You can rant here

I have such low self esteem. I don't even know why my boyfriend is with me. There's much beautiful girls out there. Girls with prettier bodies and much more in common yet he's in love with me. Why. Sometimes i'm just so unhappy with myself. I'm constantly comparing myself to other girls and i can't help it. And when he's talking to his girl friends and such i just get really self conscious about myself. What if he starts to develop feelings for them. Or realizes im not for him. Idk. I just had to rant. I hate these thoughts. I'll just continue to cry about it before bed but yea. I wish i could be happy with myself some times. I hate feeling sad or unworthy.

I much rather try to support my ex with his depression now. Took me a while to say, but its true neither of us are in a good place. I know his hopelessness isn't forever, but its extremely easy to feel the unpredicable reality for someone trying to support someone whose just going thru stuff. I can only be patient for his health. And MOST importantly take care of mine cause my well being matters too.

I don’t know if this is just me but has anyone ever been hurt like a lot all your life. Since my childhood I have been hurt by the people closest to me. I don’t know what it’s about me that makes people want to rip my heart out and stomp on it with combat boots multiple times but somehow I seem to always get treated as if I’m like this feeling-less being that can just be used and thrown away. It’s somehow also always people who I have considered to be friends. I really have been disappointed and used and hurt a lot and It’s taken me a pretty long time to realize it.

So I guess thanks? I am now left with major trust and abandonment issues. I feel sad and lonely everyday and It takes a lot for me to keep going with life and I don’t even know for who. They always say it gets better but I thought once it got better but then it went 10x worse.

I am really lost right now, I have nobody and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to talk about my feelings and there isn’t really anyone that I can talk to, I just feel pain and sadness and anger as to why I keep getting hurt even though I don’t hurt anybody.

I hate everything I just want the pain to end...

All I Hear In My Head Are These Same Three Messages: Your A Failure, You Are Worthless, And No One Will Ever Love You

Please Just Make It Stop!!!

So now my posts are disappearing. Oh hell, everything is wrong. I am so low I feel like offing myself. I don't know how much lower I can get. Right now the only thing I am alive for is the cat Chloe. and I have nothing to pull me up. Please pray for me.

I have, again, a growing feeling of making all my decisions wrong.

Friends, studies, profession, hobbies... Which led me to feel lonely and miserable.

That same feeling keeps me away from people I think are good and from improving myself in various ways, it's like a cage I have the key but I am afraid of getting out

* TRIGGER WARNING! *

What I've been going through has been enough to make me cuss if I could. To make a long story short, I have clinical depression, anxiety, stress, nostalgia, health issues, insomnia, and I'm homebound. This has been going on for years, and it doesn't seem to show any signs of slowing down. I'm also extremely sensitive and I have a very short fuse, hence my wanting to cuss if I could.

I have a very strong attachment to my childhood days and I hate how much things have changed since then. I used to have a reasonably normal life during my childhood in the 1980s, although not everything was great. I had to face bullies and at least one very traumatic experience before the decade ended. That involved me nearly drowning in a lake while I was in Maine for vacation. If it hadn't have been for my cousin who was watching me that day, I would likely not be here today. She got my grandfather on my mom's side of the family and he revived me.

I was playing with a speedboat tied up on the side of the dock when I fell into the lake. I couldn't...and still can't...swim, and the water was well over my head. Fill in the blanks.

I mentioned bullies, but I forgot to mention my strict, stern stepfather as well as my dad who, at that time, had some rough patches in his own life that he sometimes took it out on me. He and mom were divorced when I was very young, perhaps while I was just an infant. I don't remember when they divorced, but I was told that I was very little. Dad used to be a heavy drinker and would buy beer each weekend to drown his sorrows after the divorce.

Those were some bad memories. But, I also had a lot of very good memories of my childhood. In fact, the good memories outweigh the bad memories so much that I keep wishing to go back to those days again. I remember going on road trips and vacations with both sides of my family. Often, I used to read road maps during our journeys, even to places we already knew how to get to.

