The results of my loneliness
This is not really only about loneliness itself.
Yes, I feel alone: my country is struggling with Covid so I can't see my friends and our schedules in general are pretty incompatible. I'm always at home, which is the last place I'd want to be in for one reason: my parents. We've never had a good relationship and my solution always has been to spend as little time as possible with them. But now i really have no choice, since we're forced to be in the same house all the time. So they're the only people I can interact with irl, and being this lonely, I resorted to doing it more and more. I've been struggling with depression and it's giving me trouble with studying so I thought that maybe, since we've been more open with eachother, I could talk to them about it. It was a great mistake, obviously. They've never given me support or a sincere affection, and overall perhaps we've never managed to understand eachother. Maybe it's even my fault. In any case, this loneliness has pushed me towards them and the result was that i was once again disappointed by their reaction. And so I became even more sad than before. I don't know why after so many years, I would still go to them for support. I feel like the little kid who's after they're love and approval is still buried somewhere in me, and i just can't get rid of her.
Do you guys have any advice on how to stop depending on other people? Expecially on the ones that keep hurting you. Thing is, I don't want to be alone but I want to be enough for myself.
Hi Wind, I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this during an already difficult time for the world 😞. It’s really disheartening to reach out for support and not receive what you need - especially from parents. One thing that has helped me is noticing that I have to ask for the type of support I need (like listening or advice). Does it always work? No, but sometimes it makes a big difference. I hope being able to voice yourself here helps! Just know that you are enough! I’m so sorry you feel so alone - sending you support 💙
@Grey27 Thank you. It's true, I know that voicing your needs with people helps, but I've never been good at it. I feel like the outcome will always be the same so why bother, you know? Maybe I will never get from my family what I search for, but I hope that one day I won't feel that need anymore. These are tiring time for everyone indeed. I hope you and your loved ones are doing ok! Thanks again for the advice. Stay safe and healthy!
I realized one point when I got older, I did not get any support from my parents either from the moment I was diagnosed with depression up until now; I realized that my parents don't really have much knowledge on Depression. It seems like that in their generation, there really wasn't any Depressive people, as everyone is so busy earning money to raise their families. Both my parents have many siblings at home, they did not finish high school before needing to start working to help with expenses at home.
When I had my first episode of depression, my parents basically didn't understand what it is nor did they know how to help me. Is it possible to somehow educate your parents on what Depression is first? Then, let them know how they could provide you the support.
If you are unable to get the support you want from them, you can always come to 7 Cups. You can even have one-on-one conversations with listeners through chat if you're really desparate to speak to someone immediately~
@politeWind
@Jaeteuk Thanks for your kind answer. I feel you and I'm deeply sorry to hear about you're experience with depression, and the response you got from your family. I hope you're doing better now.
My parents, being well educated middle class people, understand what depression is and its severity but they just...don't understand it in me. They're divorced, living in two different homes, but I see them both almost everyday: I can't hide from them insomnia, trembling hands, headaches, messed up eating habits and such. I try, but it's impossible to avoid their stares. And yet every interaction I had with them shows how little they care to know about me, or why I am the way I am. Which if is fine to me to a certain level: as I said I never received from them support or affection in that matter, so yes it pains me but it's no news. (To be more specific, their reaction is always: study more, take more lessons, pay more attention in class, put more effort in it, can't you see you're failing?...ect.)
Thing is, being this lonely has pushed me more towards them and I feel like an idiot because I know that, after all these years, I still want their approval and love...or whatever you should get from parents. And every time I try to open up I then sit there expectantly, as if I even forgot who I'm talking to. I feel like a complete idiot and I want to free myself from this.
Anyways, you stay safe and healthy. I hope to find support like the one you've shown me on this site.
@politeWind, you're very welcome.
To be honest, I don't think my family will ever give me the kind of support I need. I have an older brother, who I think always tend to crush my hopes. I had given up with hopes of having them understand my depression, and because of previous traumas and experiences in my childhood, most of the time, I'm afraid to reveal my true feelings to them. Now, I just want them to ignore me and let me be. Don't ask too much, don't assume anything about me.
When I was first dealing with my depression after a diagnosis, as I'm not the type that expresses my feelings verbally. There was a period of time where I wrote letters to my mum about my feelings, concerns regarding my situation and how their actions and words made me feel. She was able to understand me more, but they still didn't know how to handle it. Also, she didn't understand why I'd rather write letters and not speak to her directly. So, eventually, she told me to stop writing. Maybe you can try writing to your parents too? Then, maybe ask for a reply either verbally or in written form.
