help me im going back to what i used to be
Before I met my boyfriend I used to be depressed and always feel like I don't belong. Like I don't have a purpose in life. When I met him I consider him as a reason for me to live. Someone to care for me and make me smile. Now he wants to break up with me after being together for more than two years and I'm going back to what I used to be. I am getting back to my old ways like thinking about dark thoughts, about just ending it all. I know that I made a mistake and that I am always mad at him and that we always get into fights. I just wish that I could turn back time though. Last time after talking to him about him leaving me he caught me cut myself. I begged him not to leave me to give me another chance. He asked me why would I do that? I told him that I'd rather feel the pain from the cut than the pain inside me. It hurts so bad though. I don't know what else to do because all I think about now are ways to end my life. I'm sorry.
Hi, justme1989. Breakups are terrible--one of the most emotionally painful human experiences ever. I've never handled them very well. I'm sorry you're going through one now.
It's important to remember that you have always been the same person. Sure, we all grow and change throughout our lives, but you aren't regressing to a "lesser" form of yourself. You've been you the whole time. Love relationships have a way of bringing out the best in us for a while, but they can also temporarily mask our struggles, too--for the first few years sometimes. Other people can never "fix" us, though. That's up to us.
The harsh reality is that the harder you try to hang onto a person, the more they want to leave.If you feel like you had or have issues that you would like to work on, can you use this time to focus on your own healing? It might show your boyfriend that you're trying...or you might attract someone else into your life who is better for you. I know that isn't easy to hear right now.
Regardless, hurting yourself is not the answer. Can you promise not to hurt yourself for the next 24 hours?
I can't promise anything. It's just that I'd rather feel another pain than the pain that I'm feeling inside. I'll try.
So far he's still staying in the same house with me. When I asked him if he's still thinking of leaving me he said he doesn't know. I know that I need to focus on myself and if I love him I'll let him go. I told him I want him to be happy and if leaving me is what makes him happy then I'll be fine.
I'm glad you said that even though you might not believe it. But the truth is, you WILL be fine.
The neat part about break ups (even though we all know they're the WORST) is that you have a chance now instead of going backwards to your "old" self, to become the person you want to become. You always wanted to try _______ but your ex thought it was stupid or you didn't have time. . . Now you do. All those things you "wish" you were, you CAN BE. This is an empowering time, right after a break up. The whole world is open to you.
What did you like to do before you liked boys? Maybe try finding other things to do that are fun and that don't involve other people and take charge of your own happiness without attaching it to another person?
Before I met him I usually just work. Work from 11-11 five times a week sometimes six. I don't do anything but work. I leave the house to go to work then go back to the house after work. When it's my day off all I do was lock myself in my room and not do anything.
I'm trying so hard to move forward but it's hard. He brought it up again before leaving to work earlier that he's not coming back tonight because he's moving out. I pleaded for him to stay and that we should work things out. But he said I'm sorry. I asked him to stay one last night with me tonight and he said yes for that. Then tomorrow he's going to move out while I'm at work that way I'm not going to be able to stop him. It sucks so bad feeling like this. It hurts so bad that I can't explain how much it's hurting. The thought of him not being there with me everyday hurts so much. I asked him why but all he's saying was I'm sorry. I don't get it at all. I know that I've been mean to him but I already told him that I'm sorry. Omg it hurts so much.
justme1989, I'm sorry I stopped replying. It looks like one or two of my posts got removed, and I can't imagine how they were offensive or inappropriate, so I just stopped visiting this thread. I hope you are doing better.
I didn't even get to read them. But I'm trying to be strong. Theres some times were I feel totally fine then all of a sudden it'll hit me. I'm giving him his space. I'm still waiting and hoping that he'll be back. But I'll be ok. Thank you for everything.
I'm so glad you're doing better! I know it's easy for me to give advice when I'm not in the midst of an emotional situation, but I have been there before, so I speak from experience. Backing off is the best thing you can do, and I wish I had known that at the time (10 years ago). If you find that it's impossible to do so--as I did--that's actually a personal emotional issue that you can address, with help, and not "proof" that you can't live without someone.
You're doing the right thing. I hope that your days continue to get brighter. It's perfectly normal and okay to wait and hope. Either you will eventually move on, or he will reconsider, so either way, there's a positive outcome. Please keep us informed of your progress.
