You can rant here

hey there's just some things I need to do now. Like find my tax form from 2017 so I can send it to my application. And finish uploading a few of the documents to the website. it feels like a lot. But I can get it done! I CAN DO HARD THINGS.

Here's a pic of the succulents I spotted while walking at the lake.

A beautiful refreshing breeeaaathe.

Dear K,

6 months ago, you came out to me as transgender. Since then, you have made so many changes in your life and you seem infinitely happier. Im so proud of you for living your authentic life.

But at the same time, selfishly, Im upset about this change. Because its one that I desperately want to make in my life. Seeing you live openly as the man you are made me realize that that is all Ive ever wanted in my own life. I keep trying to tell you, but I just cant find the courage, and I know its pushing us apart, because I cant even look you in the eyes anymore. If theres anyone in the world I could tell, its you, but Im too ashamed to be honest, even with you. Im just so terrified youre going to judge me for handling it differently than you did, or that youll think Im faking. Im terrified to tell everyone but you, because youre the only one I trust to completely accept me no questions asked. Im terrified, because telling you makes it real.

What am I going to do?

Satisfaction. This word suddenly came to mind. What do I feel satisfied with in my life? The only answer I can think of, is my career. Other than my career, I'm not where I had imagined myself at this age.

Happiness. What is it like to be happy? Colleagues and friends tell me that I always look happy because I'm smiling, laughing or telling jokes. But no matter what they say about me being happy, I don't really feel that way. Like the word satisfaction, I'm only happy about my career, and what it means to me. I am not happy with being single, I am not happy when I see other people enjoying their lives (especially those who are happily married), I am not happy when others tell me I look happy. I just don't feel like a happy person.

Purpose. What is my purpose to be alive on Earth? Sometimes, I feel I'm invisible to others (referring to family more). Things I've done in the past because of my depression (being suicidal numerous times), I do not regret what I've done. Because to me, at that moment, it was the best option available for me. With me not feeling satisfied, happy, and without a purpose, sometimes I feel angry with myself as to why I went for help during my attempts. I did follow through a few times, ending up in hospitals. Of all the things I've gone through with my depression, after all these years (a little more than two decades), I still feel I'm in this alone~

A VENT (srry for bad english)

Am I that desperate?

- Probably

Being alone all the time doesn't bother me anymore, after all I deserve all the tragedy I have in my life. If you can even call that ''Tragedy''. Boo hoo, after all I'm just another girl with daddy issues and no purpose in this life...I'm writing this here bc I guess, these thoughts are too unbearable and I just want to finally get some sleep.

When you live in a loop for years, the fact of it being a brainless destraction from an existential crisis, waiting for you around the corner, becomes blurred. The only thing that stops you from ending it all is that you are so consumed by this routine, you can't have a second when you stop and think about how pathetic your existence really is. And oh, I've been there too. Standing in front of a mirror with a razor held next to my neck, crying, hesitating to feel the sweet taste of freedom. Being so numb that even feeling pain is better than this emptiness, that eats you from inside, like a black hole. The only thing that stopped me that day was my own weakness, I was too scared.

There is no way out. Nothing will ever help me, I realized it's not possible. I tried therapy, but every time I let someone listen to my crap for half and hour, afterwards, I felt even worse. Even when I still had that special someone to talk to, someone who would listen without a word of judgement... I stayed silent. Letting them drown in my ussless rants is the worst feeling of them all. But I still didn't manage to hold tight enough, and now they forgot me, as if I was just a bad dream. Pills? I dont need no drugs, especially when there isn't a prescription. Especially when there probably isn't anything wrong with me, but I just cant apreciate all the sacrifices people have made for me to be here. There is no problem, is there? I just created this for myself, am I right?

- Yes, I guess. I don't even know what to think anymore.

I remember this one man told me: ''If you keep being the way you are, soon you will be left with a desert surrounding you, noone will be there for you. You will be left alone'' - I guess he was right. You hear this, dada? You were right about me. I am an idiot, egotistical sociopath, just like you've always told me.

