New here, and at a loss...
I'm new to this site, and I'm really hoping that I can get some help here. Only people that have gone through these feelings can really, truly understand where I'm coming from. Just a quick backstory: I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 16 years that I just got out of about 2 years ago. I have 2 children out of the marriage that are with me full time. I work a 40+ hour a week job, and also have a house that I own to maintain by myself. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes.
I've been dating someone for a little over a year, and things seemed great at first. But my insecurities, depression, and anxiety are constantly coming into play. I always feel unloved, alone, sad, miserable, and negative, no matter what my boyfriend does or says. I cry a lot. I feel like I have no patience with my kids. I feel a lot of times that everyone would be better off without me.
My boyfriend suggested that I keep a positive thought journal. He bought one for me, and had encouraged me many times to use it. The problem is, I can't see any positive, so I have nothing written in it. I would have plenty of negative thoughts, though. I am drowning in negativity, and it's killing my relationship, and my relationship with my kids. It has been suggested to me several times to talk to someone or get on medication, or both. But with all my responsibilities and with my post divorce health insurance, I don't have the time or the money for that. So I thought I'd come here and try to just find some people who have been where I am, and have some kind of feedback as to how I can pull myself out of this. Thanks in advance.
My situation is different, however it has the same outcome as yours. I feel like I have been dealt a serious bad hand and have no idea why? All my life I wanted to be "normal" which my definition is married, children, and extended family. I am in mid forties and finally gotten married, no children and not by choice. I feel very isolated and different because of this. My husband does not understand because he has two grown children from his first marriage of fifteen years. I also have no extended family except a mom and grandmother. This has all made me look at this world as negative as well. I am a failure for never having my own family and not the adequate support system. There is much more to this story I can get more in depth if you are interested. I am on depression meds had counseling and I don't see the point or purpose in my life, but no I not going to end it. I keep hearing my life has purpose and God has a plan. I haven't a clue and really? I am living in pain and fear over all the family celebrations and life events that I will never experience. A lot of times I cry on weekends because its just my husband and I. This is all I ever wanted a loving family nothing else. I don't care about hobbies of my own. I am sorry but I can relate to the negativity. We can not adopt due to my history of depression and our house needs some major repairs so the home study would not even pass. Also, my biological dad is incarcerated, my step dad who raised me died at 52, and my grandparents who I was very close to and took care of passed away.
@PeaceSeekin, who can even begin to understand why it is that some of our deepest desires are the ones that somehow don't seem to be in the stars for us. Or at least not in the way we imagine. There was position I wanted at work so badly that I could practically taste it. I didn't get the job, and I was absolutely and thoroughly crushed. Even though similar positions came up again, I never was able to get one of them. Eventually half of those positions were cut, so I dodged that bullet. It still hurt, and still makes me sad to this day. But I do realize that I was being watched over and protected when I didn't get that job. Of course that situation isn't anything like you not having your own children. However, I merely tell yu about it because even though I personally couldn't see any reason behind it, there was a plan. We don't know what is in the future. Sometimes we want something that could alter that perfect thing that could happen in the future. Or maybe not, but even when we can't see it, there is a reason. I feel like I'm talking in circles, so I hope I've made sense.
Huge hugs to you!
Thank you. @BridgetAileen. I have no choice but to eventually accept this. But for now I haven't been able to.
@PeaceSeekin
(((((PeaceSeekin)))))
Thank You so much 👍@BridgetAileen
I feel for both of you. I'm new to this site as well. My husband has been telling me for years that he thinks I'm depressed. So I finally asked my doctor for help. All she could do was give me a list of therapists. They were either not accepting new patients or not accepting my insurance. I'm feeling really hopeless and stressed out. I think my husband has just lost all patience and hope in me. He seems to not even trust me with our children. I work two jobs and I recently loaned our car to my brother which was supposed to be temporary, but my husband suspects otherwise. It's like I'm never doing anything right. And when I try to walk out, he calls me a coward. When I try to help, he tells me to let him do it instead because I'm not doing it the right way. I definitely feel hated and worthless.
@Jfrut Oh, dear Jfrut, I'm so sorry for all the difficult things you're experiencing right now. It's not always easy to get the help we need from professionals due to insurance, distance, access, etc. Fortunately, though, we have 7 Cups. Although I've only been here right at a month, it's already been very helpful. I haven't talked with a 1-on-1 Listener, but I've been on the forums, in my Feed, and in some discussions. I hope that you find some good support here, as well.
Be gentle with yourself and find at least one thing each day that you've done well. I try to do that step here at 7 Cups every day...and some days I just have to skip it because I can't think of anything to write down. But just keep trying.
Big hugs!
I'm relatively new to this site and suffer from severe depression. It's been about 25 years since I was first diagnosed, and I've had ups and downs. There have been periods where the depression was much milder and then others where I thought it would swallow me alive.
I've always been single and have no children although I do have some extended family. But at this point in my life, I don't want to get married anymore. I don't even want a romantic relationship. I am on an antidepressant, but I'm not sure if it's helping much.
