Completely unwanted, invisible and I really don't know where I belong
I realised today that I'm completely unwanted, by long time friends and immediate family, it has hardened me to the point that now I'm so use to it that I expect it from everyone I meet. I try my best to be who I am but I know they all judge me and are just using my kind nature to lift them only when they need it, I have no one currently that I can hang with, again something that I'm use to, no one wants a easy going happy-esq people person disabled friend, I see it in the eyes of everyone and the time it takes to reply to any messages I send (sms/text).
I've come a long way and I know that it might be time to sever all ties and start over, which I wouldn't mind but I wouldn't know where I'd go or even feel safe, I'm looked at because of my tremor, people tend to side step or create distance if I'm walking in public as though I might be contageous, sure I like my personal space but I feel so alone and yes again lonely. I almost have enough cash to go over seas, but I could never stay, which hurts the most but having said that I don't feel wanted or included with anyone I've met online, it's like they have used me for what they want and are done.
The only person I know outside of my support network of doctors, psychs, social/caseworkers that's proud of me is hurting just as much as I am right now probably more. I know what I've done since my discharge date is nothing to shy away from and is showing I can do things on my own for myself and I'm happy and proud of that but I'm continually spiralling faster it seems over the last week, not because of winter or self sabotage, I know this because what I accomoplished over the last 16 weeks came to a conclusion today and only last night I actually did something so not me and joined a gym.
I'm not happy happy, but I'm giving it a shot, for me right now and for some reason I feel a slight guilty because I'm usually uplifting those who know me keeping my own darkness to myself, even though I write about it constantly. This might be the newer start I'm looking for and the trigger point is that I'm invisile to those that know who I am. I know I'm a different person but I still hold the same values and morals, I just am swimming in limbo perhaps.
I'm fighting the laughter and the voice that wants me to harm myself, I may just give in, I don't actually know if I want to or not
- Ink
@InkStainedFingers
Hello Ink,
I read your post and it sounds like you're at a cross road when it comes to certain negative influences in your life. From what I hear, you either do not enough social connections and/or you feel like the ones you do have, do not treat you with the same amount of love and dignity as you do to them. However, with that being said it also sounds like you are incredibly lonely so perhaps that is why you maintain these negative connections. It's a shame that people see your disability in such stigmatizing ways, by trying to avoid you like you have some sort of plague. It's very unfair and hurtful, you'd think people would have a better perspective on mental illness by now. I'd like to say that there is an easy answer but if there was, I'm sure you would have found it by now.
I just want to continue to give my love and support to you during this challenging time. I know you probably don't feel like many people care about you but I do. I always wish you the best and I hope one day, you may find the answers and peace that you are seeking.
Take care, my friend 
xx
@InkStainedFingers
Hi, Ink. You mentioned that you had joined a gym. That caught my eye because I've recently done the same thing. It's definitely been helpful for me in quieting down the negative self-talk and endless thought loops. I hope you'll find the gym helpful as well.
I don't know what it's like to go through what you're going through, but I know it's not easy. In the case of my own issues, I just tell myself "one day at a time."
Take care.
My college life 😥