Christmas and Winter had a lot of very good memories. I remember when my older sister would wake me up on Christmas morning and we would open up our stockings before we woke mom and my stepfather. I always loved opening up our stockings and finding many small items that I loved. Sometimes, it was gum. Sometimes, it was candy. Sometimes, it was small toys and other trinkets. But, it was all so good. Of course, it didn't stop with just our stockings. We also had many presents wrapped under and near the Christmas tree. We usually took turns opening one at a time until the last present was unwrapped.

At my dad's house, Christmas was also very good. I remember enjoying the Christmas music that played on the record player. I remember the decorations and the lights. I remember being together with both sides of my family in those days. We listened to classic vintage carols from the 1950s to the 1970s. Most often, it was two albums...White Christmas from Living Strings & Living Voices and The Little Drummer Boy from the Harry Simeone Chorale. Another thing I also loved about that time of year was going around town to look at the many lighted houses at night. But, none were as spectacular as the enormous Christmas Village in Pennsylvania. That place was beyond gorgeous!

I also remember playing in the snow at other times in Winter. While I enjoyed looking for animal tracks in the snow, the most fun I had was sledding down a steep, snowy hill. Walking back up to the top was quite a workout for me, but it was worth it to slide down to the bottom again...and again. It was nice to have cold and snowy Winters in those days. Of course, there were exceptions...one of which was one Christmas Day when it was warm enough to wear shorts and T-Shirts. But, such warm Winters were flukes in those days.

Autumn was also very nice in those days. Halloween was always my favorite and I loved to go trick or treating in my costumes. One year, I dressed up as the Headless Horseman from Sleepy Hollow. Another year, I dressed up as a flying Pteranodon. I don't remember what I dressed up for Halloween on any of the other years, though. But, even before Halloween itself, I loved October when pumpkins and apples were in-season. I loved helping my family make a jack o' lantern just before Halloween. I loved watching the leaves change colors and dance in the wind.

Let's not leave out November while we're in Autumn. While most of the leaves were done changing and dropping to the ground back in the 1980s (and also the 1990s) when November began, it was still fun to play in the piles of leaves. I loved watching the first snowflakes of the season come down from the sky during that month in those days.

Of of the best traditions that my mom's side of the family had in November was the big Thanksgiving hike to build up our appetites for the big feast later that day. We used to go to a variety of places to go on our hikes. Some were wet and cold. Others were downright frigid and windy with some snow on the ground. And, being the kid I was, I often complained about having runny noses and feeling "too cold". But, looking back on that now, I wish I could do it all over again. I miss those hikes...and the big feast, itself.

I also remember going to the Somerville train station when I lived in Somerville, New Jersey during the "good old days". Usually, I did this alone at night. I loved watching the trains that used to come and go there back then. I also loved watching the lights on the distant train tower change from green to yellow and then, to red. I did this before and after a train came and went.

I'm telling you. I could write a novel on the many things from my childhood that I miss and how much fun those days were. But, this post is long enough as it is. I hope it's not too long to be posted here, and I'm sorry if I bored anyone who reads it. But, I hope it gives you some idea of why I long for those days again and why I'm miserably upset that I'm not able to go back. I cry when I hear some songs from the 1980s. In fact, this could also apply to other decades as well, although nothing from 2000 or later.

That reminds me of another memory. On New Year's Eve at the end of 1999 when 2000 was about to start, I remember feeling very nervous and tense as the ball dropped. Everyone else was excited and cheering, but I felt like something really bad was going to happen once we entered the 21st century. I didn't know why at the time, but looking back on it, I realized that I must have had a bad premonition about this century we're currently in. Indeed, bad things have happened in the 2000s and beyond.

September 11, 2001...I don't think I need to explain this one.

December 26, 2004...Does anyone remember the big earthquake and resulting tsunami that tilted the Earth off its axis?

Autumn, 2007...This is when I came down with a mysterious illness that no doctor could ever identify.

