How is someone 'worth' anything?
I have recently had one of the few arguments I've ever had with my girlfriend about the fact that I often just smother feelings or don't tell other people (specifically her) things because they would hurt them or make those people feel bad, even if not telling someone brings me pain. Through our argument, she asked me why I do this even though it hurts me, and I came to the realisation that I actually don't really care what happens to me as long as other people are benefited. I see myself as worthless, and it's my body and self, so why don't I have the final say in what I'm worth?
My question (and the whole point of this discussion I guess) is how does someone have 'worth' and who gets to apply that or take it away? What is wrong with my view of myself and can you convince me otherwise?
@Blanched
imo....
You control your "worth" or "value". You determine what aspects of your person/character that are important to YOU. You determine what is good for YOU. You determine how you will act, respond, communicate, and the level of engagement you put into - not someone else.
We can't rely on others to provide us with our self "worth". There are too many instances when what is good for us isn't what is good for the person working looking to to validate or steer us - there's often (sadly) an agenda at work, especially in those who want to take advantage of us in a state of "undetermined value".
Yes, we can look at peers, friends, family, partners, and loves to add elements to our self-worth - that how relationships work, they add or remove an aspect of us for the good or the bad and let us evaluate ourselves for what we take on or shed.
It's up to you to look at your person - emotional, physical, spiritual, mental - and determine your value by how you live, your character, your choices, and your feelings. Determining self-worth can be an arduous and long process -- but only you can do it and change aspects that you find lacking/unfullfilling to add more value.
You are a sensitive person - as you don't wish to upset others with truth or outburst. You aren't one to blurting out how you feel - and some people don't get why everyone can't do that. You've probably seen the damage being truthful can have on someone (I'm guessing) and are hesitant to inflict it yourself -- but if being truthful is something you value, sometimes hurting someone with the truth is what they need and if they can't handle the truth, the pain isn't you, it's the truth. So many people think they want the truth -- many times they are wrong. Very few people can handle the truth -- they prefer candy-coated alternates and that doesn't benefit either party imo.
Sorry if I'm rambling and I hope you glean some sort of sense out of this...
As the old adage says "To thine own self be true" -- You find your value within and with truth - I think - rather than through the eyes of others or rose-colored glasses.
I hope this helps.
@Blanched This is insane because I am EXACTLY the same as you but with my boyfriend. This is crazy. I was gasping while reading this. I don't want to bother my boyfriend with my own negative feelings because I know he is already going through so much and doesn't need more weight on his shoulders. (Sorry that I can't answer the question, I'm just shocked at how much I can relate to this).
There are different aspects I recocnize from your words. The not talking about your feelings part is one I recognize in both my boyfriend and my mother, people that are extremely dear to me. For my boyfriend I think it doesn't have to do with him believing he is not worth anything, but thinking he is not man enough because he is struggling. Maybe that is the same in a way - I don't know. For my mother, I think she does it to protect her loved ones, because she doesn't want us to hurt. I'm not sure if I'll ever find out.
As for the part of feeling like you don't care what happens to you, as long as other people benefit from it: I feel you there. I don't understand what it means to be "worth" anything, where does it come from? @diplomaticconfucious said some great words about it. The question that is raised from it for me is, what if I can't see what is important to me? What if what seems important to me is what is important to other people?
@sincereWriter231
Sometimes its hard to filter through stuff - thoughts, memories, actions, beliefs, imposed standards, etc. - to see what is important to you. The thing that I don't think gets mentioned oftern is what is important to you is fluid - as life is fluid with turbidity.
As we literally go with the flow of life, we assign value to things - ideas, actions, beliefs, objects, people, etc. by some scale we developed - developed by observation, experience, and comparison. It's that last one that usually gets us into trouble- because somewhere we seem to wire ourselves that is often the only means of judging something including ourselves. It sucks and is something that hurts us more than helps us.
When you start cutting through the clutter, muting some of the internal ddialog, and making time to get to know yourself- you often start finding what is important to you, what you value, what has shaped you, what you want to keep, what you want to cast aside, how to cherish yourself, how to cherish others, what influences you want around and don't, and so many other aspects.
It's okay if you share values with others- when we are in any relationship, we are influenced for the better or for the worse. Humans are experential creatures that also assimilate/mimic. That's how we are wired. Discerning if they are our values - imo- goes to how you feel about them due to exposure (if raised around someone who accepted said value or behavior, you might not see why someone else is disgusted/offended/confused by it who wasn't ), learned. (It's a cultural norm and is imposed whether by family, institution, or practicum), or assimilated (Joey does it, it looks cool/fun/shocking/wild/something I'd do or want to do).
Value often is interpreted as something beneficial. When we talk self worth and value- imo- we are talking about things that are benefiting us. Now surprise... even crappy things that happen to us has benefits. You don't only look at the rainbow and unicorn side of life- the fireballs and hatchets shape us positively as much as they do negatively. It's hard to imagine from inside the maelstroms- but the bruises, cuts, bumps, and crap that pile upon a you... actually help you find out somethings like what kind of people are in your life snd if they are keepers or tossers; what kind of things/aspects in your life are keepers or tossers; what characters within yourself are keepers or tossers; what direction you want to go by staying in the situation or wanting to get out of it; choosing to grow or to stagnate; to deny or accept your battle scars and lessons; letting yourself be defined by what has happened to you or defining yourself by acknowledging it happened, its part of you, it shaped you, but it isn't the only aspect that makes up the person you are, the person you are striving to be, the person you share with the world, and the person you respect and can live with internally and externally.
I hope this makes sense... I'm still in tumbleweed mode which means I ramble trying to get my point across. Sorry. I hope I answered your questions in there somewhere in that long flow of thought
@diplomaticconfucious It did make sense. Thank you so much for taking your time to write such an extensive answer, I deeply appreciate it and I will surely think about this from now on 
@sincereWriter231
Thanks for the feedback... I'm glad you could take something away from that.