So sad and so alone.
It's 12:00 am and I just got home from classes and I feel so sad for this day even though I studied today, it wasn't much but still I did and decided to attend the classes and took a chance getting a good seat even though I was so scared to be rejected by random strangers. I should be proud of myself.
Today at 4:00 pm, I had to wait outside of the classroom to get a very good seat because apparently it was a first-come, first-served basis. I had to wait for one hour with a heavy backpack while listening without intending to a group of friends who couldn't shut up and just wait in line. Instead they kept talking and laughing for so many random things but mostly about the board exams and people they knew who failed the board. That's when I started to feel so sad because I know I won't take another board exam despite of attending these exhausting review classes where I'm sacrificing my time by just standing there, waiting every afternoon when a crowd of people with their friends occupying all the good seats in advance making it so hard for me to get one because apparently I have no one but me. I asked a random reviewee if somebody was sitting on the chair with a bag next to her, and she just looked at me, didn't say anything but I could see in the way she looked at me that she felt so sorry for me, and as soon as I saw that look, I left right away with a sad look on my face. I didn't even care if she saw that but I did feel so pathetic for being so alone and embarrassed.
It's just really so exhausting to fight this battle alone especially when I know I'm not a very strong person to push myself.
I don't even think everything I wrote makes sense but I just really feel sad today. And tomorrow I have to face another of that. And the day after that. Until Monday. And I don't know if I could still survive. And damn, Nina LaCour's We Are Okay is so depressing that I wish I hadn't read that from the first place.
@plumField5702
Deep breathe dear Plum....
What you wrote made plenty of sense - don't fret about that. You are very eloquent in your writing, imo.
You sound tired (from the tone of your writing)... and being tired always seems to compound things. Nevermind all that extraneous conversation that's being bantered about -- it's noise. People have a tendency to talk badly about someone, in this case people who didn't do well on the board testing for unknown reasons (could be family illness, they work 3 jobs, whatever - we don't know and will never know), just to make themselves feel better about themselves. I've seen those same people fail themselves in the same situation -- you never know until you try and get the results who you will perform on any given test or task.
I applaud your efforts of going to class and learning something new. I like to think as long as we learn something new and can grow with that knowledge --- we aren't wasting our time. You never know where it will take you or when or how you will use it sometimes. Oddly, I've found several things I learned at university useful here at 7cups -- you just never know until you need it. :D
Keep doing what you need to do - get there early and get a good seat, take the notes you need, apply yourself as needed - you're doing great. Reward your efforts -- you deserve it. Listen to your favorite songs, watch your favorite movie, enjoy an ice cream or candy bar or favorite treat. You are doing something awesome for yourself - don't apologize for it, look at the seeds your are sowing now and make note of them -- you're harvest lies in the future.
Keep reaching out for help here at 7cups... we'll do what we can to help. There are some amazing people here ready to listen too under Chat and Browse a Listener. Check out the Self-Help Guides under Path too -- there's some helpful information in those little gems. Wonder the forums -- there's some fun threads here too that make good distractions when things get too .... serious(?).
Deep breathe... you're doing great.
@diplomaticconfucious Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm overwhelmed but thank you again and again. Sorry it took a while for me to say that.
@plumField5702
No worries. Sometimes it takes a while to work things and word things and actually get it done. I can offer loads of examples. :D
Take a deep breathe... you are going to be fine. It may not feel like it will be fine at this very moment... but you are a very strong person and you are juggling a lot. Somewhere, sometime -- you'll know what all this stress and anxiety was for and you'll be the one offering a hand up and supporting word.
Take it one day at a time. One page at a time. One project at a time. One breathe at a time. And don't forget to reward yourself for doing what you do when you can.
@diplomaticconfucious I can read everything you wrote a hundred times and never get tired. I think I'm melting with them right now. Thank you, infinitely. Thank you.
@plumField5702
Okay... I'm going to share one of my guilty pleasures I use to reward me surviving long-hard days...
SHAUN THE SHEEP!
https://www.shaunthesheep.com/watch
Yes, I'll own it - I am a Shaun the Sheep fan. For a series with no words, I enjoy it. I found it on Amazon Prime -- there's some on youtube. But this is the main site and has some of the shorts on it. I cued the link to the Video section. I hope you visit the site and enjoy it.
Thank you for the kind words and I appreciate them. I'm happy to hear you are finding something good among my long-winded answer. Now take a break and enjoy some bleeting. 
@diplomaticconfucious
I read your answers to this thread every time I go back here. I want to respond to everything you just said but all I can really is thank you. It's nice to have someone believe in you when you don't really believe in yourself, it's motivating.
Anyway, I visited the site in your honor and watched just one episode. It's a good distraction, thank you for sharing that.
@plumField5702
I'm glad my words help you. (Happy to share Shaun the Sheep... he is a guilty-pleasure for my hard days.)
I hope things are looking up for you this week.
Deep breathes... don't take on what you don't have to... remember to take your breaks even if it means just going to the loo and splashing some water on your face... and reward yourself for a hard day - you deserve it!
@diplomaticconfucious
Thank you, infinitely. I don't want to lose the magic by saying it but yeah, I think it's going well so far. I mean, they're not much of accomplishments but still I'm just happy that I'm at least trying everyday.
@plumField5702
You are trying everyday .... that is an accomplishment!
Don't deny yourself the small steps... every journey starts with a single step and eventually adds up to take you to new places, see new things, meet new people and even occasionally scale mountains. :D
@diplomaticconfucious
I hope I'd be consistent with this though. I hope when something happens again, it won't shake my motivation. I just want to be stronger than my circumstances for a change but I'm not so sure about that.
