobbies, except be on my computer, working on my business now, and watching dramas.. I used to have other hobbies, before we moved 6 years ago. But, that hobby can be a bit pricy and there's no other place in this city to continue with it anyways. And with no friends, there really isn't anyone to spend my time with. I'm also not into fashion and trends, so, it's not that I like being out shopping or walking around. I've also always had a thing with being in places with lots of people, that's why I usually head to malls on a weekday, and before school hours finish. So, with a plan to meet a colleague at a coffee shop on the Saturday and going to the mall to look that those pieces of clothings again; going to the mall, it will be a quick in-and-out. It will be packed with people, and if I stay too long, I'll be really drained. My feelings of meeting them is half/half. Not sure how I'll need to act in front of them, and what I can talk about. *sigh* At least there's still another week and a half before it happens.
@bestVase7265
Your mother is wrong about needing to watch what you say. Saying that you are working part-time while trying to start your own business is just fine. That is enough for any person and makes you sound actively engaged in bettering yourself.
As far as hobbies go, you can talk about some of the stuff you look at online. Everyone watches films and plays games online now. Maybe they play similar ones or do similar things. Don't presume that you are necessarily more of a homebody than other people.
You can also focus on asking more questions of others and just listening to their responses. People like to talk about what they are doing. If you focus more on questions and less on what you answer, you can relax more.
You aren't aiming for any kind of perfection, just enjoyable conversation. Don't let your parents' views of you scare you into being something you aren't.
The clothes sound great. You are allowed to chose things that make you feel comfortable. Consider expanding color schemes if you want to be a little more daring. Also, I can totally get the not wanting to stay long. I am also not much of a crowd person.
You can do this. You are headed in a good direction.
The working part, I think it's because my mum told her friend that I'm still working in the department I studied for, and has a full-time position, that's why my mum warned me not to reveal the details of my current work. So, if I were to be honest, and say I'm only working part-time and trying to start a business on the side, it may look like my mum was lying about my work status the entire time.
I'll try and use the questions to keep conversations going. People do like to talk about themselves, just have to get over the shyness. I do tend to talk a lot, once I feel comfortable with my surroundings. Meeting those people for the first time, I'm not sure how I'll feel with their presence yet. I'll just have to play it by the ear.
I told my mum over dinner tonight, that when I went to the mall, I did see some clothing that may be worth buying. Then, she went off saying that I need to stop buying checkered shirts, as the style looks like a high school student. Says I need to choose styles that are more feminine and more of my age. So, looks like I won't need to go back on Saturday.. lolz
@bestVase7265
Buy what you like. Checkered shirts are just fine if that is what you feel comfortable in. There are plenty of people who wear them. If you can, tell your mom and your style is yours alone and if she wants you to be more confident and happy then she needs to let you choose. But I know that is really hard to do.
Give yourself some time and keep looking online too for the different kinds of things that people are wearing.
So where exactly are you meeting everyone? Have you thought about going there beforehand to just get an idea of what it looks like? I am not suggesting sitting down, but simply allowing yourself to imagine yourself in the space. I think that you are going to do great.@Jaeteuk
I don't understand why my mum has to say so discouraging things. Why does wearing checkered shirt represents only high school aged people? I went to get a haircut, the way she said would look better on me. Today, I heard her talking to my dad saying that she doesn't like it, that it's still too long. Says it might be better if my hair was a bit shorter. It seems like, she's the one that is making all the decisions. From the beginning, I had liked my hair short. Then, she says, I look like a tomboy, and wants me to have it long. Then, since Covid, I've kept it long enough where I could tie it up, now that I had it cut to shoulder length, and she says it can be a bit shorter. She was the one who told me to get it cut to shoulder length though. It's like, no matter what I do, either after doing what she says, she's still not satisfied with me. I just want to be myself, why is that not attractive? If being myself wasn't attractive, I wouldn't even had that one boyfriend in the past.
