You can rant here

Jeeez. This will surely lift the weight off of my shoulders.

I mainly want to rant about an interaction I had today with people in my household.

I was out with my partner getting lunch and stumbled into a pet store. They didn't have many pets available for adoption...no rabbits, guinea pigs, rats but they had hamsters. On their sign it said they have to be adopted in pairs! - fine by me. So I ran around the shop looking at cages, hay, hides, toys but remembered I have to ask my parents first (I'm old enough to move out but can't just yet) which makes me feel like a child to begin with. So anyways...I head home with the little babies in mind, in hopes that I'd come back for them later.

I had to wait until my dad got home first to ask because he's the hardest to get to say yes to anything. When he got in, I spent at least an hour trying to pluck up the courage to ask. I took medication, did some deep breathing activites and even looked at advice online about how to stay calm in these situations. When I asked, he laughed.........straight up laughed in my face and said "f**k knows". I almost broke down and fell to the floor out of anxiety, embarrassment and shame really :(

Moments went by and he's googling general information about them along with what's bad about them in order to convince me otherwise.

He came back asking rude questions about my integrity. Things like, "have you even read about them?". Not to mention him stating half-right facts:

1. "They bite you know" - OF COURSE. I followed with yeah, at first and once he realised I had done my research, he went back on his fact and said yeah, they need to get used to their environment first.

That just SCREAMED "I'm emotionally manipulating you because I can't say no"...trying to convince me they're bad so I no longer want them...awful.

2. "They run SOOOO loud on their wheel at night" - yep because they're nocturnal animals, what do you expect? also, you can lubricate their wheel or simply buy one designed to be quiet. STOP acting as if you're suddenly an expert on these animals when you didn't know what they were 5 min agooooo, thank u.

There were other comments like "I'm not touching them", "what happens if you drop them and they run off?" - Not pick them up from a high height and have them in a play pen...duh? I don't remember too many comments but it seemed very much a ploy to deter me from wanting animals. And as a result, I felt VERY much like I was an idiot, who can't take care of animals or don't understand how to train them....almost like a child. It was awful.

What's funny is that previous weeks, I asked for a dog...animals help with my anxiety and I'm home all of the time but was met with a no for no reason other than they didn't want to have it around. I feel trapped here and as though I can't make my own decisions. I just want to have animals, if I want animals. It's crazy that I still have to request other people's permission for my own life choices, especially at my age.

If I stay here for one more year, I'll have a lot of money for the future but soemtiems it's too hard to stay. There are days when I feel like my anxiety and sadness is bigger than I am. Almost as though it's a tall, slender and dark figure, towering over me in the night, strong winds outside with the moonlight casting tree shadows into my room. That's what anxiety is to me and when I moved out for a brief year, I managed to control this figure and I began feeling so confident and happy. But, I've had to move back for this year and the figure feels bigger than ever & is passing me more anxiety symptoms than I could ever have imagined. I feel defeated. Constantly.

With me often feeling worthless, invaluable and deserving of misery. Each day I'm met with awkwardness, anxiety and emotionally manipulative comments. And I've started speaking up but I've overheard them talking negatively about me, keeping things from me and generally just going quiet whenever I enter the room. Heck, I can't even make food without being spoken to like a child, condecending and in a negative tone. All while, them posting on facebook about me constantly (positively) saying how proud they are etc. etc. to get comments and attention from my success because they have nothing they can post about themselves for. It's been like this my whole life but it only gets more and more tiring.

And I hold respect for myself in the sense that I don't accept negative comments, I deflect any judgemental comments and I wish they'd notice that just because they do that to each other and I've taken them in the past, I do not accept for anyone to treat me this way. It still affects me but I hold greater respect for my body, mind and hold confidence in my ability to tackle the world. There have been points in my life where my mum wanted me to go to the worst college in the area, instead of the best in the area because that's what she wanted....hindering success?? hmm..

All I feel is jealousy, spite and hate because I'm doing better than they are. I know people would expect their parents to want their kids to do better than they are but hey..they HATE IT. And by saying no to things I would love and adore in my life, they feel like they have some control over something. I don't even feel like a person to them but a toy that's rebelling against what they want me to be - which is fine - but I'll never forgive them for it. Afterall, my nan raised me and I'm proud of that. While they worked all day and never spoke to me, my nan helped me. I think this might be why none of us are bonded or at least why it's a one-sided bond anyway. I cannot stand any fake love displayed from them, I see right through it. There's no going back or creating a bond. Sometimes I wish they had more children so they can get off of my back and I don't have to care for them later on.

I'll say this now and forever thoughout my life...just because they're family doesn't mean you owe them anything if they don't show you respect. FAMILY is not a be all or end all. So to anyone who feels this way too, I'm assuming it'll get better but I cannot wait to cut them off slowly. It'll be so freeing and I truly believe my anxiety and sadness will fade, I will become more confident and happy after doing so.

I hate when emotionally manipulative people try and use their relationship to you in anything to get what they want. They do not have a right to touch you, they do not have a right to put you down and hey, they don't have a right to be in your life. They do not own you but they will definetely try to act that way, just know that there will be an end to the misery, i swear.

I doubt anyone has read this but I hate home and that's perfectly okay. I'm just hoping to find freedom soon.

