You can rant here

Hello guys, I just want to rant about how I cannot move along with teaching myself to speak Arabic! So frustrating and my family does not really understand my mental problems. Bye.

I'm so stressed out. I only see my kids on the weekends and my ex is not trying to make my life any easier. I hate that rate face bastard. I mean I'm so angry wish I never met him let alone married him. I thought I was over him but obviously he still has this hold over me. I'm still single that shit pisses me off. I'm sick of hooking up with different guys. I need some affection in my life.let me not start with my finances. That's whole mother story.

I was FUDGING HALLUCINATING and my parents once again wrote it off as 'just my anxiety acting up's because I could still contain conciousness and 'it wasn't that bad' because of that. I'm sorry it doesn't look convincing to you that there are Jaguars in the garden and storm clouds with lightning banging on my windows and my entire eyesight 'glitching' like a broken tv screen. No. My depression and anxiety aren't the worse. BUT WHETHER YOURE DROWNING IN 7 FEET OF WATER OR 20 FEET DOESNT MATTER! YOURE STILL DROWNING.

And heaven forbid I show them any emotion other than joy and happiness. I cant be sad without my parents getting angry at me because I have no reason to be sad and they cant deal with me when I'm in that state. So I have 2 points from this;

1. I HAVE A REASON TO BE SAD. I have depression. Telling me I have no reason to be sad is like telling someone with asma that they should be able to breathe because there's air in the room.

2. If you cant deal with me in this state you are pathetic. I deal with myself in this state all the time because you refuse to. I am so much stronger than you simply because I can handle myself. WE ARE SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL SIMPLY BECAUSE WE CAN HANDLE OURSELVES. Even if you think you cant fully handle yourself, you are here reading this comment. That should be proof enough that you can handle yourself.

Thanks for reading and letting me get some of this off my chest.

I've had depression for.. well.. almost all of my life really. For me a life without depression is hard to imagine since I grew up with it. I'm diagnosed with moderate depression. I tell people I'm emotionally dissociative because it's easier. Avoiding the spanish inquisition and that. I wasn't always that way, but recent years I've been more and more apathetic and I don't know how to get out of it.

My most recent therapist tried to help me, but even before we ended it due to my health, he hinted at me to stop because he felt like we made no progress. Why? Because I deflect and I'm as emotionally deep as if you were already lying on the floor and tried to fall on it. Basically: As flat as a pancake - except pancakes are edible and therefore the floor fits better since floors are dull in comparison to the wondrous pancake.

My mother has pushed for me to go to a child trauma therapist and is pushing again. But I'm not sure if I should go. I'm visiting her now and I've been reflecting on some things. My memory is horrid due to maybe the past, maybe undiagnosed health issues (my doc is horrid and believes I'm trying to trick the system), maybe just because I am that way? Who knows. But I've been thinking I might be dissociative? I might be more than just depressed? Should I give it one more try before I give up on all professional help? This will be like.. the 3rd official attempt I guess.

Sorry for the long rant. And I hope everyone is doing well.

my feelings are really hurt because of Mom

My Mom doesn't like it when Dad, my sister and I yell and hurt either each other's feelings/Mom's feelings.

While the last time my sister was here (Sunday of last week the 24th not the 31st)- she told Mom "She hates coming home because the house looks like a dump". So she's coming home sometime this afternoon.

When I went downstairs at 1am last night to go to bed.. Mom was sweeping the back-hall, the kitchen, and the front room (for all I know Mom also did the family room when I wasn't around). This morning I got up I noticed she was doing the library and when I was in the shower she did the upstairs hallway. When I was going to coming up to the library it looked like she was going to vacuum the library which would have meant I couldn't be able to be up here-vacuum+me don't mix- but she couldn't. When I was going to go downstairs for lunch Mom was doing the bottom half of the L shaped stairs we have and Mom yelled at me for wanting to come down "YOU WANT TO COME DOWN DON'T YOU?" and "DON'T YOU DARE KNOCK THE DUSTPAN ON YOUR WAY DOWN". When I tried to make a litte joke (asking if we should roll out the red carpet) she said "Since I'm not helping in anyway she didn't need me being snippy"

She's acting the EXACTLY the same way that she hates US (Dad/Sister/I) acting.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeajsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The funny thing is that I have a degree in Psychology and I am a counsellor, but I am in a dead marriage where I am threatened with suicide if I divorce. Very little (if any) of my needs are met. So due to my empathetic nature and career I have to stick it out to keep my authenticity legit. It is killing me slowely. We have been divorced before, but I was gently manipulated in remarrying. He's got no where to go. I can't throw him out, but my soul is dying.