Summer, 2008...I got stung by a large black wasp one evening in July. That resulted in a very large area that swelled to nearly six inches across and was a deep reddish-purple color. Naturally, I got antibiotics from the doctor for that. But, that was the first time I realized that I was allergic.

August, 2011...Hurricane Irene struck the Mid-Atlantic and caused a lot of damage and power outages.

October, 2011...The big blizzard struck the same region while most of the leaves were still on the trees. That was a lot of fun, too...NOT!

October, 2012...Superstorm Sandy. Enough said!

Winter, 2013 - 2014...This is when I became homebound and never went outside for fun again. The only rare times I've been out since then were for the occasional doctor appointments, shopping with my dad, or just being outside with my dad on the same night as any of my doctor appointments. But, the real fun times of my life were gone. And, to this day, it remains the same.

I knew that night on New Year's Eve just when 2000 was about to begin that bad things were coming, although I didn't know exactly what was coming. I just knew things were going to get a lot worse without knowing just how much worse.

I want my old life back...back in the 1980s and, to a somewhat lesser degree, the 1990s. I had much more fun in those two decades than I've had since this century began. I lost most of my family that I had been with during that time. Even my grandparents on my dad's side of the family, whom I loved so much and was very close to, are gone. Grandma passed in 2017 and grandpa passed in 2018...both in the same month - November.

Knowing that death happens to all of us at some point frightens me more than anything. I know my time is coming. I don't know when or how, but I know it's coming...and it terrifies me. What will happen to me when it's my turn to pass on? What will the afterlife be like? Do you know when I was first terrified of dying? I was 9 years old in the Summer of 1988 when this fear of turning 10 years old made me scared of dying. Here I am at 41 years old and it still scares me. This is why I hate my birthdays now. They are another reminder that I'm getting closer to the end of my time.

Between losing so many loved ones and knowing that it will be my turn someday is, perhaps, the biggest reason why I want to return to my childhood again and be that young boy I used to be. I hope this site lets me post all of this. Please, don't delete it. It means a lot to me.

My mum's birthday is early December. Over dinner tonight, she said that as her birthday wish, she wants us to try for a month to take care of ourselves. In a sense that she only cook meals for herself and dad, while she wants my brother and I to cook for ourselves, buy our own groceries, etc. Let's just say that ever since this pandemic started, I have not once gone out for groceries or any other public place. I've only been going to work (essential worker) and being home. I've cooked for myself before, as before the pandemic, and when my brother had moved out, my parents went on cruises that lasts more than a month long. I would go buy groceries after my shift or go out on the weekends. Now, I'm a bit paranoid about going to public places like to get groceries. I'm currently constantly sighing, just thinking about it is stressful enough. I'm blasting my music in my headphones, with my computer room door closed. This has suddenly made me feel emotional and the stress is really getting to me. All this sighing is making my chest heavy. I can feel that this stress will interfere with my sleep at least for tonight.. we'll see how long this will last.. I'm doomed. I'd rather starve now than go out for groceries..

I used to think I was emotionally numb (except for shame and guilt). Everything else is nothing. I can't identify anything. I can't empathise with anyone. I go to group therapy and hear what other poeple are going through and I just don't care. I want to though. It makes me feel like a piece of s--t.

There's a heaviness in my chest and the closest emotion I can relate it to is sadness. But 'sadness' just seems like a word to me.

I really want to cry it out but can't. I'm tired.

Been on suicide watch for quite a while now.

I've been treating every day like it's my last day on earth. I've been mostly indulging myself in things that I love doing like playing games, watching videos while contemplating on doing other stuff.

I'm just waiting for death/something to kill me at this point. I'm just not made for this life. In Dark Souls's terms, I've become a fucking hollow. Mindless beings roaming around the world like zombies.

Hell, I feel like my intelligence has dropped significantly as of late. I've been told that I'm a "gifted/intelligent person" by my parents and teachers; yet I've been prone to forgetting things easily, forgetting how to form proper sentences and sometimes outright not even bothering with expressing myself fully.