Well, I don't think I'm meeting the guy just yet. Need to meet the daughter + fiance first. Since the guy is the fiance's best friend. I'll be meeting this couple through a large gathering organized by the Aunties and Uncles. Part of the Chinese New Year gathering. They were thinking of letting me meet the guy afterwards, apparently he's more of an outdoorsy kind of guy, so they were thinking of organizing a hike when the weather gets better. But, meeting the daughter + fiance, the fiance will be able to see what kind of person I am, and possibly let his friend know? Apparently this friend had always been hanging out with the couple when they go on dates, so they wanted him to get a girlfriend too, so maybe at least, they can have time on their own, or go for double-dates.
@bestVase7265
What you have begun realizing even more in the last week is that you cannot please your mother. That can allow you to take the next step and realize that you no longer need to try to do so. She is caught in some loop of seeing you as lesser than the wonderful person that you are. She is the only one who can fix that. You can't do it for her. There is no answer to that "why" question that you can solve.
So maybe a different approach that is just focused on you and not her would be better. Focus just on what makes you feel confident. What do you like about you? What do you feel comfortable wearing? As far as the job discussion goes for instance, you could say that you are working full time but want to transition to part time and start your own business. Then you could focus on your excitement about that. It is how YOU see YOU that matters and that will attract others.
So what do you do about your mom in the meantime? I know that she is hurting you and there really isn't any way to make that hurt go away. I am sad for you and wish that I could let you really see what I see in you - the drive, the focus, the concentrated effort.
But the best you can do is ignore her as much as possible for now. If she ends up asking you about it, then tell her the story that you just told me about the length of your hair. How nothing is ever good enough for her even when you try. That might get her to pause and think about the damage she is doing. Tell her that if she wants this meeting to be fun for you that she needs to keep quiet so you won't get nervous and you will have confidence in yourself.
One step at a time. Meet the couple first and just enjoy getting to know them. Don't think any further than that. Having a nice time with possible new friends will make you more authentic and relaxed. You can do this. @Jaeteuk
I think my mum sees me as a kid still, not a grown adult. As a child my parents had always been overprotective, when I was in my early 20s, they realized that they had been expecting that I always act a certain way. They wanted to kind of let go and let me make my own decisions. Despite their efforts, my mum always has a way to make me feel small. I know it's not intentional and that the things she says is only because she cares. I guess, it's more like the way she words things, it almost always make me feel like I'm in the wrong and my way of thinking is not mature, or, what she calls it, not my age.
I think I'll just go to that party the way I feel most comfortable. I still might need to either buy a new piece of clothing or really need to look through my wardrobe and see what I could wear.
I think my mum has made me very nervous about the entire thing. I haven't been sleeping well the past week. Waking up around 3 or 4am, for about an hour or two before falling back asleep. I've been wanting to take naps in the day, but I need to be more productive in working on my business. My eyes are tired though. Like last night, I didn't fall asleep until around midnight, when I woke up, it was before 4am. It felt like I had been asleep for a long time though, but when I woke up, I looked towards my window and didn't see the sunlight from the edges. Then, I knew, it was still dark out. But I didn't expect it to be before 4am. I already wasn't sleeping well before we had that chat, but I think for what has happened the past week, and the things she has said to me since, subconsciously added to my worries and that it has been affecting me sleep in the process.
@bestVase7265
I would agree with everything that you said. She is still seeing you a child that needs protection and only she can change that view.
She is also stressing you out so you aren't sleeping. This part of it you can control. Do lots of relaxing things where you aren't thinking about what is coming. Deep breathing, getting outside walking, a cup of tea, a nice show or game on the computer, whatever that looks like to you. Avoid being around her too often.
Your clothing plan sounds excellent. Wear what you love yourself in (or at least like yourself in).
I do believe it is going to go much better than you can imagine. You can do this.
I'm already trying to avoid being around her. Especially when she starts talking about my appearance again. There's now another thing to worry about, her health. I have to make her call the medical clinic to see if she could walk-in to see a GP, whoever is available will do. I made an appointment with her, with our locum GP, but it's not until Jan. 31st, but her condition, I don't think we should wait that long. It's worrisome, I know looking at the symptoms online, at most times, we see the worst case scenario. So, it's best to seek professional help directly. I really hope it's not what I think it is, a nurse had the same condition, and was on medical leave for more than a year.
