Talking with Loved Ones About Depression

@RainMann Sorry for the late response, I did type up a response to this but my browser deleted the cookies before I sent it and signed me out, then I just got frustrated and left. Now I copy everything before sending. I'm still depressed, but I'm not in the same mood I was at that time, so I'll admit this response likely won't be my genuine thoughts when I first read it, but I'll try to remember some of what I said and maybe add to it. Anyway, I'm really sorry for what you've been through, even if you say it's your fault. It's my fault I got crippled, it doesn't make the situation any less difficult to deal with even if we cause it ourselves. Same with addiction or any other self-induced trauma, I've attempted suicide before, yes it was my fault and I was wrong, but it was a horrible set of circumstances I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (who is also me) that led to it. At the time I thought that was my only option. I look at the scar on my wrist and still cringe, even all these years later. I can't believe I actually did that. It's horrifying to think I ever did that. Now no matter how depressed I get I can't imagine actually slashing my wrists again, it's terrifying to me that I'm the person who did that to himself. Anyway again, my mental illness has also pushed people away from me and caused similar problems in the past, which has led to me being afraid of opening up, making new friends, reconnecting with old ones, etc. I'm afraid to even be myself any more because I don't want to hurt people or drive them away again. So I just fake a positive attitude and say everything is fine no matter how much it isn't. I don't want to be a burden to people and it's led to me essentially walling myself off from other humans and bottling everything up. Now mentally I'm a whole lot worse because I feel like I have to keep everything contained. I'm afraid to show the slightest bit of a personality or express any opinions. I just can't talk to people about these things any more, so really, tying it back into the subject of the thread, at this point, I just don't bother. I used to use the crazy analogy but I just don't expect people to understand or care at all, so why even try talking about it? Even here where people do understand I've only really opened up to one listener, and it took months to build up the courage just to send them a message. I'm happy I did, but I'm scared to talk to any other ones. Everyone has flaws and defects, this is true, but my thinking is I'm nothing but flaws and defects and the least I can do is keep them to myself. I can put up with, tolerate or even like other people's flaws and defects, but with my own I feel like others shouldn't have to deal with them. Bottling things up and putting on a facade, to me, seems like the courteous thing to do for other people. I don't even like me, why burden others? Even if I do have a thinking mind, which I disagree but that's not the point, my thinking is so poisoned by my mental illness that it really doesn't matter, my brain's a complete mess, I can't think like a normal human. Hell, half the time I barely even consider myself human because I feel so distant from them. That's why I just say I'm crazy. People understand crazy and it's pretty much true. I'm not calling anybody else here crazy, I'm talking about myself. Sorry for the long rambling post.