@plumField5702
It would be so great that when we wanted to do something new we could just immediately do it -- everytime. This is a process and it does take doing it in bits so it becomes as regular. It's like watching an infant figure out how to move -- they start by rolling over, then they try scooting, then they move to one knee up, then they try to pull themselves up, then they decide to take a step (and usually fall) and then one day they put two steps together, then three, then five, then their running -- and the thing is, once the baby has the skills to walk and run they don't look back because it has become ingrained.
Coping, recovery, and healing is like that too -- we have to the desire to want to move and change but we don't have the ability to do it in one swoop -- we build on it and sometimes, when we are really lucky -- BAM! We're doing it automatically and not looking back.
It's one day at a time -- sometimes it's one hour at a time or even one minute at time (my yesterday was one minute at a time).
Now... if you care to --- try this little exercise to be mindful of tension and posture. (I'm not a Rx person but I find it helpful)
Take a deep breathe -- take a survey of where your shoulders are -- are they at your ears or close to it? Is your back tense to the point is tingles, aches or burns? Your next step if you answered yes to either of those is to --- PAUSE, take 3 deep abdominal breathes. Set up straight (we usually don't know we're slumping until we actually become mindful we are - especially in a stressful work in environment) and take 3 more deep breathes. Then pull your shoulders up to your ears and hold it to the count of 10 then release. Do this 3 times then check and see where your shoulders are now, how your back is feeling and if you are still sitting up straight. Stay mindful of your tension and posture -- you can control these and it's amazing how slumping over goes unnoticed but it can lead to shallow breathing, sore neck, headache and lots of other ill feelings physically and emotionally.
You are not your worry -- leave it on the mat. You are in the beginning of your journey -- one step at a time.
Reward yourself for small steps. Do not take the words and behaviors of co-workers upon yourself to worry about -- you can't change them or their behaviors -- you can only change you.
You are doing great! Keep trying for you -- everyday. You never know when an opportunity will arise to make the situation better for you.
Hi there,
I agree with the above member.
These things can seem stressful overtime it gets you and impacts on your life . Some how feels your arnt like the rest what makes feel isolated even more .
You said your arnt a strong enough person. Can you tell me more? Why are you not? Is this more about you? Again this could just be a self esteem thing. We all feel like that from time to time .
If there's anyone at university you can talk to I would suggest talking to someone you trust.
Don't let your friends get the better of you . Maybe you could do with time out from them .Also there are loads of people at uni you can get to know. Just believe in yourself .
Just remember to relax from time to time. Take small steps .Don't judge yourself if something goes wrong too. It won't always be like this and you won't fail if you just keep trying. You are the best person of yourself.
There are some other people going through same problems as you. Just let your feelings out to share what's on your mind. The Student Support Room is a good place to start. Your find it on 7 cups as a group discussion .
Good luck. Please keep positive and don't give up.
Hugs
Treasure
@TreaureSeekers3
It really is a self-esteem thing because when I'm all alone, I'm really shy. Like there was this one time when I found a good seat at the front of the classroom, but I didn't sit right away because I had to make sure that there wasn't anyone really sitting there, and apparently somebody was also finding a good seat and she found the seat that I got and said that she saw it first. I defended myself shyly for like a minute but then she kept telling that it was her's and I couldn't argue, I just couldn't. I'm all shy and afraid so I left it with so much hurt and pain. God! Just recalling that again makes me feel sad and mad for myself.
See, that's the things. I hate that I'm paradoxical. The day after my encounter with a stranger-reviewee who looked at me with sorry eyes, my former classmate saw me at the review center so she stayed with me the whole time and I swear I felt a little bit uncomfortable and it was so hard for me to concentrate on my studies. It's just I don't know, I kind of have this feeling that I can't just ignore the person I'm with, particularly if it's someone I'm rarely with. It's like I have an obligation to mind that person, what that person wants and all the other stuff.
In a nutshell, I can really bear being all alone but still, sometimes it sucks. It's a punch in the gut when just like that, no one could reserve a good seat for me, like that stranger did to her friend. Because yeah, I have nobody.
Anyway, thank you so much. I've really been trying so hard at school. Deep down, I know those are the things I should really do but it still feels good to be reminded. It never gets old when it comes from someone.
Just adding a lil bit of positivity (I agree with the two people above me had to say), I always say that at least you know you are doing your best and that you are very hard to accomplish your goals. So take solace in that and maybe listen to some music while you wait or do some homework. Something that will relax you.
@SunnyGab
I don't really feel like I've been doing great at school but thank you for seeing that way and telling me that. I think I'll just stumble on to my novels, and yeah calming music.
@plumField5702 (from last post) a typo lol..
working very hard**
And you just got to relax and not let those type of things bug you, just brush it off ♡
@SunnyGab
Thank you, and don't worry about the typo. How, anyway? How to brush off things that are happening you and not let them linger in your thoughts?
@SunnyGab
*happening to you
@plumField5702 What I do may not be right for you, but I try to think of something else or a goal I am trying to achieve while being there. Like, if some girl is annoying me at class I usually just try to think of my grades and why I am in that class (to further my education).
@SunnyGab
You're right, thank you. It's a good thought, although for me it's still a bit hard especially when I'm already full and tired.
@plumField5702 Well I believe you can overcome the challenges you've been presented with!
@SunnyGab
Alright, thank you. I guess I'll rest my case now and try to think of that too.
