You can rant here

Hadnt finished that post lol. Sorry just feeling unappreciated and small 😣

Another Rant from me:

I feel like the unwanted/extra on in my squad, If I can even call it that, like it feels like they talk to me when they run out of things to say to others and even if I say one word one of them tells me to shut the f up witch always makes me feel like my words don't matter. I mean sometimes I feel like I fit in but most of the time I don't. I only told one person about how I feel and they immidently hugged me saying that I am part of group no matter what but even with their encouraging words it only made me feel a little better.

I turned 31 this year already. I've been single for the last 12 years. From the last 5 years until now, all my same-aged friends back in high school are all married now. One girl even already has 2 kids. And here I am, still by myself. I really don't know whom to talk to, but I'm actually afraid that when I die, I'd be all by myself. No friends or family to see me off. Maybe no one would even know that I had died. I have an older brother, we're 4 years apart. Even he married 3 years ago and his wife turns out to be 10 days younger than me. About 7 years ago, I had attended church, and went to a fellowship group that met every week. I only went for about 6 months but stopped because in that group, everyone was in pairs. And it made me feel like an outcast, to be the very few single people. While there were others who were single, but they've been attending church for years already, so they fit in. But I was new, and I often felt left out. It was hard for me to see the couples being affectionate and close to each other.

I'm currently home alone, as parents left for a 3-week cruise. Weekends are hardest for me to pass. I really don't have any friends that I can just call and hang out with. I don't have any friends at all of that type. So weekends make me the saddest. Today was one of those days were I wish I was in a relationship.

I know that one of my brother's and his wife's friend is single. And from what I last heard, he's single. I've met him a few times, he seems like a great guy. Last July, my sister-in-law invited me on a hike. That guy and another friend of theirs went too. It was a very intense hike, climbing on rocks, steep staircases, it was very challenging. There are times where I knew he was behind me and I had a feeling he was there in case I slipped. (Probably just what I was thinking though and not what he felt). This guy is friends with my brother and his wife, he helped us move houses (we moved a lot, he helped 3 times) before my brother met his wife. I think it was this guy that introduced my brother to her during one Christmas party. Since they married, the wife plays badminton with that guy and two other friends at least 2 times a week. And I know that during weekends, maybe every other week or so, that guy will go to my brother's apartment for a meal. And sometimes if my sister-in-law has plans or is out-of-town on a conference for the weekend, that friend will spend time with my brother to keep him company.

Sometimes, I think that it'd be nice if my brother officially introduced him to me or vice versa. I don't mind that he's a couple of years older than my brother. I really think I need someone in my life. I want to feel loved and important, not just by immediate family members. But I do have a boring life, but I think it's because I don't have any friends. So, even during the weekends, I just stay home all day. It's okay for me now, because I'm doing a 4 month program and I have tests coming up. So with my parents away, I can easily focus and study on the weekends without interruption. I can even study during the evenings after I get home from my Practicum in a local hospital. But if I had a boyfriend we can spend time together and help me relieve stress and worries.

So, here I am. Feeling lonely and sad. So having a drink before bed~

I feel like I've gotten worse, yet my parents believe I need a better therapist. No, I know even with a therapist, I will continue to get worse because my mind has the freedom to think of ways to still harm myself like starving or self-harm in general. My mind cannot be free, I need to be sent to a mental hospital but they say for now "pretend" in college you're doing okay until we find a therapist. I can hold off and do that but I don't know how much longer, I fear I'm decaying in an alarming rate and something might happen soon if nothing has changed.

@wonderousSigns7

idk what heck am I doing with life

Ughhhhhhhhh

My best friend just left me for being depressed and he was the one that asked me to open up. The guy I was seeing left me for his ex and my family is so homophobic I m scared of telling them that their princess is queer af. Idk I'm just done with my life like this, I want to change it but I have no one to talk to and I hate talking about this to adults cause I always feel dumb and useless so yeah

Sick of being sick and parent complaining about everything I do even how I cough. Tired of being tired and so behind of academics as well as work and housework. Makes me feel depressed and overwhelmed. End of my rant. :)

I want to rant but I don't have the energy or know how to put my feelings into words.

I still feel hurt about being pushed away and treated like crap once people knew that I was depressed. Some people tell you they want to help you but then their first reaction to depression is to first protect themselves and lie to your face about why they are limiting you. It just reinforces many of my self-loathing and self-destructive beliefs. I'm taking therapy now, but I have a time figuring out why I need to change my beliefs if they are always true. I really intended to seek genuine help before and wanted to move on, but they broke my heart, so what's the point.