screw it
I just post where ever.... so i have had depression since i was at least 15 and didnt know it. Fast forward to now being 36.... some things have gotten easier the depression and anxiety have not.
I am at the point now where i can function, but i hate functioning, in fact i am not even functioning in a 9-5 job, but in the religious world ! go figure that out. I understand but too long to explain. At the moment i am adjusting to my new life and it has so many ups n downs i thought it would take me like 2 weeks to get use to after living with and almost being utterly dependent on my mom for years now.... how foolish... I miss my mom, but living at home i just couldn't do it anymore, it was time to go... i was becoming a financial burden. Even though i was cooking and cleaning... i was on the verge of being dependent on the welfare system and had started getting food stamps ( which is not a bad thing ) which would have for me became another dependency.
Now like back at home i am struggling, my nights have always been horrible. my jaws clinch , my family doc back at home gave me an anxiety medication to take daily if i wanted, an now my new doc is like dont take it daily so i am like wth.....
the shower pressure in my room sucks, and i don't think i can handle complaining about that anymore so ima suck that up for awhile. I make it a point to not complain in public anymore. I make it a point to not tell those around me how miserable i am and how depressed i am and how i want to just i dunno, be gone, but not gone, not with out my family.
I am afraid that deaths in my family will go as follows, possibly my mom first, then my dad ( parents divorced ) then my siblings i don't really know who first but i suspect my older sister, and hopefully last will be me as i do not want my family suffering over losing me.
i don't like living, i feel like i am trapped, i feel like even though during the day i have spots of hope an happiness and i can count my blessings at this point in time... i feel like a speck of dust. I feel like this is it, this is as good as happy gets for me and i hate it.
Dear @Originalscreenname,you?ve described years of depression and anxietythat have worn you down. However, it?s positive that you had the initiative and strength to make a major change in your life. You don?t mention how long you?ve been in this new environment, but it seems there are brightspots. Also, it comes through in your post that you love your family and they love you, another positive aspect.
You talked about the anxiety medication, a question that seems to need further exploration. And the question arises, Did your doctors ever prescribe antidepressants? Medicine to help sleep?
I also wonder whetheryou?ve visited a therapist to help you get to the source of your anxiety and depression. I also find myself wanting to know more about your decision not to talk to others about how bad you feel.
There?s a lot to talk about, and you might want to talk in depth with a Listener one-to-one.You can browse the listeners here.You can also send me a message by clicking on my name below. You're on a new path,and I truly believe it?s possible to feel better.
If anyone is following me on here, i apologize for the scattered threads, i get lost on the forums trying to navigate , i think the depression area of the forum is really where i need to keep posting, due to the fact i will probably always have depression and my thinking is really surrounded by depression. I did actually join a monastery, it was not good for me at all. I swear i end up in places all the time and i ask myself, why didn't i see the problems before hand that this particular place has. and I realize it is because i was so happy to be away from my home where i have a ton of long lasting unresolved issues that may never be resolved, that i overlook the inherent problems of the place or situation i am in.
Today weather permitting i will be doing yard work.
Getting off my anti depressant for better or worse, simply because i don't want my life revolving around a medication that really is not solving my problem with depression, my anti anxiety medication does help, but i need to learn to deal with problems on my own with out the help of medication as i am learning, it is my thought process i need to change, and i need to over come fear .
I am not well though, and am hoping to get back into college to try once again to get a degree, to hopefully get a stable career going.
If anyone read this, thanks, and I hope you are finding help if you are in need.
