You can rant here

My life feels like it's been falling apart. My parent's divorce is getting ugly, my boyfriend (the only rock in my life that lives in England, I'm from the US) is severely depressed and is suicidal, my classes are stressing me out beyond repair, my mom is struggling mentally to try and handle things with my dad, my family exposed me to COVID on Thanksgiving, so I had to cut my clinic rotation short this semester (I'm also immune-compromised so yay), and I'm still trying to be positive and supportive. IT'S. SO. HARD. I am tired, physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm just tired. I have a bad case of burnout, and emotionally I am 95% dead inside. One of my friends told me that her uncle (a man I knew) had just died from COVID, and I felt NOTHING. I feel like a broken robot trying to spit out supportive messages and complete assignments that somehow trick everyone into thinking I'm okay. I just want a break. I want this pandemic to be over, I want to see my boyfriend and let him know everything is going to be okay, I want my dad to stop being an a$$ hat and be a decent person for once in his life. I want to graduate and be done with classes, one semester left, and I don't even know how I'll make it when everything is crumbling around me with every step I take.

Has anyone else tried being the "good child"? I have it trust me when I say it seems to mean nothing. I'm the 3rd oldest out of 7 kids and growing up my two older siblings weren't the best role models or kids. So to make it easier for my parents I was the "good child". I got good grades, I tried my best to behave (especially in public/school), and helped with my younger siblings. Of course they were happy with me for a time, but then since it was expected I'd act right I got overlooked. Proudly attending school functions and acknowledging my rewards soon turned into "that's just Treble doing what she does" and no more attendances from my parents. Events like this as I got older became a nuisance, an interruption in everyone elses schedule "why does it have to be so late" "How long is it". I guess at 22 and a freshman in college I'm stilling reeling from the lack of support and their still reeling from the fact that the good child didn't go straight to college from high school.

I just woke up from a horribly vivid dream.

I dreamt I was in a chatroom. I eventually started talking to a person my ago who was kind, intelligent and good looking. His surroundings were calming. There was art hanging in the background, nice music playing and everything was tidy and neat. We talked until I realized he was hacking my computer. He took over my mouse and messed with my files. I kept trying to ask him why he was doing this, I couldn't understand his intentions. He was witty and kind towards me the whole time he went through my personal files.

I panicked and performed a hard restart on my computer. But when it booted back up, he was still in control of my computer. He told me to delete some files, which I knew wasn't right, but I did anyway. I just wanted to know his intentions. I panicked again after deleting the files and turned the computer off and tried finding someone who could help me. No one could.

The man ended up getting enough information about me to find out where I lived and he showed up with a group of people and robbed me, while I sat there, confused, humiliated and vulnerable. He was nice about the whole situation. I asked him "why"? And he responded "some people are just treated badly".

After I woke up, it was easy for me to place where this dream came from. The feelings of humiliation, confusion, vulnerability and the feeling of being robbed come from a therapist I saw for a while. He was kind the whole time he confused and hurt me. I guess bad things just sometimes happen.

well i mean.. im a joke uk.. im actually a stupid mf joke.. like ay yo.. why do people just end up breaking me like this always.. idek wht to say to myself.. i hate myself sm.. like.. ayyo.. i get ignored.. nd get all those attitude for somethin tht the other person did? wow aight.. i'll take it.. uky? coz i dont wanna lose them.. wow pls dont reply to tis post.. ok nvm.. i just.. hv to do nothing nd never ask anything ever again.. evn tho ik i will ask... k bye

I feel mentally sick. I don't like the life that I have. Please don't say I have the power to change it. That is bullshit for poor people with mental problems, like me. The life I was handed is the life I have to take. Absolutely no choice in the matter. That is if I want a roof over my head. If I want to live in my little cat, then yes, I have the power to change my life. Not such a wonderful power, is that?

So for some reasons whatever anti depressants or anti anxiety ( except Xanax ) and mood stabilizers I have put on , none has any effects on me. Except makes me feel even more worse . I have hard few months trying different meds and no success at all So I decided to go cold turkey with the meds. I am Now able to get out off bed earlier than 12:30 noon. And that's a huge progress However I am suffering from withdrawal symptoms and oh god that's painful again . I don't understand those making these medicines liek what do they really do ? Mix in all the powders and form them into capsules and tablets? So why add an ingredient that has side effects ? Where is the ingredient only needed to help us live through our day. Jsut that one ingredient. Aargh makes me so mad !

I fking hate my life. Nothing seems to go right . At times I feel like I am cursed or something .

My oh my I didn't realize depression can cause someone to be so emotionally distant. I now get a little more understanding and trying my best to be patient because I know he doesn't do it on purpose. It just can be overwhelming at times...

I just feel exhausted from dealing with depression for so long.I just wanna try and be more positive and hopeful but it's so hard.I think sharing like this is at least a little bit helpful.

So I've been thinking a lot about my depression lately, in particular about when and how it started and I feel like I just have get it off my chest. Also maybe some people can relate to my story or learn from it hopefully.
First of all, the last memory that comes to my mind about being happy and careless was around the age of 12. I'm 23 now so that was a long-long-long time ago, it feels like forever. I'm pretty sure I've had mild depression by 14 cuz on my first day of middle school I didn't feel anything. I was supposed to be excited because I went to a new school: new classmates, new teachers, new environment but it just felt like another regular day for me.
Second of all, I was quite chubby and I had acne on my face when I was a teenager so I didn't have much self-confidence. I decided that "I will fix myself" because I thought it'll make me feel way better. I started to excercise and eat less but I couldn't lose weight. (Later, it turned out I have a thyroid disorder and since I started to take meds I lost almost 20kgs and I'm at a healthy weight now.) I also wanted to get rid of the acne so I went to a dermatologist. Worst person I've ever met, he treated me like sh#t but I was happy that I finally got some form of medical help. He put me on pills that were quite strong with a lot of unpleasant side effects. For example it not only dried my skin but my eyes, nostrils, etc. I couldn't wear contact lenses anymore because they would've damaged my eyesight. The doc only informed me about the dry skin and nothing else, the contact lense thing turned out by accident like 3 months into the process. I read the user manual of the acne meds at home and guess what was listed in the "less common side effects" section? Bingo...depression. Also I was basically forced to take birth controll pills because the achne meds would've damaged the fetus if I became pregnant somehow. (Even tought I told my doctor that I wasn't sexually active at the time and I wasn't planning to be in the near future. I was like 15, still a virgin.) If someone is not familiar with the fact: birth controll pills can also cause depression.
It took a long time for me to actually realize that I have a mental illness and it's not something that is just a part of my personality. The main reason is that mental illnesses are still considered taboos and we don't talk enough about them so it can be difficult to identify them. Plus for me there was an extra element: the symptoms of the thyroid dysorder mimic the symptoms of depression: having low energy, having difficulties with concentration, insomnia, discomfort, etc.
Long story short: if you are considering taking medication for acne or going on birth controll pills, please ask your doctor to inform you about the possible side effects. If you know you are susceptible to depression, think twice about taking those meds because they can really f#ck you up mentally. Believe me, having acne is still better than having severe depression.