People keep telling you to "reach out"
Anyone ever called the suicide hotline and found it completely useless? I recently did that and the person just spewed all the cliché things about how life is worth living.
Hey, friend. When I was suicidal and people kept telling me "it gets better" I wanted to hit each and every single one of them. I wanted to scream (and I did. A lot) and I fought the bullcrap tooth and nail. I found more comfort in my straight shooter friends who told me "YEAH this sucks. It's gonna suck for a while. But you can do this." Turns out I couldn't do it...alone. I was committed for my own safety for a handful of days. All the cliche quotes on the walls, the socks with grippy bottoms, and the empty patient room I had made me think I had really lost it. But in that place I met laughing, broken, healing people like me. I learned to embrace those cliches. My favorite was "Today I will be happier than a bird with a French fry." Our mental health system fails people and its a million wonders I came out better for it. I know right now those suggestions they offered you make you roll your eyes so hard that they could touch your spine. Been there. But this life IS worth living. Survive each day. Of each day is too big to tackle survive 10 seconds at a time. Count them outlook if you need to. Then survive 10 more. And 10 more. The day will pass and you'll have made it. The sun will come out again and one day you'll be happier than a bird with a french fry too. If you have a trusted partner, friend, or family member make yourself a No Harm contract. Hey today I will NOT act on my thoughts. And sign it or text it to them every single day. And honor that. Repeat it the next morning. Find your self motivation to not act on those feelings. If you can, get some help. Try a bunch of therapist if you need to. If you don't have insurance and money is an issue call them all and explain your budget situation and ask if they can help. Somebody will say yes. You can do it. 10 seconds at a time.
@yabbs2512 This is the realest, most honest replies I have ever seen written here. I've been committed myself a few times in the past and there are some of the most beautifully broken people in there. The no harm contract works, which is weird if you think about it but I had that with someone myself and it would have been so easy to disregard it but I took pride in myself for honoring that piece of paper each day.
@TheFisherKing Thanks for the kind words. So glad it helped you as well. I reached out to chat since you're a listener but got an error message.
Thank you for your very thoughtful response. What convinces me that I'm a hopeless basket case is that I have been feeling this way for 11 years now, and have been going in and out of hospitals. I have been ignored/abandoned by friends I tried to talk to about it. I assume they found me overwhelming and inconvenient. That's another thing about "reaching out" that I find ridiculous and have just made me feel that much worse. Like more than an outcast. Like the universe didn't want me anymore. And I'm tired of being my own cheerleader. I have to spend so much energy everyday trying to convince myself that life is worth living... That I'm worthy. There's a voice telling me that if I was really compassionate and kind to myself, I would end it so I won't make myself suffer.
@yibird23 I agree, many times they end up making you feel worse. The suggestion that @yabbs2512 made about a no harm contract is a good idea. Would you be willing to give it a try?
@TheFisherKing As morbid as it sounds, the only thing that brings me relief is the thought that I can put an end to my pain any time. It's the only thing that lifts the weight off. It It feels like the only control I have in life.
@yibird23 I'm not sure if I would call it morbid. It's the painful truth. You're hurting that is. It's not so much that you want life to end but the pain. There are many people here dealing with similar thoughts and feelings. Its really good that you're reaching out to others. Hopefully you'll be able to find a little comfort in knowing you're not alone. While we're not to discuss suicide here, we can discuss the depression and hopefully find ways to help the pain you're feeling.
There are things I appreciate in life but the pain doesn't feel worth it. I have never really felt any kind of belonging or had a loving, safe place to call home. I am tired of being in survival/fighting mode everyday. Have you ever felt an insurmountable amount of pain?
@yibird23 I do understand. But I understand my pain, and unfortunately our pain is our own. What we go through is like our own personal hell. Tailor made just for us. I was born into an abusive family that didn't want me. It's hard to live in fear, but it can get better. You have the power now, you have the power to create a safe place for yourself. You have the power to use your voice to speak your truth. It's not easy, I know all to well, but it can get better. A good therapist in your area can help greatly. Preferably one who is trauma informed. A good support system is also good to have. There is a trauma community here, in case you haven't found it yet: https://www.7cups.com/home/trauma/
The people here are warm and understanding. They don't judge and they can be a support system here for you if you would like. You don't have to go through any of this alone.
@TheFisherKing I just want to say I'm very grateful for your responses. you must understand a good amount of what I feel given your own background. Do you feel like you overcame the effects a traumatic upbringing can instill in a person? Do you mind sharing how if that's the case? I should have said this earlier, I am not so delirious as to think I am entitled to be happy all the time. I never really strived for happiness (not to mention chasing for happiness can become its own toxic cycle), just to feel at peace. I guess in a certain way I am grateful for all the things I learned, but again... I'm not so sure the lessons are worth what they brought, which is all the bitterness towards the world.
@yibird23 You're welcome :)
To answer your question if I overcame the effects, in all honesty, it's complicated. I'm still very much a work in progress, but in many ways things are much better. Therapy has helped a lot, it has given me hope. Even just being able to come here and share things with people helps. It has helped to know that there are other people who have gone through similar things. If you think back, how many times might you have been told to keep quiet? Or that no one will believe you anyway? Here, people will believe you. Here, they want you to use your voice. It is healing, to be able to speak. Plus we have the cloak of anonymity, it helps with the safety feeling. I'm not saying it will be easy, it's hard working through our pasts. But it does get better.
I can understand your bitterness. Almost as if you want to give the whole world the finger and tell it to F off. The lessons we learn when we're young are the ones that tend to stick with us the longest. They're not easy to forget but you can relearn and make a better life for yourself. You can find peace and while I don't think anyone is happy all the time, there will be days when you'll be able to think to yourself, that life is good and in the moment you'll find peace, contentment and happiness.
@TheFisherKing It's okay I know that healing isn't a process that really has an ending point. Whenever I look at the sheer amount of work I have to do to heal I remind myself that there's not some kind of finish line, and that takes a lot of pressure off. The spiritual community really frustrated me though. There's SO much contradicting teachings and I just don't know what to actually follow. Example being, "your thoughts manifest your reality and what you become" vs. "thoughts are just thoughts and they don't have to mean anything if you don't attach to it". What do you think?
@yibird23 The way I look at it, it's a marathon, not a sprint and you're not in any competition with anyone. Some people might have an easier time working through things, where other people might struggle more. I know what you mean, a lot of the spiritual communities seem to focus on forgiveness too and in all honesty, I have a really hard time with the concept of forgiving someone who won't even admit their wrong doing. But I have found that you don't have to forgive someone in order to move forward. It's basically all about what works best for you. As for thoughts, a lot of times people will say to think positive, but in many cases it's not that simple. More often then not forced positivity does more harm then good, because if your suppressing them they're not going to go away. Sometimes it can help to take a deeper look at the thought, to see where it's coming from, if it was something that someone may have said to you. Consider the source, who the person is in relation to you and why they may have said it. Were they angry, jealous or just having a bad day? Some people find that meditation is helpful, it can give your mind a moment to relax. Sometimes it's helpful to talk with someone about these thoughts. Talking with people can often give us a different way of looking at things and it helps us to work through those thoughts, because some times those thoughts we're having may be linked to trauma we may have suffered and they're there because we have unresolved trauma. Does that make sense?