But again, the fact that I'm alone doesn't bother me anymore. It's that for one moth I got an opportunity to break from this routine. And there, in a country on the other side of the globe - I've found happiness. Every second felt like a celebration, every day felt worthy to wake up for. I even found a new special someone. They were kind to me, they were always there for me. It felt as if they really wanted to be with me, but what happened?

Was it something I said, something I did? Why did you start looking at me with discust, why did you stop hugging me, why did you become so cold and distant? Why did you leave me without a word? I know that it's something I did, but I just want to know what did I do wrong, so that I could stop missing you. I wouldn't care so much if only you didn't tell me that you still love me, but when I wanted to come to hug you, you pushed me away. That was the last day we ever had.

- I know that you will never tell me. Because you are too nice for that. That's why you told me that sweet lie. Because you're a nice guy :)

And here I am. When I came back home I couldn't stop crying for a whole week, took 6 sleeping pills a day, just so that I could stop weeping and get some rest. But in the end I was still falling asleep at 5 am and waking up at 4 pm and felt like crap. Now everything that's left is the same bitter emptiness. Because I realized that I still can be happy, but not here, not with this pathetic life on my hands. I am starting to look at that blood-stained rusty razor, even though I promised myself that I would throw it away. That's what this emptiness does to me. And I don't know if I will be able to hold on until school starts, so that I will get into this nightmare called daily routine and forget about my own existence.

I hate Mondays. I spend my weekends thinking about how productive I'm going to be during the next week, and I'll start by planning out the first day. And lately I've ended up screwing up everything that's productive and just sitting in front of my television or in front of my laptop, not doing the things I'm supposed to because I've lost interest or the energy I need to start what I have to.

I hate Mondays because when I screw up enough of them it makes the amount of things on my To Do list triple in size!

I found a trick to make myself do more in the days I'm home too much BORED. I run an errand. Get myself in the zone like a small grocery drive. Grab some frozen lasagna's personal size, ready-to-bake-cookies from the freezer, or run to a small shop I love browsing. When I drive back and place things away, I'm already in the mode to look at my list and tackle a few things!!

As time passes and I get older, everybody around me gets older as well. I am constantly viewing every situation like it is my last. Although I do that, I still do things that I regret and all I can think about while Im doing it is that in the future I am going to hate myself for acting a certain way or doing a certain thing. I think about the dwindling time I have left with my family and friends, and am consistently saddened by the idea that I am not valuing every second, but after all I am a normal human being. I get into arguments, and I get tired of people... In the end I just hate myself for not controlling my emotions and putting up a front. I am scared that I am going to regret the last moment I spend with someone. I am suffering from trauma and I am aware of it. I do not want to reach out because I feel as though it is unfixable and I will continue to waste time... I dont know what is wrong with me. I feel consumed by death. I want so hard to just be real with people and communicate with them, but I keep everything to myself to avoid saying something I will regret. I dont even know if this makes any sense, im sorry.

I feel scared, hated and lonely whole day and I hate doing anything or going out of my home.

I just came back to this website and seriously need this thread:

Like many others here , my life isn't being that kind to me.

Been diagnosed with scoliosis , that plus my other chronic health issues are making my life hell.

I have no support system whatsoever, in fact is the opposite. My dad is seriously mentally abusive. Thanks to him and previous bullying, I developed binge eating habbits.

I have no friends so can't exactly talk this out. Wouldn't even talk about this all the time just... 5 mins.

Just.. I'm filled with so much anger and pain. That I seriously don't know how to keep going.

I keep telling myself "one more day" and trying to be strong. But not sure what to do because I'm running out of excuses to stay around.

Ugh whenever I get depressed I often get super irritable and frustrated which means I absolutely cannot stand anyone trying to contact me or touch me or do anything that involves my participation. Even if I had a great night doesnt mean Im not free from having a depressive episode and does not allow you (parents) to invade my space when Im clearly moving away from your thing my headphones on at full volume. Do not touch me do not talk to me and do not try and make a joke out of it it really fucks me off. I know youre probably just worried about me and want to be close to me or whatever but please please take it into consideration that is not what is best for me right now and is not what I want. Just stop it its not making me feel any better. Leave me be.