Direction: Found and Lost
I'm trying so hard to better myself. I even got into a spot where I believed in myself. However, that didn't last long. Chapter 4 hit me so hard I could have coughed up blood. I went in positive, but this isn't anything like I've experienced. My ego is battered and bruised after realizing that maybe computer networking isn't for me. IP addresses, binary, masking? What am I even doing? Maybe she was right, I am dumb. I am going to ask for aid from the professor and not give up, but right now I am reeling from defeat. Is it okay to ask for help? Even if the rest of the class is moving forward? "We're about to start chapter 5, is it okay to ask for help on a chapter that we've passed? I wouldn't be in this situation if I wouldn't have procrastinated. You're such an idiot. You really are a total loser. No one will ever care for you because you're an uneducated hick." Self depreciation and self loathing fill my head like wine being messily poured into a chalice. Dribbling down the sides of the cup and pooling at my feet. I never asked to be born. Clearly, I am of weak seed. A dead brother, an ailing father. Men do not fare well on this side. And, then of course, the ultimate cliche: "The world would be better if I'm gone."
Hi @jaymajor
That's rough. I'm so sorry you feel that way about yourself...
The way I see it, looks a lot like negative self-talk and or limiting beliefs. And agreed, those kind of thinking ruin our self-worth.
How are you going to catch the thought whenever it's pops up?
You got this Jay, we're here to support each other 💙
@jaymajor hey. i actually feel the same. I once thought, (no, scratch that, I still do) if I could go without leaving anything behind, I'd go this instant..but it's the uncomfortable fact that I'd disrupt something somewhere cuts that train of thought. My reason though might be a bit different, or not, it's just that I'm just too tired of fitting into a mold and working hard for the space I occupy. So I won't tell you you're wrong about your assumptions about yourself, you know yourself better. What I can tell you is that, if you give it some time, that won't be all that you are. You'll get better...or you can get worse...but I hope in both instances you can keep going. It. Is.Very.Hard. I can't emphasize this enough...but there are brief moments that you might find worth it. I think at this pt I'm actually talking more to myself than to you hahahaha I hope we can keep breathing even when it gets too suffocating
We ll get good when we ll work on ourselves but with Depression it is tough to work on ourselves as well. We just need to be fighting as much as we can Sending you hugs ♥️