Knowing that I'll never get the support I want from them, I've been hoping that I could be in a relationship, where someone will accept everything about me. My past and present in regards to my depression, and everything in between. I wish to get support from that person, become my family support instead.
Stay safe and take care of yourself! Cheers~
@Jaeteuk I understand what you mean and I see you. Thank you for your advices, and for sharing your experience with me.
I'm sorry about your older brother: it's sad that the people who're supposed to love and cherish you, sometimes hurt you instead. I don't know you nor him, but you seem an honest, kind, caring and intelligent person. So I know you don't deserve the treatment you receive, and I know that he's wrong to behave like this.
Writing letters generally seems like a good idea, and it's actually a nice progress how your mother read yours, and actually tried to understand your feelings. I get that your parents didn't know how to help, and probably still don't to this day, but as you said there are other people in the world. I'm certain that you will find your special someone, and it could just be a good friend, or maybe a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. They're out there somewhere, ready to listen, comfort and support you, just like you're supposed to do for them. It might require some time to find them, but I wish you the best of luck. However I must remind you that, in order for someone else to love you, you would need to love and accept yourself too. A relationship can't "fix you" or heal your pain, on its own. And I don't think you can solely depend on others for your mental health and well-being. You're both your past and your present: you've survived this long, went through all these hardships, and that only makes you great. Someone will soon see it, but you need to aknowledge it too.
I don't think letters will do it for me though, as I've already tried to voice my feeling and pleas directly to my parents, but got nothing out of it. I'd rather not do it, because knowing them, they'll find a way to retort my own words against me. They always do. So I'm not going to give them another weapon, expecially something written that I can't take back.
Truth is, I don't expect them to understand me any time soon, so keep trying is useless and painful. Ignoring and avoiding them has always been the best course of action, but unfortunately that's out of the question right now. It's ok though, because I'm confident this plague will end someday and I'll gain my freedom back. I aim to leave home and them behind, as soon as I'm capable of doing so. From a safe distance, maybe my opinion on them could even change? Someone has told me that, but I don't know. I just hope to get rid of this need for affection, mixed with grudge, that I have for them...and finally arrive at the point of acceptance, someday. It sounds like a nice place to be in, but sadly I don't know any shortcuts.
Maybe I'll seek further help on this platform. It seems full of nice and bright human beings, and I'm glad I randomly discovered it on a Tumblr post.
Take care of yourself, friend. And thanks again.
@politeWind, thank you for your kind words.
I think I've finally started to accept my depression gradually. It's just that the childhood traumas have scarred me for life, resulting in affecting certain actions in the present. Something that I have trouble changing, and believe will always be a part of my life; no matter what the circumstances are.
I know some people who I met through a support group during the peak of my depression more than 7 years ago, that their relationships with their parents were toxic. The moderator then said that for their on mental health and healing, they shouldn't contact their parents as much. So, if and when it's possible for you to move away from your parents, that might be your best choice. Just like with the people I knew, one lady always ended up in arguments with her mum whenever they talk on the phone or see each other in person. Then, she cut-off contact with her mum for a period of time and their relationship actually became slightly better afterwards.
I'm glad you've discovered 7Cups, and hope that it can bring you more support. I'm thankful for the support I receive here, something that I don't get in real-time. As much as I want to have a friend or partner, I'm also afraid that he/she will not accept all of me, including my depression. With past experiences with friends that turn their back after I reveal to them about my depression, makes me hesitant in being honest with my past; unless I know that person also had suffered from depression too (just like some current coworkers, seeing how they were suffering from early signs of depression, I offered my help and experience to them. Not in detail, as I don't want to scare them off, but just giving them general advice).
Here's to hoping you can move out soon and receive that freedom, and finding more support here in 7Cups!~
@Jaeteuk Yeah, maybe distance from them will do the trick, but who knows. There's only one way to find out, I suppose.
Anyways, I understand your fear and I would like to reassure you, even if this is only my opinion based on my experience. I do believe that there's people out there ready to accept and love you as you are. And who you are is a kind and honest person. Depression is not some character flaw of yours, nor something that could ever make you unlikable or unlovable.Those who turned their backs on you weren't real friends, and honestly, maybe you've just dodged a bullet with them getting out of your way.
You're going to overcome this, and you will find your special someone. I'm sure of it! Offering help to others can also be a way to help yourself. It's concrete proof of how much of a good person you are. Keep your friends close and don't mind those who aren't willing to stay by your side because, simply put, they just don't deserve you.
We can both go after our own freedom, in different ways. It was so nice hearing from you. Glad to be here on 7Cups!