Trapped In My Mind
I honestly feel like Im trapped by my own mind. I over think everything, Im always unhappy and I can never just enjoy something. When I look in the mirror I feel like Im looking at a twisted distorted face, when I here people talking I hear the words ugly even when no one is talking about me. I wont go to games or anything because Im afraid of what people will think of me. My mind is just a huge cage and Im stuck I cant do anything without feeling anxiety, I get a panic attacks all the time and Im just tired. This all started freshman year of high school, before that I was pretty happy. Freshman year was the worst I was always crying, thinking I was ugly hating my self and felt useless. I had terrible thoughts and I wanted to hurt my self but I was scared... I didnt want to die but I didnt want well I dont even know. I was just so unhappy and I felt so alone. Even in my sadddness I managed to put on a mask for my friends who couldnt even tell something was wrong as I slowly but surely spiraled into a deep dark depression. My best friend was there for me but not my family. In fact my family made things worst, never trying to help me out; saying things that hurt me more. I had so many people around me but I still felt so alone.... I wonder, how does that work?
@Aloneeeeee
I am so sorry to hear you have been struggling so much. I can feel your pain and relate to a lot of what you have shared. Having those negative voices constantly screaming at you is exhausting. They can make us believe we are worthless and then they want us to keep it a secret. Keeping the pain a secret allows the voices to continue to torture us without getting help. Whether we label those voices as depression or other mental health conditions(not intending to diagnose) the important thing to remember is that it is not your fault. You haven't done anything wrong and you deserve to get the help you need. You are going through an incredibly painful time and what you're feeling is valid and it matters.
There is a YouTuber by the name of Kati Morton who is a licensed therapist. I will link some videos that I hope you find useful. Sending positive thoughts your way.
Anxiety: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=kati+morton+anxiety
Depression: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_loxoCVsWqzZv5mmk-Xw4IvoHRzc7ki4
Self esteem/worth https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=kati+morton+self+esteem
Hi @Aloneeeeee I am so sorry that you're feeling so very unhappy and alone but I'm glad you shared it with us. When we struggle with depression symptoms, it is usually the case that we gain little or no comfort from people around us - loved ones or friends - and it's often hard to open up to them. I may be easier to turn your insides out when you're among people who get how you feel.
I know you didn't ask for help with the negative thoughts that occupy your mind but I want to make sure you're aware that distorted and automatic negative thoughts are a common symptom of depression and there are useful techniques to help you overcome them. Black-and-white thinking, when our minds only seem capable of only thinking in terms of what isn't perfect in our lives, is a type of thought distortion. You can learn more about this and how to challenge these thoughts right here on 7cups and I'll leave you a link in case you're interested: https://www.7cups.com/depression-help-online/