So I woke up upset, sad, or depressed. I don't know but I went to sleep the same and woke up. I called out of work and just didn't want to get out of bed. When I'm like this I don't want to talk or eat. I just want to be left ALONE. But my sister comes and yells at me saying "You should be grateful you wake up. And have a roof over your head. It's all temporary. I always have to say this to you and I feel like I have to yell at you to get it to you." When that's not the case. I'm always grateful for what I have. This living situation was supposed to be temporary three years ago. We are in the same situation. I'm at my grandmas retirement apartment. We can't be here especially for three years. I don't even want to live anymore. How can I be grateful for waking up. I just want to..not wake up. I'm just tired of everything. And when she's upset I leave her alone because I know how it feels, but the other way around she yells at me. :/ idk I just want our own house but who knows. Even with a house I probably still don't want to live.

Ever since quarantine I've felt so alone. My parents fight a lot and our relationships are rly passive aggressive and I text and FaceTime my friends but it's just not the same. My best friend is a year older than me and she's graduating high school in two days and I can't give her a hug in her cap and gown. My depression has gotten so much worse, too. I can't stop crying, I've started keeping a tally of how many times a day I cry and the average is about 12. Idk even tho I'm on antidepressants sometimes it doesn't feel like they're working anymore. What I wouldn't give to go back to the day before quarantine and just spend one more minute in a library, in a classroom, in my school's theatre, in a dance class. I miss the world, but I know nothing can go back to how it was.

I had just started to get my mental health back on track after a few years of sinking deeper and deeper. i felt better than i had in literal years. i had a therapist, and i was studying actively, i was set to do sports again (funnily enough that stopping wasn't depression related, i just broke the same bone in my foot twice in a year and had to wait for the go ahead of a doctor), i was reading again, i felt alive. it hurts just to think about it.

Then quarantine hit, and i thought, i can do this. i can concentrate on some other hobbies (world of warcraft which i took up during my 12 weeks in a cast in 2019, and cooking my way through a whole cookbook for example), while activley working on my mental health and doing some things for uni.

That went well. My boyfriend stopped his antidepressants without talking to his psychiatrist or me. He has insomnia, which has been getting worse and worse. i have trouble getting im out of bed in time for a late lunch around 3-5pm. He thinks it's the same it has always been and his mental health and sleeping habits/problems haven't declined. Which is absolute bullshit. He was always a night owl, preferring to study at night, going to sleep around 2 am and getting up around 10-12 am. That was nice actually, and didn't bother me. We each had a few hours to ourselves, because i am (at least when i don't have a really bad episode) an early bird.

However, by now he 'needs' 15 hours of sleep. And refuses to get up because he is still tired and you should sleep when you are tired. Well yes. But within reason and not when it's depression sleep.

Because of that I am worried about him, he also more or less refuses to get professional help, I am stuck with most of the household, because in between sleeping 15 hours a day and depression he doesn't do anything. Time actually spent together is basically non existent, I get virtually no support from him, and all the energy i wanted to put into my mental health and my studies is spent trying to get him to seek help and accept help and keeping our apartment from becoming unhygenic. He refuses to try ANY advice from sleep experts, namely 'set a schedule and do your best to stick to it'. Not, he tries and has a hard time and fails. He just doesn't want to. Because, you know, he's fine. He is studying and gaming and he resolved his existential dread.

Meanwhile i'm back to having a hard time remembering to take my meds, my concentration/attention span is down to about 5 min unless I am hyperfixating, thinking about my dream course of study gives me an anxiety attack, and the only reason I remember which day it is is the raid schedule on my world of warcraft server. Which is appearantly my new coping mechanism, along with reading everything i can find and watching bridal gown shows.