forgot about me

what do you do when you feel like God/the world has forgotten about you?

I'm not one to ever be a deeply religious or spiritual person, but during these times, when I'm beginning to feel the lonliest, i kind of find myself feeling like everyone has a plan set for them, love and goodness in their lives...

yet for me i am here just as a bystander looking at it all through the glass.

during the last two years, i lost all of my friends. i'd seen them mostly in school and so when the pandemic hit, i guess it was only a matter of time before we stopped talking. i realized that i never actually formed deep enough bonds with anyone, i was kind of all over the place back then.

i had some falling outs with the ones that i did form pretty good bonds with and so for the last couple years it has just me on my own dealing with all of the highs and all of the lows.

i got out of a bad relationship which caused the relationship with my family and i to be even more of a strain. he constantly tries to contact me but i force myself to stay away because he isn't good for me and never was.

this all to say that for a while i have been living a pretty lonely life, a life in which I've had to find ways to cope with or at least paper over the fact that i have no one.

these days i see a lot of people saying how they "don't have friends" but i don't think a lot of them have any concept of what it feels like to be fully on your own. no calls on birthdays, no plans in the summer, no one to call after a breakup or a fight with your family. i had to learn to be my own best friend even though sometimes I'm not always kind to myself.

through it all i turned to my goals. my ambition to be and make something of myself. to be successful and to help my family who although is very toxic i still very much care about.

but in doing it so long, I've come to just realize that the kind of success i have been after is not a guaranteed thing and on the days that feel anything but successful, it will never replace this void in my life. but what will?

i mean has god forgotten about me? the world is waking up without me. its starting to feel like I'm just a shadow. i mean even my sister, who barely goes out (she doesn't like to) says to me last night, "wow this is getting pretty sad." (the fact that the weather has been really well and i have no plans.)

it hurts to know that the way that i had to learn to cope or at least find some kind of peace with my situation is seen as "sad" to them. which is why i say they are toxic, because they have no idea what it is was truly like for me when i did have friends. or how it is been now, without. to them it is just "sad."

so what should ido? where should i go? i mean really has he forgotten about me? what about my plans? what about my joy? what about my love.. sometimes I'm tired of trying to cultivate it on my my own, because m realizing there is only so much that is within my control.

i tried to get a job. she said shed call and she never did. i signed up for this training program in a hobby i like, she said she'd call and never did. I'm tired of forcing it.. but their worries, their judgements (sometimes even my own) just make me feel all the more scared for my future and upset with the present. especially since the path of success I've chosen is very uncertain and oftentimes feels like it wont work.

like I've said, I've never been deeply religious.. but one thing i have always believed is that there is a certain energy, that causes things to happen or not to happen in the world, good or bad. mostly good i believe.. at least i try to.

but I'm losing hope. i don't think i can do this anymore.