This would not be a good way to start the Lunar New Year..
@bestVase7265
Don't go with worse case scenarios right now. Unless it is an emergency room situation, you can make it to the 31st. It won't be easy, but distracting yourself will help. What kinds of things do you do to keep busy right now?
The new year can still turn out fine. It is lived one day at a time, so focus on tomorrow.@Jaeteuk
I've been using the time to work on my business. My mum says she's feeling better today, but I still think we shouldn't wait until the 31st. Better to get proper treatment sooner, than later. So, I'm thinking of helping her check if there are any same-day appointments for tomorrow. My mum's the type that doesn't like seeing the doctor, so, all the appointments she's ever made, either my dad or I make them for her.
Over dinner tonight though, my mum told me that the couple is going to make a dessert for our party. So, I'm now thinking what to make too. She said there's enough desserts, so I'm thinking maybe some sort of appetizer?
@bestVase7265
That does sounds like a good idea if you can get your mom an earlier appointment, but if not then don't stress about it too much.
The appetizer idea sounds like a good one. What kind of thing are you considering making? My last appetizer attempt was some meatballs that didn't turn out particularly well. I guess that it is my own fault since I never try recipes more than once. Usually things turn out fine, but every so often they go a different direction than I anticipate.@Jaeteuk
I was able to make an appointment for her. I went to see the GP with her, to help explain things. Her English is not that good. We ended up being referred back to the Specialist she once saw a year ago for something else. So, hopefully a second referral wouldn't take that long of a wait. It's good to hear from the GP say that it's not cancerous. That was a sigh of relief on my end.
I made some zucchini, Korean-styled flavour. I tried it out as a side dish for dinner tonight, it turned out well. The recipe said to use Asparagus, but those had been scarce and pricey lately. So, I changed it to zucchini instead. Worked out the same, the most important part is the seasoning.
@bestVase7265
Glad that you were able to narrow down that it probably wasn't cancer. I had to go through testing myself for that in December. Luckily the tests came back negative but it made for a challenging holiday.
The zucchini sounds great. I can imagine it nice and crisp. Good choice.
Everything else going okay for you right now?
I'm trying to keep myself busy with the business and not really thinking about the party next week. Staying away from my mum, thinking about my birthday and trying not to think about the loneliness that I usually feel during this time.
How have you been?
@bestVase7265
That sounds like a good plan. I think that your birthday will at least be more interesting this year with all the other stuff that you are thinking about.
I am okay overall. Sometimes my workload gets a bit overwhelming. Our semester starts in another week or so and I don't feel entirely ready. Last week I got asked to do a surprise 1/2 presentation on something that I don't know all that well. So I am trying to do that on top of everything else. But they are paying me $500 for it, so that is good.@Jaeteuk
I'm hoping this year will be good, in more than one branch of my life.
$500 for 1/2 a presentation sounds well worth it. Hope your semester kicks off on a positive note!~
@bestVase7265
I know that your new year stuff is coming up in the next day or so. I wish you a fun time of celebration. @Jaeteuk
Thank you, @bestVase7265
Celebrations start tomorrow. My mum bought me a new top, early birthday present. Think I'll wear it to the party on Wed.
That sounds nice. Our big public celebration of the Asian New Year happens tonight. It is a festival about a half mile away, but I can hear it clearly in my room. I was thinking about you.
My son's girlfriend is also hosting a dinner at her house tomorrow night. But that one is just for young people.
That's cool. We're going to our Aunt's place tonight for dinner, she's ordering take-out from the Chinese Restaurant (the same as last year). I'll be picking up a Birthday Cake for her on our way, her birthday is the second day of the Lunar Year, so this year, we're on the same day.
@bestVase7265
I hope that you have a great dinner and cake. That sounds like it will be quite nice. I always enjoy special meals. @Jaeteuk