Back when I was first diagnosed with depression, I was seeing a licensed professional counselor, but that lasted less than a year. At the end of one session, she told me not to bother scheduling another appointment because she didn't think I could be helped since I couldn't "get angry". Great...I can't even succeed at being depressed the right way, right? So basically, for most of these years, I've just had my primary care physician (a general practitioner) prescribing me meds...except for when I was asked. "You don't want to have to take an antidepressant all your life, do you? Why don't we take you off of them?" So there have been periods of time that I didn't even take the antidepressants. It's been a battle to keep funtioning with some times being more difficult than others.
So although my situation is different than the ones y'all are experiencing, I feel your pain and know how difficult it is. My medication is a little off this weekend, so I'm so my brain feels a bit foggy. Otherwise, I might have more to say to encourage each of you. I'll peek back in later when I'm thinking a bit more clearly.
Until then, I leave y'all with lots of hugs.
@BridgetAilee . Thank You
@Jojo76 I haven't been exactly where you are, but I have experienced emotional abuse, both from a parent and a significant other. Experiencing something like that is enough to make anyone feel they are drowning in negativity. Your boyfriend had a nice thought in getting you that journal, but he needs to realize that you're going to need a little lift to get to a state where you can think positively regularly enough to write things down. I think the best thing I did for myself was allowing myself to be where I was without feeling guilty or like I needed to battle it constantly. I used to be really grumpy every day at work and never speak to anyone, and I felt like a terrible person. But once I began to let myself off the hook and realized my emotions are valid, that lowered resistance helped me get into a better and I would say even positive state of mind. I am much more cheerful and social at work than I was two months ago. So don't feel the need to rush into a more positive state, but feel free to arrive there naturally... it sounds like you are doing the best you can for right now and you care very much about your friends and family. <3
Thank you all for sharing your stories with me. As much as it sucks to be in this state of mind, at least we are all understanding of each other. It's very frustrating when people tell me to "get over it" or "snap out of it". If it were that easy, everyone would always be happy. And it's so hard to explain to people how I feel without them thinking I'm crazy. I'm finding this site to be very helpful, even if it's just knowing that others are going through the same thing, and understand where I'm coming from.
I had a very bad night last night that was filled with negativity on my part. It almost caused my relationship to end. So when I went to bed last night, I told myself that today was a new day and I was going to forget all the bad things from last night and not dwell on them. It seemed to work for the most part. Then I got my journal out and wrote a few things in there that were positive (which is very hard for me, since the negative things are the things that I truly remember). I told my boyfriend that I started writing in my journal, which caused him to hug me tightly and tear up. It means a lot to me that he is really in my corner, even if it doesn't seem it sometimes.
@Jojo76 Wow, this sounds like a huge positive step for you. Good for you! No one should ever tell you to just snap out of it or get over it. If they do tell you that, then clearly they have no true understanding of how you're feeling. What you're feeling is never wrong. <3
@CompassionateGirl90 Thank you! I'm really trying. Lately, I felt so low that I guess the only way I can go is up. And my boyfriend really is a wonderful and caring person, and I don't want to lose him. But in order for that to happen, I have to change the way I think and dig myself out of my negativity hole. It's definitely going to take time, but I will hopefully get there someday. Last night, I pictured throwing all my negative thoughts into a toilet, and then flushing. Sounds funny I know, but I think it worked for the most part. I woke up feeling much better. And everytime one of those negative thoughts tried to creep back into my head, I put a wall up and didn't let it in. So far so good. I hope that even my little step forward can maybe also help someone else reading this. <3
@Jojo76 I really like the flushing the negative ideas! 
On thing that I do is stand under the shower and let the water run from the top of my head all the way down. I visualize all the ickiness and negativity being washed down from my head, over my shoulders, down my torso and legs, past my feet and then watch as it swirls around and goes down the drain.
Last week, I took my negative thoughts and turned them into affirmations. For example, if I had the thought, "I can't do this and things will never get better," I rewrote it into something like, "I am capable of accomplishing the things I put my mind to, and my efforts improve my quality of life." Many of mine were much simpler than that. Then I just post affirmations where I'll see them throughout the day and repeat them to myself. The nice thing about affirmation is that they work even though I don't really believe them at first. Just keep repeating them, and your mind will eventually begin to shift gears.
Sometimes the gratitude journal is hard for me, too. Some days there's nothing much at all other than things like, the cool glass of water/tea, I didn't get any mail (and thus no bills), my shoes...stuff like that.
Just hang in there!
@BridgetAileen The shower idea is a really great visual idea, too. Thank you for your advice. I've been trying, even if it seems there is nothing postive to write, to write something anyway. Even if it's the fact that I made it to and from work safe and sound. I really like the affirmations idea, too, and will have to try that. 
@Jojo76
Oh, I've had many days where the things I was thankful for were things like just getting to work. I know what it's like to struggle with the ol' gratitude journal. *wink* It's a lot of work, but I know you can do it. ♥
