I'm angry at everything and anything, including myself.

First of all thank you for your compassion. The traumatic event is also kinda a secret that's been weighing on my heart like a ***. For context I grew up in a broken dysfunctional home. The type of home that revolves around "let's stay together for the children" and I genuinely think it *** us more, ironically, as their children. My father is a toxic humanbeing who's genuinely mentally ill because he layed upon us physical abuse and emotional abuse, he was never satisfied and he always berated me being the youngest and the "least bright" one of the kids. The others were considered prodigies. I'm 23 now and I was looking to forgive what happened and let go all the pain and whatnot. The thing is, even though my father was toxic, I kinda respected him for being an honest morally correct person, given that I never really hated him, I just wanted to stay away from him. Two weeks ago he was caught stealing the wallet while waiting with my mom for a doctor. The thing is, the lady dropped her wallet, he saw it, picked it up and went away. The cameras saw him. They called my mom and told her to come, then they layed upon her the news. Thankfully the lady forgave him and he gave her the money back. When confronted by my mom as for why he did it, his only answer was "Well I didn't have any money left." Mind you he's retired and he's financially well. After hearing this from my mom because she couldnt handle the secret alone, I was shocked for the whole day and it triggered all forms emotions. Hate, anger, emptiness, sadness...you name it. I even feel like it knocked me out of mental stability because from that day till now I still havent had one normal, neutral, average or below average days. Only three people (including me) know about this and I couldnt bring myself to talk about it with close friends or members because of the crippling shame it makes me feel.

I'd rather see him dead than see him do *** like this, just because he's mentally unstable. I'm looking for a job to get as much away as possible from my home so I can maybe actually start my healing process and not suffer from a relapse every now and then because of *** like this.

And you know what's the worst? For some reason I found myself blaming myself for not being able to get out of home and get away from this ***, which made me even more angry at myself and whatever's around me.

Sorry for the long reply