I feel like I've lost my humanity
So I have suffered with depression for years now. Last year though was the worst that it had ever hit me. I honestly don't even know if it's gone yet, or if I've just grown accustomed to it. But anyways, I don't feel anymore. I don't cry, I don't love, I can't be happy, I just feel like a husk, a wraith drifting through this world. I cannot get my emotions back no matter how hard I try. I've drifted away from some of my closest friends in this time, as they do not know what it is like. They have never been depressed, they have never attempted suicide. It all makes me feel evil almost. Anyways, does anyone else feel this way? Have you lost your humanity too?
There was a point in my life when I felt just how you do now. That started when I was 14 and lasted until I was 20...a very long time frame. Anyway, I can say that over time it does get better if you are willing to work towards it. Now, I know you may not want to. At that point in my life, I just didn't care about anything or anyone, not even myself. I was a soulless body just roaming and going about my days. Looking back, I am surprised at how much I have overcome. I pushed away everyone that was close to me, I would make it so that people saw me in a negative way, it was terrible. It's tough, but if you want to start feeling again, I know you can do it! If you ever want to talk, feel free to send me a message. Sending lots of love and hugs your way!<3
I totally relate with how you're feeling. My first suicidal ideation was at 13... I am in my mid-20's now and I have a couple years of solid recovery from mental illness under my belt now. Not everyone is diagnosably mentally ill, but I was/am. The point is... my sad started early. What has helped me is, in a word, perseverance. When one door would slam in my face, I'd try another one. This meant therapists, yoga classes, good old-fashioned wailing and blurting at the friends I had (sometimes this pushed them away, but sometimes they were amazingly helpful and hopeful for me), and most importantly... seeking.
I believe in your ability to seek for yourself. You're doing it already. You may feel like a husk today... but there's a seed to nurture, somewhere in there. It may be tiny, but it has the capacity to grow.