I just need everything to stop. Please. I need my mum to get off my back. I know she's just trying to help but it feels like she's trying to push me when I'm up against a brick wall. She knows that I think I have depression and anxiety and when I told her I thought she'd be more understanding but she keeps saying things that make my illness sound like it's my fault, or that I'm just not trying to get rid of it when really I'm trying my hardest but it's hard. Really hard. She makes it sound like only the people around me are trying to help me and that I need to help myself too, but I'm trying to. She says that I can feel however I want and when I'm annoyed or mad I'm welcome to feel that way but then she tells me off for not being a decent human being or not talking to anyone when in reality I'm mad and I don't want to say something I don't mean. I need my dad to get off my back about not doing anything or not having any passion. I need my schoolwork (even though I'm homeschooled) to give me a break. I need the world to stop spinning. I need everything to stop. I just feel like everything is closing in on me and everything anyone says is just more pressure to fix myself or do something or get rid of my mental illnesses or stop being rude when I can't help it or let out my feelings more or talk to people. I just need everything to stop. Just give me a break. Just give me a minute. I'm trying. I swear.

My dad is fucking JERK. Look I can tell a Lot of stories about Dad being a JERK. But the last couple of days I'm sick of HIM AT THE MOMENT.

Past summers my family normal would have the windows open during the day and close them at night. Well this summer we're doing the opposite. Everything is fine unless DAD GOES INTO MY ROOM.. Like today right after Supper I asked Mom if I should go upstairs and open the windows Mom said to wait until 9pm. I go upstairs at 9 for my normal business and to open up the windows and DISCOVER DAD HAS ALREADY DONE IT. Due to Dad been 6feet 2in tall he kinds of lowers the windows a bit TOO much in my sister's and my rooms (and Mom and I are just about maybe 5'5 like just above average height) so its a bit more of a changellenge to close the windows when he has them so low. Not only that but he once AGAIN "stretched" the left side of my curtian so much and it wasn't fixed from the LAST TIME (ie either Friday or Saturday) but Mom just fixed it right now. I mean neither the head of my bed nor the windows are stages for some play..(THAT IS HOW WIDE DAD HAD MY CURTIANS BOTH TIMES) it just after the FIRST TIME the very left side of the left curtian was not "flat" which meant sunlight coming into my bedroom on that side and that's not helping if someone (ie ME) is trying to go back to sleep at 7-8am in the MORNING. This time, not only did he had to have my curtian "stage wide" but he ALSO had turned the fan towards the window facing up and put it on "not moveable" which meant I had to PLAY with it to get it back to where I needed it to be for MY reasons (ie for me sleepy time)

I can rant plenty of stories about my Dad since I can't "Let It GO" despite people telling me I should, about past grudges about Dad. Starting from around (2001) and going until LAST NOV.

i just need someone to talk to - do things with [ keep my miind off other things @wonderousSigns7

Hey, am new around here,
Its been a less than few years since losing my great granny and its been her who has been there always to share wisdom and get enlightened from her experiences at crisis times. She has helped me grow to the person I am, and at times when I was stuck with a problem or being confused about making right decisions, she was round the clock to offer hands. I couldn't equate a balance since losing her and its been a chaos in the family since then.

I have resposibilites, I am moving on but still, i couldn't seek wisdom and share life, like the times when she was around.

She was to me, like Uncle Iroh to Zuko, or like Roku, Kyoshi, Kuruk etc for young protagonist Aang of Avatar: The Last Airbender. Wish she could share thoughts and enlightens like those days thorugh my dreams. Yet the world has other plans!

Thanks for your time and patience :)

I've been feeling more down than usual. It can be how I haven't been going on walks lately or my inability to focus. I feel stress coming from what feels like nowhere, but I can hopefully get through this soon enough.

These past few days Ive been so anxious, stressed and so overwhelmed by my doubts about a certain person. I keep getting scared and feeling uncomfortable by these doubts, but i really meed to remind myself that these intrusive thoughts and doubts are not real at all, they feel real because of the amount of attention i give to the thought. And i really just need to stop overthinking everything, i dont wanna ruin any relationships i have with this doubt of mine. Ugh I wish i could just forget these things and just move on. I hope you all have a good day.

Hi

I don't feel really fair to complain here I really have everything in life compared to most of you. But still I want to rant for a second because surprise suprise I'm worried. I know I'm not considered exactly strong and someone you would like to be friends with I'm not nice I'm hiper critical to myself and others and I make my own life a lot harder than it really could be. I'm kind of bitchy sometimes, and I carve approval. It is not self deprecation just honesty. I want to change I think that counts as something, still its very hard. What stops me a lot is shame that it is who I am, and fear that this is all I will ever be. That this is as who I show myself as. I hope I will develop more healthy outlook of who I am and I will be able to be someone you would like to be friends with not avoid. I hope you stay healthly ❤️

I am so worried that today will be the day it happens

I feel like shit. I just blocked my last family member from sending me emails. This sister is nasty, a person with a substance abuse problem, someone who twists everything up, and is a mental abuser of me. I am sick of her. I am not going to lose sleep over her. I am not going to let her hurt me again, no matter if she says i can live with her and I am struggling to live by myself. I think she only wants me to live with her because she needs a punching bag.